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She would not let him appease her so easily! She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. “You say you love me, and yet you accused me again and again of moving on with Ra’if.”
He winced. “It would have been the worst thing you could have done. It was my fear, not my belief.”
“You hurt me.”
He nodded, and stood. “I know.”
“I did move on with him, in a way,” she spoke softly, spinning away from Zamir and looking once more at the grove of fruit trees. Zamir was watchful, still on his knees, his heart hammering.
“Not romantically,” she rushed to add. “But he is so like you.” She smiled towards the nothingness. “I felt like I had some part of you still. Perhaps I was weaning myself at first. But then, Ra’if and I became friends. Good friends. I found that I was no longer waking up miserable. I was no longer sitting in a ball on my floor, waiting for the day to pass so I could try to sleep again.” She closed her eyes. “He brought me back to life after you left. So yes, I did move on with him.”
Zamir’s breath burned in his throat. “It should have been me. I want it to be me forever more. I want to be the person who can make you feel better. And I never want to bring you harm.”
“Why did you leave me?”
“I told you …”
“No.” She cut him off. Her voice rose as her impatience climaxed. “None of that makes sense. You were so cold when you left. You wouldn’t even speak to me. Can you imagine how it felt? One minute, everything was perfect. I loved you so damned much. And then you just left, as though I was a hotel you could check out of.” Tears were still running down her cheeks and she didn’t bother to stop them now.
“I regretted it instantly.”
“I don’t care,” she whispered hollowly. “You stayed away, and only came back when you thought I was sleeping with Ra’if. That you allowed your mind to go there, even for one minute, is beyond offensive to me.”
“Olivia,” the way he said her name sent shivers down her spine. “The throne of this land has taken more of a toll on this family than is fair. It claimed my mother. It ruined my brother. It has weakened my father. It is, in some ways, a curse.”
“No,” she shook her head. “It’s not cursed, and nor are you. You chose to walk away from me.”
“I know. That is the curse. The lure of duty. I chose the throne over you. I chose what I felt I owed to my country, over what I knew I owed to you. And to me, when I think about it. Just as my mother chose her duties over her children. And as my father chose his worries over his health. I don’t want to be like them.”
“Your father married for love,” she said angrily. “Why could he? And yet you seemed so set against the idea…”
“That’s complicated.” He stood, finally, and moved to stand beside her. He didn’t touch her. It would be too easy to overwhelm her with the desire that still coursed between them.
“Everything’s complicated,” she whispered, spinning around to face him. “How can I forgive you for this?”
“I told you…”
“I know! I know what you said. It was perfect. It’s probably exactly what I needed to hear. But it doesn’t fix anything. If you think of our relationship as a glass vase, the day you left was like picking it up and smashing it against a wall. You’re trying to put it back together with glue, but it won’t work.”
Zamir felt hope dying in his chest. She had given him everything, and he had thrown it back in her face. Stricken, he realised that this was it. He had done everything he could, and if she told him she wanted to leave? He would have to make it possible.
“What will it take?” He pleaded, his eyes golden on hers.
Olivia shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“I love you. I have never said that to a woman before. I have never felt it. I love you Olivia, and I will do whatever you ask. It would be disastrous for my country and yet I would quit the throne if you asked it of me. I want to be, more than anything else in the world, the man you look at like you used to.”
“I …”
“I love you.” He spoke slowly. “You need to hear that. You need to hear those words and let them in. I have loved you for almost as long as I have known you. A lifetime with you will never be enough. I want to talk to you until there are no words left in the universe. I want to make love to you again and again, beneath the shifting stars of this desert.”
“I …”
“I was scared, Olivia. You changed me. You made me feel like nothing mattered but you and us. When my father had his heart attack, I was angry. I was angry at my father because his situation meant I had to leave you. That scared me to pieces. I have lived my life with a pledge of loyalty to my father and his crown, and yet you usurped that instantly. You offered to come, and I was so tempted. I knew that if I didn’t leave instantly, I would have said yes. But I didn’t understand then. I thought you would be travelling to Dashan as my lover. That I would be exposing you to ridicule and censure. I thought that in leaving you I was protecting you.”
“But …”
“I left you, and I felt sick. I felt an ache in my gut that has not gone away. I have been driven crazy with missing you. Every decision since then has been wrong. I admit it. I want you to look in your heart and see me for who I am. Look beyond this mad act of a crazed man in love and see the person you know me to be. Make your decision on your instincts alone.
