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And here I am, stuck. The contrast couldn’t be more clear. I’m the one still living in darkness. Shaded by the past. Burrowed deep. Cultivating my guilt with the pathetic need to protect and rescue everyone else, to fix everything—but me.
A White Knight complex, a damned martyr as Victor had said.
All because I carry the sins of my father.
I have handcuffed myself to his threats, his demands, his bad deeds. I’ve let Malcolm use my family against me. I’ve let him take advantage of my love for them. I’ve let him play me, own me, manipulate me. As long as Malcolm can pop into my life at any time with the guilt card, I’ll never be free.
I stare back at her list, recalling what she’d said to me earlier.You have the key…you only have to use it.
There have been very few things in life that I’ve been sure of. Loving Dee was my one true certainty. Right from the beginning, I knew we were meant to be together. I knew the love we shared would shine as bright as the stars, no matter how dark the nights became. I know that still.
And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Malcolm take that away from me.
I’m in the office whenDee gets home. She stands at the threshold, her suit jacket removed, her shoes off, her toes curling into the floor. The look in her eyes is hesitant. Because I’d put it there.
“I wasn’t sure you’d be here,” she says.
“It’s where I want to be. Where I want to stay, if you’ll still have me.”
Her whole face seems to brighten with a flare of hope.
“Come here, beauty.”
I roll back the chair and she settles sideways on my lap. She presses her smooth cheek against mine and loops an arm around my neck. I hug her waist, drawing her close, and breathe in the warm scent of vanilla and Dee.
“I have a confession to make.”
“Oh?” She tilts her head, regarding me.
“I read yourPersonal Aspirations. I know I shouldn’t have. But the book was there and…no excuses, I looked. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay.” She smiles with relief as if she’d been expecting worse. “I wasn’t keeping it from you. It’s just something I started about a month ago. Goals I could strive toward in being the woman I want to be. Not hindered by my fears and insecurities, you know?”
“You are an incredible woman, Dee. I see how courageous you are. How strong. You continue to push yourself to overcome your past. I haven’t done the same. But I’m going to take a page out of your book.”
“In what way?” Her eyebrows arch.
“After you left this morning, I did what I always do—jog and busy work to outrun my problems. I wanted to get away from all you’d said. Because I knew you were right and I wasn’t ready to deal with it.
“I’ve been in denial for so long. But after I read what you’d written…it…it just clicked. I finally forced myself to face some difficult truths. Not just that I feel guilty, but how much that guilt has shaped and warped my thinking, my actions, everything that matters. It made me obsessed with protecting the people I love. It made me want to live by some noble code that was the exact opposite of my father. I needed to prove to myself that no matter the DNA we share, I could be as different from him as night from day.”
“You are nothing like him, Mick.”
“Maybe not. But in trying to do what I thought was right, I was anything but noble. I’ve made so many mistakes with you, Dee. I’ve lied. Said awful things. I’ve shut you out and I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry, baby.”
“I don’t care about what’s been. We’ve both made mistakes. I only care about how we move forward.”
I stare at her. Eyes like brown sugar, the fan of long lashes, the curve of her cheekbones and the pretty bow of her full pink lips. Details I cherished from the moment we met. Our long and complicated history—filled with both great joy and regret—flashes through my mind. But what falls into place is our future.
“Together. That’s how we move forward.”
“I want that more than anything. You know I do. But I can’t go back to the way it was.”
“I’m not expecting you to. I mean together as in sharing the good and the bad. In letting you be there for me through it all. But I need you to give me some leeway to still look out for you and protect you. Not because you need saving. You don’t, Dee. But because I love you.”
“It’s the same for me, Mick. Taking care of each other, that’s what I want.”
“I can do that.”
