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I feel myself grin like a teenage girl writing her boyfriend’s name in big loopy letters. “I’m in love and I’m really embracing it.”
“Oh.” Aware of my trust issues and the insecurities that have hounded my every relationship, Dr. Roland doesn’t contain her surprise. “That certainly is a new and exciting development.”
“Exciting, yes. But not all that new. The man is Mick. Micah Peters.”
I see recognition dawn in her expression. Not just because she’s familiar with his NBA fame, but because she knows some of our complicated history. In the nearly two years that I’ve been coming here, I haven’t shared all the details about my past. But Dr. Roland knows that my father bailed. She knows about the ten foster homes before my mother’s suicideand the Torreses taking me in. She knows about my fears of letting them love me. She knows about me falling for Mick and it all falling apart. But she doesn’t know about my pregnancy or about losing our baby.
I couldn’t tell her before. I couldn’t tell anyone. The grief and pain I had sealed inside felt too overwhelming to unlock. But I tell her now. All of it. How Mick found me again, the custody case, and learning of Papa T’s death. I tell her of finally confiding my painful secrets and confronting all the hurt I caused. But I also tell her of the joy of reconnecting with my family and Mick.
Dr. Roland listens without judgment, her questions seek clarification, and her responses are compassionate. “Thank you for sharing that with me,” she says when I’m done. “That is a lot to have gone through. But I’m so pleased about these positive turns in your life and with your progress. You’ve made some huge strides, Dee. I hope you see that.”
“I do. In large part because of Mick. He’s helped me with my grief and insecurities.”
“In what way?”
“By encouraging me to open up. By accepting me and loving me, unconditionally. He makes me feel good about myself. Beautiful. Sexy. Desirable.” A flush of heat breaks out across my face. “He knows everything about me and has never made me feel less than whole. He thinks I’m strong and resilient. I’m starting to think that maybe I am.”
“In what way have you seen yourself be strong?” she asks, picking up her stylus to make a note.
“Pushing past my fears of trust and intimacy. Breaking out of my comfort zone, so to speak. I just feel myself changing…improving. I’ve even been dressing differently. Lingerie and wearing clothes that I wouldn’t have dared before. Clothes that Mick likes me in and that make me feel good when I build up the nerve to wear them.”
“Sounds as if Mick has had quite an influence in your life.”
“He has.”
“Hm.” She makes another note.
I recognize the question in herhm. “You think I’m being too reliant on him for my self-worth?”
“Is that what you think?”
“No. I mean yes at first,” I admit. “He’s so adoring, seductive, so everything that it’s hard not to be absorbed by him. I like the way Mick makes me feel. I like the way I feel about myself when I’m with him. But I also recognize that I have to keep my own sense of self that’s separate from Mick. I can take all the good things he offers and still develop on my own.”
“That’s an insightful perspective.”
“It’s taken time for me to figure some of that out. But I’m getting there. Mick’s been good for me and I think I’ve been good for him too. We both come into this relationship with baggage, jointly and separately. We’re dealing with it together and that has made our bond stronger. I want to be at my best for him and for myself.”
“What does your best mean?”
“More confident and self-assured.”
“What do you think might be holding you back from feeling that way now?”
“My body, mostly.” I glance down at myself. “I used to think that if I could just lose weight, I’d feel good. But I’ve done that and discovered that no matter what the scale says, I still find faults with myself. I just want to feel comfortable in my skin.”
“We briefly touched on body image before,” Dr. Roland recalls. “I got the impression that wasn’t an area you wanted to explore.”
“You’re right. I wasn’t in the right headspace for that then. I think I am now.”
“That’s good, Dee.” She makes another note. “Often, body image doesn’t come from what we see outside. It comes from how we feel inside.”
“That makes sense. I have these negative tapes that play that tell me I’m not good enough, skinny enough, perfect enough.”
“Where do you think those come from?”
“My past, I suppose. My childhood. And they’re manifested in what I see when I look at myself.”
“What do you see?”
