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There would be no falling in love coming from Camila Doyle.
Blinking out of the tragic memory of when my life changed, I wiped my stupid tears from my eyes and drove home.
I needed to get laid.
ASAP.
2
The Hippies Stay
I was binge watching the TV show,The Mindy Project, because as a semi-single woman with her many dates and loveless life, I could relate.Well, I stopped watching it after she got pregnant because I didn’t really want to see all of that.I wasn’t a hater, and I was happy for folks with babies.But when I’m denied something that I’d spent well over twenty years wishing to get, for a lack of better words, it seemed unfair.
By normal standards, I was a good person.I didn’t cheat on my Spanish midterm like everyone else.Shit, Lisa Denim cheated on every test she ever took in high school.Not me but she had three beautiful children, a doting husband, and they shoved that shit on everyone’s timeline at least once a week.
Okay, maybe I am a hater.
In my defense, a hater with a cause.Oddly enough, most haters do have a cause or underlining issue that they refuse to address but find themselves just hating on others’ good fortune.Was it jealousy?Sure, I was barren, and I didn’t choose to be.As I said, it wasn’t fair.
Jonathan, fromHeart Alliance, told me that I needed to own my feelings and that I also needed to understand that they were my feelings but that did not make them everyone’s truth.Okay, I guess he was right.
I’d been attending the group therapy session atHeart Alliancefor what felt like years, but it had only been around nine months.They were the ones that introduced me to the book club as another outlet to meet people and utilize my energy with something I loved to do besides thinking of my own misfortune.The group was suggested to me by a friend, who felt like I was in a state of depression after my divorce.I told him that Calvin was a snag-a-tooth motherfucker, who could not even lick the dust off of my boots.Assuming that solidified that I needed to see someone, he pulled out a blue card with the wordsHeart Alliancewith a EKG line going through the middle.I decided to give it a try, and once I entered the room of eight women, I realized why he suggested it.
No one woman was in the group for the same thing, which was odd.However, by the time I sat to listen to their stories, on some level, we could relate to the other.It was almost like the matters we dealt with were matters of the heart and not our circumstance.They all connected in a weird way, and those ladies quickly became friends.
A newcomer, Alexus, was there because she was a bigger woman and really let that set the tone for her life.Little by little, I watched her come in, listen, not say much but every week or so, her eyes seemed to get brighter.Her smile a little wider, and eventually, her body a little smaller.When I first noticed it, I said something.
“You’re looking like you’re enjoying life,” I commented.
“Thanks,” she answered with a smile.“I feel better.”
“Yeah, I agree.Heart Alliancehas been a real help to me.It’ll probably be more if I actually listened.”We both laughed at my very serious joke.
“How long have you been coming here?”Alexus asked me.
“About nine months.”I shrugged.“Feels like forever.”
“Yeah, it does.”She looked away and smiled more to herself than to me.
“This has helped you, huh?”I asked, transfixed with the content look about her.
She blinked and shook her head quickly, “I'm sorry, what?”
“This place.Heart Alliance.It has helped you, right?”I repeated.
“Oh yeah,” she shook her head.“I'm dating, and I never dated.I'm making healthier choices and even when I mess up, I don't despair and lose my mind or go through the whole guilt and depression like I used to.Like Jonathan always says, ‘I fell, now I got to get back up.’You know?”
Yeah, I knew but there was no getting up for me.I was down, so I figured I'd just have company since it was my new home.
How do you get up from being barren?
Well, my way, everybody always frowned upon.Having casual sex was not against anybody’s rules.It took the edge off and if it was done right, well...
Sex is a beautiful thing.
“Yeah, I know.”I murmured.“That Jonathan is wise.”
“Yet, you don't listen to him.”Alexus challenged me, which cause me to raise an eyebrow.
