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“I’m sorry, Emma.” I keep my voice low, and she nods in reply before going back to watching her movie.
The next hour is a blur. I’m not followinganyof what’s going on in the movie. I’m too busy stealing glances of her every chance I get. She surprises me when she moves her hand, letting go of my pinky to interlace our fingers, and lets out a sigh. A minute or two later, I feel it—three squeezes. I pause for a second.Did I imagine it?Looking down at her, I squeeze back three times. “Hey, can we talk later?” She doesn’t look at me when she says it, but I don’t care.
“Of course, E.” I kiss her the top of her head and she leans on my shoulder.
Whatever this woman wants, I’ll give her.She loves me.
Chapter twenty-five
Emma
FromthemomentImet Dylan, we've always had incredible chemistry. Even now, years later, when I see him my breath hitches and the butterflies in my stomach start doing parkour. There is no point in fighting it. I tried and failed. Sure, he is easily the most attractive man I have ever known, but it’s more about how he only sees me. He strips me bare, seeing my good with my bad, and wanting all of it. There is always so much fire and passion coming from him, and it’s all focused on me.
I have never met another man who makes me feel this way, so when Ethan brought him to Lily’s, my emotions were all over the place. I wanted some space, but also wanted him to take me in his arms and never let go. The moment he walked in, wearing matching pajama pants with his girls, I was a goner. Ethan rushed over to apologize, telling me that it was his idea, and that he had lunch with Dylan. If Ethan can come around to the idea of Dylan and I dating again, why shouldn’t I?
After the movie, Ethan rounded up all of the kids and met us at the front door—it was a school night, so we all had to get home. He helped get all of the kids in our cars, giving me a few moments with Dylan. When he kissed me—ok, I kissed him first—it was so full of the love and promises we haven’t spoken. But I’ll never forget how he whispered in my ear, “I want to be the last man who kisses you,” before he got in Ethan’s car to go home.
Once the kids were in bed, he called me, but only to set up a time for coffee. He told me that he wanted to take some time for us to properly date and that he wanted to be sure he respected my boundaries. Most of our time together has been very intimate, and we need more baseball games, or dinners, or even just lunch in the middle of a work day. Basically, we need to stay in public.
AsIwalkupto the very same coffee shop that we ran into each other a few weeks ago, I take a deep breath before opening the door. He beat me here,because of course he did. I was hoping for a few moments to collect myself. I am not a foot in the door before he is out of his seat and walking over to me. He’s wearing dark gray slacks, a black button-down collared shirt, and…his glasses. I’m such a sucker for those damn black-framed glasses of his. He typically has contacts so he rarely wears them. It's like bookish catnip for me.
He wraps me in a friendly hug and kisses my temple. “You came.”
“That’s what she said,'' I say to myself, the words slipping out before I can stop them. He heard me and thankfully laughs.
As he releases me, he takes my hand and leads me over to the cashier. “Usual?”
“I don’t think they serve gin and tonics here, Dylan.” I quirk an eyebrow at him.
He bites his lip and with a smile replies, “I meant a Thai coconut milk tea with boba.” I shouldn’t be surprised that he remembers. He always does. I nod and he orders for both of us. Once they are ready, we sit at the table I originally found him at.
“So…” I don’t know what to say. I wish I did, but I just don’t.
He dives right in. “I’m sorry…for everything. I’m sorry for hurting you all those years ago. I’m sorry for taking things too fast. I’m sorry for losing my shit on Ethan. But mostly, I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you.” It comes out in rapid succession and I am stunned into silence. He keeps going, “I will never hide how I feel about you, E. But I made the mistake of trying to pick up where we left off, even though you didn’t want to, and I blew it. It’s just, when you’re not here, it’s like something’s missing. Something that I didn’t know I needed in my life, until I got a little message on my phone that saidhey.” I smile and chuckle softly, remembering that night. I still can’t believe my friends. “I know it was Lily, or Riley, or both of them. I hoped that even though they sent it, maybe there was the slightest chance that I could win you back. But then I threw it all away by not trusting you.” He looks down at his coffee, then back at me. “Can we…start over?”
I think of all of the famous movie and book quotes. Nothing does it justice. Instead, I speak from the heart. “Yes.” I know, not the most profound thing to say in the world, but how can I follow all of that? I know he still loves me, and I think that after everything, we might be able to move past my hurt. We both know where this is headed, it’s only a matter of time—and I’m ok with that.
“Well, if you're ok with it, I want to know more about what happened the other night. I’ve met Aiden a few times now, and he’s such a cool kid. I’ve only parented neurotypical kids, so I want to know more about raising a kid with sensory differences. What causes a meltdown for him? Does he have any special interests?”Someone did their homework.
“Where do I start? It’s a spectrum, so it’s different for everyone. For Aiden, he struggles with textures, specifically clothes. He also doesn’t always pick up on social cues, so he’ll interrupt me when I’m talking to someone, or doesn’t know what volume his voice should be in certain settings. He is so freakin’ smart and has a photographic memory. If you show him something, he’ll remember it forever. He’s obsessed with Harry Potter, wants to be Draco Malfoy when he grows up. Fair warning, Ethan and Aiden bond over that. It's kind of their thing. But, he can tell you anything from the books and movies and loves sharing with anyone who will listen. But honestly, other than that, I can’t tell you much because I’m not autistic myself. All I can tell you is what it’s like to be a parent of someone who thinks and feels differently. For me, that means that I have to be a step ahead to make sure he stays safe.”
He listens intently as I continue, “That night there was a change in barometric pressure with the storm coming in, and it hurt his head enough that he couldn't articulate what he was feeling. My sitter couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and luckily some time in a sensory swing helped him before I got home. It’s why I was so short with you—when he is having a sensory meltdown, my priority is to make sure he is safe and help him self-regulate. When he's having a meltdown, it’s like a flight, fight, or freeze response. Two nights ago, he was in flight mode, meaning that he wanted to escape his room, the house, needing to be anywhere that wasn’t where he was currently at. We have taught him a lot of ways to help with the anxiety piece, but sometimes he just needs mom to help him calm down.”
“That makes a lot of sense. He’s doing ok now, since the storm passed?”
“Yes, I’m sorry for not explaining all of this to you before. We are just usually, um—”
He interrupts, “I know.” I bite my bottom lip, trying my best not to think about it. “That’s my fault, I struggle to keep my hands to myself with you.”
I shake my head. “It isn’t just you.”
He changes the subject, and we continue talking about our kids for a while. His oldest, Harriet, is having boy problems and he doesn’t know how to deal with any of it. I’m sure he would ban her from dating until she was 30, if given the opportunity. She's decided she wants to be an author and is looking into colleges that specialize in fantasy writing. Lizzy has her nose stuck in a book, which is probably why Aiden was drawn to her when they met.
I tell him a bit about my step-sister, Charlotte. She has ADHD and received averylate diagnosis of autism. Girls always fly under the radar. It wasn’t until she was an adult, after Aiden was diagnosed, that she looked into it for herself. She calls herself neurospicy and I love that she embraces it. She has helped me understand Aiden so much more than any book I’ve read. We talk at least once a week, but with her being across the country it’s rough. I wish she lived closer, I miss her so much.
After about an hour, we head to the bookstore, hand in hand, so I can pick up a few books for my boys. A few steps before we reach the door, he stops us in our tracks, surprising me as he pulls me to him, wrapping me in his arms. “Before we go in, E, I only have one question for you. Are you available to grab a drink or dinner…to discuss a few things?” His beautiful dimples are on full display.
I can’t help but laugh at the callback to our past. “Yeah, I’ll have dinner with you. As long as it's not a business thing.”
