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4. Go to work as scheduled.
5. Read at least one book and be ready to talk with me about it. Any genre, any author, but something you’re passionate about.
I can’t help but grimace. I planned to call in sick and have myself a long, long, pity party. I’d bury myself in his bed and hug his dog and pillow while wearing one of his shirts and simply sleep until he came home. Stupid, I know. I can’t check out of my life based on whether he’s here or not. I know that. But old habits die hard.
He knew exactly what I’d be tempted to do, and set rules to help me avoid it.
Tears trickle down my cheeks, but not from aching loneliness this time. What a Master I have.
6. I’ll call you every night promptly at nine p.m. your time. At eight thirty, you will begin edging yourself until I call, so that you’ll be ready to come at my command.
7. No touching yourself or coming at any other time unless I give you explicit orders to carry out.
Yikes, that will be tough. Just thinking about not getting off until he calls tonight makes my pussy tighten with longing, though I’ve never cared much for masturbating. It’s like cooking for myself. I’d much rather give my pleasure to someone else.
8. Set the alarm every night.
9. TAKE SHEBA WITH YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
The dog likes to follow me into the bathroom. I planned to take her to the clinic with me today anyway so she could hang out with the other dogs while I clean their cages and top their food and water bowls. But the grocery store? How am I going to pull that off? I try to imagine taking the huge dog into Walmart and laugh out loud.
In the shower—pleased that I’m showering, instead of lying grungy about the house in a haze—I can’t help but think about my friends. He told me to stay connected, but did he know that my only real friends are all online? How could he? Although I mentioned that’s how I met Josh.
He hadn’t explicitly ordered me to stay off Discord servers. I argue with myself back and forth in the shower, trying to decide what to do. I ache to talk to someone who gets it, who understands the way my mind works. The thought of talking to Mom about Charlie makes me cringe. She has no idea why I like tobe abused, as she calls it. Why I have no backbone. Why I can’t stand up for myself in a relationship. She has no inkling of the urges I carry inside of me.
I trace my fingers over the still vibrant bite marks on my skin and shiver despite the thick steam in the air. Why I’d allow—no, beg—a man to hurt me like this. Why I ache to have him do it again.
My online friends get it. Many of them are subs themselves. Some are married to vanilla partners who allow and even encourage them to play elsewhere. Some are in the closet, so to speak, miserable and yet too afraid to admit to their significant others that they have a hidden need. And yeah, there are a lot of hookups made. It’s amazing how much of a BDSM relationship can be had online nowadays.
Charlie will be gone for days and yet he left me a very explicit list of his commands. Long-distance relationships can work well, especially with the ability to check in and see each other via live feed. A subbie like me just wants someone to tell me what to do—who has the power and ability to punish severely if I don’t do exactly as he says.
While I tame my hair into a thick braid, I play back every conversation I had with Charlie to see if I can find any hint that he’d disapprove. I almost call him, or at least text him, but I don’t want to interrupt whatever work he’s doing to ask such a ridiculous question.Is it okay if I visit my favorite BDSM channel on Discord so I can gush about how great a Master you are?
Why would he care? No one but Josh knowsslaverainyis me or where I live.
Biting my lip nervously, I fish my laptop out of my overnight bag. Heorderedme to keep connected to my friends. My only friends are online. So it will be okay.
Please be okay.
Two wifi connections pop up, both secured and equally strong. One’s name is all numbers and letters, but the other one is titledCharlieMac. I have no idea what the password might be. Knowing his freaky security system, it probably isn’t worth trying to guess. But for kicks and giggles I trysheba, what I would have used if I set up his network.
It works. In seconds, I’ve got the app fired up andslaverainypops onto the server, though I quickly scan the other active accounts to make sure Josh’sstpaulDom7isn’t here. After our breakup, they kicked him out of our group, but I can’t help but check each time, just to be safe. Our server is fairly open, and there isn’t anything to stop him from joining under a different account name. But I think his pride will prevent that.
I hit the button to switch over to visible, and my screen scrolls with hellos and hugs from people I’ve never met but have told some of my darkest secrets.
littlewren: Rainy!! We missed u!
DaddyBear: How r u Rainy? Any problems?
DaddyBearandlittlewrenwere my first example of what a loving BDSM relationship could be like. As the moderator, he watches out for all of the subbies. In many ways, he’s the big brother I wish I had. Someone who gets me—and protects me without judgment.
slaverainy: I’m ok, bz with xmas and work.
littlewren: R u seeing any1 yet?
My fingers hover over the screen. My heart races with giddy excitement, but my fingers are cold and brittle. Deep down, I’m afraid that if I start typing my new secrets, the bubble might burst and all this newfound hope will be lost.
But after all the love and support they’ve already given me on this journey, I can’t hide this latest and possibly greatest turn my life has ever taken.
