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And then I cried.
I’d left them a note, but it hadn’t helped. They blew up my phone until I turned it off. I’d asked Clint about Rigby, and he said the NHL had given him a three-match ban without pay, which was apparently pretty expensive.
I felt fucking awful. I knew it wasn’t my fault, because Rigby was a grown man who made his own decisions, but he was also fiercely loyal. If I hadn’t reacted so damn bad, we could have laughed this shit off and gotten over it. But no, I had to be all sensitive.
On the third day of me being gone, during which I searched for real estate in Ann Arbor with growing despair, River appeared on Julieta and Clint’s doorstep. I hid in the kitchen like a fucking chickenshit.
“You’ve got to let me see her, Muss.”
I felt bad for Clint and Julieta. I needed to get out of their hair before I permanently ruined their friendship with the guys.
Julieta’s soft voice was saying something that I couldn’t quite pick up. Clint’s was easier to hear. “She doesn’t want to see you, man, and I’m not going to make her. Give her time. You can’t force this.”
I turned and fled from the kitchen, back up to the room I was sharing with Huey. The Vanmussens had been amazing, but I’d moped around enough. I had to sack up and get my life on track. I had a baby now. I couldn’t drag my feet around, feeling sorry for myself. I either committed to my decisions or I went back.
The problem was, my heart desperately wanted to be back there. Because if I’d learned anything over the last day or so, it was that my head might tell me it was too soon for the L word, but my heart had other ideas.
Pulling out my phone, I ignored all the messages from Rigby, because I knew my resolve wasn’t strong enough to hear his pleas and not fold like a paper swan. I opened up a new message to Devan.
Me: I’ll drop Huey around tomorrow. You guys can keep him for a few hours, or I can pick him up in the evening. Let me know.
It was read almost immediately. Then there was nothing. No reply. No little dots to tell me he was thinking about replying. Nothing.
I messaged a real estate agent, who promised to meet me at a crappy little apartment on the other side of town tomorrow at eleven. It was only one bedroom, but it was within my means and it would do as a start. Huey and I didn’t need a lot of space just yet. We could look at something bigger later.
Finally, an hour after I messaged Devan, his reply dinged through my phone. I opened my phone quickly, my heart in my throat.
Devan: 9. We’ll have him all day.
That was it. And I knew then, that it was over, at least with Dev. Everything we’d had was done, and I knew I should be glad about that. It was what I’d wanted.
But why did my heart feel like it was being smashed to smithereens?
I went to bed early, being polite to Julieta and Clint, who watched me with worried eyes. They told me again that I was welcome as long as I wanted, Clint joking that Huey was curing Julieta of her baby fever without them actually having to have another baby.
I laughed along with them, but the sound was brittle. Feigning tiredness, I went to bed, where I tossed and turned for hours before the sun peeked above the horizon again.
Like the traitor my body was, I went to sleep then, not waking until my alarm went off at eight. Huey was awake, swaddled in his cot, and he smiled up at me. I chewed on my lip as I smiled back at my baby.
“We’re going to see your uncles today. Do you miss them?” I asked, as I undressed him and changed his diaper. “I miss them, so fucking much. But this is for the best, kiddo. And you deserve the best, not having to be that kid that has three dads and whose mom is considered the Whore of Ann Arbor.”
Someone knocked on the door, and I turned to see Clint standing there with Huey’s bottle. “Heard you moving around up here and thought Slugger might need his breakfast.” Lifting Huey into my arms, I took the bottle from Clint, testing it on my wrist.
“Thanks,” I said with a smile that felt too forced to be real. “I’m going to check out an apartment today at eleven.”
Clint didn’t sigh, but I could almost feel his exasperation. “You’re welcome here forever if you want, Nova. The kids love you. Julieta appreciates the company. You don’t need to rush into anything irreversible.” I made a noncommittal noise, and this time, he did sigh. “All right, but I’m coming with you to make sure some sleazy real estate dude-bro doesn’t rip you off. It’ll give me an excuse not to go to church with Julieta and her family. Her great-aunt thinks I don’t know she still calls me ‘The White Philanderer’ after all these years. Julieta thinks it's hilarious.”
I snorted a laugh. “I’d like that. Thank you.”
I helped Julieta get the kids ready for church, braiding their youngest daughter's hair while Julieta chased the boys around yelling, “Where are your good shoes?” and swearing underneath her breath in Spanish.
Finally, Julieta cursed Clint once more under her breath, climbing into her SUV, and Clint hopped into the passenger seat of mine. We drove Huey over to the guys’ place, and with every mile closer we got, the more my heart pounded in my chest until I was a total mess.
I could tell Clint wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth resolutely closed. I pressed the gate opener still attached to my dash, then pulled into the driveway. I looked over at Clint, hoping I looked more together than I felt right now.
Climbing out, I grabbed Huey out of the car seat. Devan appeared in the doorway, his face an impenetrable mask of neutrality. Walking toward him was like walking to the gallows, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye.
Handing him Huey, I stared at his chest. “I’ll be back around four to pick him up.”
