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Chris ran a hand through his dark hair and sighed loudly. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with either of his parents. They were pretty old school, and wouldn’t understand a dating app, let alone how he came to end up on one in the first place. He could feel his face getting heated, and decided to pass the buck to his older brother, who chose to bring the whole mess up at dinner.
“Jake, why don’t you go ahead and explain what I’m searching for,” he said, just a bit of snark in his tone.
“Chris is looking for a woman,” Jake blurted out. No warm up. No hesitation.
Chris thought Jake would’ve been offput by admitting it, but nope. Not even a little bit. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying his little brother’s discomfort more with each passing second.
“Oh that’s wonderful!” their mother exclaimed. “Where are you looking for this woman?”
“He’s on a dating app. You know, on his phone. He has a profile, and he matches with different women to see if they are a match, and if they are and they get along online, they go on a date,” Jake explained.
“I’m not eighty-years old, Jacob. I know what a dating app is.” She turned her attention to Chris. “Why are you on an app instead of going out and meeting a nice girl. Like at church? You know, Miriam’s daughter is single.”
“Mom, it’s a long story. But I don’t expect to be on this app long.”
Chris wanted to pack up his shit and leave, he was embarrassed, and pissed. But his mom giving Jake shit was just enough for him to stick around. That, and his mother’s enchiladas, which were on the menu.
After dinner, Jake and Chris had a beer on their parents’ porch before heading home for the evening.
“Sorry about giving you shit in front of Mom and Dad,” Jake said.
“Whatever, fucker. This is all your fault.”
“Are you even trying? I know for a fact there are beautiful, eligible females in this town.”
Chris glared at him. “When was the last time you tried dating? I mean actually tried, and didn’t trip over your ex-girlfriend from high school and fall back in love? Because it’s a fucking jungle out there.”
Jake laughed loudly. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s the fucking Wild West, bro. These chicks are ruthless.”
Still laughing, Jake asked, “What do you mean? Tell me.”
“Oh I’ll do you one better, I’ll show you.”
Chris dug into his pocket, grabbed his phone, and pulled up the app. “Let me show you some of these messages. Now keep in mind, I’ve yet to reach out to anyone directly myself. I thought I’d weed through the messages that came to me, see what these women who took the first step were all about. I thought maybe that would be cool. I thought fucking wrong. They’re savages,” he said, shaking his head.
“Let me see.”
Chris handed over the phone, and watched his brother’s facial expressions change from amused, to shocked, to what might have been appalled since he looked like he sucked on a lemon.
Myra C.: Are you actually six feet tall, or are you rounding up?
Joy R.: What does working for the government mean exactly?
Sara S.: Are you a cop? You look familiar.
Leslie B.: Do you have what it takes to get me off or will I have to finish myself off at home?
“Not a single one of these girls even said hello, Jake. Not. One.” Chris pouted at his brother, hopeful he would see what a terrible idea this was and let him off the hook.
Jake was still scrolling, and chuckling. “Well, I will admit, some of these ladies definitely cut to the chase. But . . . wait, here’s one! Viviana R. Take a look!”
He handed Chris the phone back, and Chris scrolled through Viviana R.’s profile. She was hot. But not in a “look at me, I’m hot” kind of way, more in a natural beauty kind of way. Where she didn’t take eight hundred selfies in a bathroom mirror to post online. He thumbed through her photos, and she looked like the same person in all of them, which was also fairly uncommon in a lot of the profiles he’d looked at.
“What’s her message say?” Jake asked.
“It says, ‘I promised my best friend I’d message a guy first if I found one on here who seemed like a normal guy, who was also good-looking, and claimed to have a good job. So, hi there. I’m Viviana. I’m a nurse and work crazy hours but do enjoy going out and trying new places for food and drinks, and I’d love to chat and see if we have anything in common besides the checklist on this app. Hope to hear from you soon.’”
