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"Jasmine is the only one who knows the truth. After it happened, I completely fell apart. Apparently, you're not supposed to mix the pain pills I was on with alcohol. I had to have my stomach pumped, and the worst part was they all thought I was losing my mind, that I had tried to kill myself because I failed my audition. So, I have been on fucking pills ever since, when really all I wanted to do was block out the pain." Her anger has turned to full-blown sobs.
I pull her into me. I want to fix her, help her, take her pain away. I would do anything to take back the past and the way things happened for both of us back then. She needs to know the truth so she can trust me again. "I had no idea what you were going through. I'm so sorry." For the first time since I found out Ma was sick, tears fall from my eyes. For everything we had and lost and for everything we could have been. We should have been a family. “Please, Cassie, I need you to hear me out so you can understand why." I'm desperate, my chest feeling like it's going to collapse.
She shakes her head. "I don't think I can believe anything you tell me anymore." She sniffles, dropping her head.
"Cassandra, I love you, I have always loved you, and we haven't come this far to destroy it all over my decisions years ago. You need to hear what I have to say."
She doesn't put up another protest. She wants to hear the truth as much as I need to say it.
"I did it for my mom." Her eyes flick up to mine, and she searches my face. "She would have died otherwise. Your dad knew I needed the money to get her the lifesaving treatment we couldn't afford, so he offered to pay her medical bills."
She blinks back at me, knowing what comes next.
"If I left town and let you get on with your life, live out your dreams of becoming a professional ballerina. He was buying you time to be everything you wanted to be without me as a distraction. Part of our contract was I couldn't come back for six years."
Her sad eyes meet mine, and she blinks away the tears. "That's why you’re back now."
I nod. "I didn't want to stay away, but I had to help her."
A tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. "You did the right thing. But I wish you came to me. I could have helped you; there would have been another way." Her words are hurried, desperate, like she might stop breathing if she doesn't get them out in time.
"At the time, I did what I thought was best." I cup her face, begging her to understand where I was coming from. She leans up to me, placing a kiss to my lips. Her kiss is salty from her tears, and I hate myself even more knowing I'm the cause of her sadness. She runs a hand through my hair, the way she always does, but this time it feels different. The way she looks at me, with so much pain in her eyes. "Why do I feel like this is goodbye?"
She drops back away from me, wiping away the tears. "It's not. Least it doesn't have to be, but I've found a place to stay. My auntie has a holiday villa that’s empty at the moment, and she's offered it to me for reduced rent. It's not too far from school but far enough out of town that it's quiet, so it's ideal. I can move in whenever I want, and I think that's what I'm going to do."
She mentioned finding her own place before, but somehow, I just figured she would give up on that idea, not wanting to leave me. But she looks determined, and I know if I fight this, I'm only going to push her away more. "Okay, if that's what you need."
"It is."
"You still don't trust me, do you?"
She blinks back at me. "How can I trust you when you're still keeping stuff from me?"
"Sometimes people don't tell you everything because they’re trying to protect you."
She takes a step back from me, looking me over like she’s seeing someone different for the first time. "And you're that person, just like my dad was. Trying to protect me by keeping things from me, thinking you know better than I do. Controlling my life and letting it fall apart anyway. Not anymore, Brandon. You know what? Right now, it’s space to do things my way. If you see this working out between us in the long run, you need to let me do this. This doesn't have to be the end for us, but it’s the end of men ruling my life.”
"I never wanted to control you in any way, Shortcake. I fell in love with a beautiful strong-willed girl who knew what she wanted from her life, where she was going. And she's still in there, I know she is." I drop my head, knowing I have become exactly like her dad. He might have been the one to steal her sparkle back then, but this time it's me, and she's right to walk away. "Come back to me when you're ready and I will be waiting for you. To give you everything you deserve."
She leans up, kissing my cheek. "Thank you," she says softly, then goes to collect her bag, and while she does, I leave. If I stay another second, I will beg her to reconsider to stay with me under my roof forever because that's what I need. I don't want to go a day without her. But I know if I do, I will be the man she’s talking about, I will be just as controlling as her dad. She might not trust me, but I'm going to have to trust that our love is strong enough to survive the distance she needs.
CHAPTER THIRTY
CASSANDRA
Hangingupsomeofthe new dresses Amelia brought around to cheer me up in the cozy closet, my mind drifts back to yesterday. I stared back at the man I love, knowing I was so hurt by something from the past again, and I knew with certainty what I had to do—build a life I can be proud of on my own.
Part of me is still in shock that I said everything I did to him yesterday, that I stood up for what I wanted, knowing it could hurt us, but when I’m with him, I want him to fix me, make me better, and he can in the moment, but I need to be able to help myself be whole again so I can go into a relationship with him as an equal partner. This is time for me. And I hope in the time we have apart, he can work out how to come clean about all the shit he’s hiding from me, because until he works out that he can't keep hiding stuff from me to protect me, there will be no us again.
"That's the last of the kitchen boxes," calls Jasmine from the room next to me.
I join her back in the kitchen of my cute little villa. "Thanks." I smile, feeling at home already. My first real home, and I love it. It's filled with cozy country charm, and it makes me feel more at home in a few hours than I ever did in that enormous place Brandon calls home. The only thing that kept me there was him. Yes, it had everything you’d think would make a person happy, including my own dance studio, but it has no soul. Not to mention how pulling up to a gate with security standing by every time I wanted to enter the property was a constant reminder of the secrets he was keeping from me.
Amelia takes three glasses from the top cupboard and goes to pour us all some wine. "Not for me," I say reluctantly. I could go a drink right about now, but I know it's for the best that I don't.
Jasmine watches me. "Yeah, I'm good, Amelia. I'll just have some juice, there's some in the fridge. You want some juice, Cass?"
I know what she’s doing, and I love her for it. We had a little talk about it earlier and laying off the alcohol for a while is a good idea. It's not that I'm an alcoholic, I don't rely on it, but if I start, I can't stop. It helps to numb my brain and take away the anxious thoughts, and as I say it to myself, I know my problem had become worse than I even want to admit and maybe I am an alcoholic. From now on, I need to be sober. No more hiding behind pills or alcohol. I need a clear head if I intend to sort out my shitshow of a life. I might even start a little of the yoga and meditation Ivy was telling me about. She sent through some of her recordings of guided meditations for me the week after the conference, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to even try them at the time, so they’ve sat unopened in my inbox. But here in this place, I feel like it might be good to start something new.
