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So much so that I couldn’t verbalize it. Not yet.
I would. I’d tell her, and then I’d beg for her forgiveness. I’d pray she wouldn’t hate me for what I’d done to my nephews in her name.
But I’d hate myself for it for the rest of my life.
It was ironic because I’d told Michael I wasn’t capable of regretting what I’d done to him and his brothers. That’d been true when I said it, but now?
Now… I’d never forgive myself.
* * *
“Daddy,” Micah said as I tucked the blankets around his shoulders.
“Micah.”
“We’re matterandenergy, right?” He tilted his head, thinking hard. “Because our bodies are matter, and they use energy. Our souls are energy that keep us alive, right?”
“I’m not sure if your teacher would agree, but yeah, I think so.” I flicked out the big light and turned on the bedside lamp. “Along with food and stuff that keep our bodies going. They’re matter that convert to energy too.”
He nodded slowly, still thinking hard. “But matter and energy can’t be created or destroyed. That’s what Einstein said.”
“Einstein was a smart guy.” I sat on the bed beside him. “I’ll take his word for it.”
“Yeah, but if that’s true, where did it start?” He squinted, still deep in thought. “Like, the sun is energy, and we’re energy, but where did westart?”
Well,youstarted in a tent while I was fucking your mom a few hundred thousand years ago.“I don’t know, buddy.”
“Because, like, I came from you and Mommy, but you and Mommy came from your mommy and daddy, and they came from somewhere, and… And that goes on forever, right?”
“It does.”
“But I don’t get it. If it can’t be created, where did it come from?”
“I don’t know. When you get to college, ask a philosophy professor,” I said. “But does it really matter where it came from? Maybe some things just… are, and always will be.”
He shook his head. “But I don’t like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because. I wanna knowhow. I wanna know what the first thing to exist was.” He grinned. “Wouldn’t that be cool? To see what the first thingeverwas?”
I’d seen enough of the beginning of this world. I didn’t need to know much more. “I think I’m cool with accepting that some things justare.”
“I guess.” He paused again, looking up at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. “There’s a kid in my class. Eli. You know what he said was the first thing to exist?”
“What’s that?”
“God. What is God, anyway?” I loved how chatty and curious he was about everything in existence, but fuck, I hatedGod. “Because Eli says he’s everything. That he created the universe. But I don’t think that’s possible. No one can create the universe.”
Thegodhe was referencing was certainly noteverything.
“Ya wanna know what a god is?” I asked. He nodded. “Just a person. A person with a lot of power. People who aren’t as powerful call them that because they don’t know how else to explain all the things the powerful person can do.”
He squinted for a minute. “So, like, does that mean we’re gods? Because we have powers and other people don’t?”
Nope. Had to shut that shit down real quick. “Do you think your teacher’s a god?”
He laughed. “No, she’s just my teacher.”
