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“It certainly is rare,” she replied.
I was almost at the point of being frustrated with her for not contributing much other than little interjections, but not enough to say anything yet.
“So, what do you think?” I asked.
“About what?”
“About the offer to teach James’s kids how to ski,” I reminded her. I’d been thinking about it for a few days—along with other things which kept me awake at night.
I hadn’t told Doctor Harzel about the kiss, or what came along with it. I didn’t know how to broach the conversation of, “Hey, I know it’s probably super unhealthy but since my boyfriend fucked off to live in Europe, I’ve sort of started making out with and having sexual encounters with my boss.”
Of course, we hadn’t actually had sex. Not yet, anyway. And every time my brain added that “not yet” qualifier, it made me wet all over again.
“Well,” she said, and there was a tone to her voice that led me to believe she knew I wasn’t being entirely truthful, “I think it’s a great idea.”
“You do?” I asked. “You don’t think I’d be putting the kids in danger because I might have a PTSD flashback and let one of them get hurt?”
“Hardly,” she said. “In fact, I think it’s one of the best ideas anyone has had in relation to your trauma yet.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“Because you need a reason to be on the slopes—one besides just skiing. I was going to recommend walking along some of the paths or simply riding the ski lift up and down to get the feel of it back, but this is much better. You’ve already said you can put your own feelings aside when you need to in order to take care of the kids, and I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to remember the joy of skiing by imparting it to others.”
It sounded like a lot of bullshit to me, but Doctor Harzel hadn’t been wrong yet about my treatment. Of course, her answer might be different if she knew I had been sitting on their dad’s cock just a couple of days ago.
“If you say so, Doctor Harzel,” I said, shaking my head, though she couldn’t see it.
“I believe in you. Send me a text later letting me know how it goes.”
We hung up, and I started to gather up my ski stuff. I wouldn’t need all of it—definitely not the stuff I’d need for more intense runs, like my goggles, but I needed my skis, my poles, and my clothes.
I hadn’t washed my snow gear since the encounter with James, and I could still smell him on them. I took a deep breath and sighed.
Dammit, Haley,I said to myself.You’ve got it so bad…
I tried to argue that no, I didn’t, but, as it turned out, arguing with yourself goes about as well as you’d think it would, and I simply ended up in a back-and-forth between the warring parts of my mind.
I pulled on my stuff and went out to the living room where James had the kids up and ready for me.
“Who’s ready to go skiing?” I asked excitedly.
Ben and Katie both jumped to their feet in their snowsuits, but Leann looked unsure.
“You okay?” I asked.
“I don’t wanna fall,” she said quietly.
“Why would you fall?” I asked, trying not to let my own fear of the same show through the words.
“Because I don't know how to do this,” she said.
I knelt down beside her, and my eyes flicked to James’s, and the memory of the other day came back in full force.
“Um…” I said, trying to regain my place in the conversation. “Well, you know, everyone falls sometimes. But the falling isn’t the hard part.”
“It isn’t?” she asked.
“No,” I told her. “The hard part is getting back up afterward and trying again.”
