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“See?” Anna said, hugging me tightly. “You’re not alone, no matter what. And if James is going to be a fuckhead about this after he was just as present there when you got pregnant, then you don’t want him in your life anyway.”
“Pregnant?” Kevin questioned, almost dropping the glass of water. “Holy shit.”
“Yes,” Anna said, glaring at him. “Pregnant. And your friend has decided to ghost her while he decides if he wants anything to do with it. So maybe you could have a word with him.”
“I certainly will—” Kevin said, but I interrupted him from saying more.
“No,” I said.
“No?” Anna asked, looking back at me.
“No. I don’t want anyone swaying his decision. If he feels forced into anything, I don’t want that, anyway. I don’t know if I’m going to raise this baby or put it up for adoption, but I don’t want anyone in this baby’s life who doesn’t want to be there either way.”
Anna stared at me for a long, hard minute. “Okay,” she said after giving herself a minute to think about it, though I saw the righteous indignation cross her face more than once. “Okay. We won’t say a thing. Will we?”
Kevin also looked like he didn’t want to agree, but I gave him a pleading look, and, combined with my tears, he seemed to be uncomfortable enough to do what we asked.
“So, what now?” Anna asked.
“Now…” I thought for a moment. “Now, I quit my job. I can’t have a baby with my boss and still work for him every day. Even if he decides he wants to be involved, I can’t stay his employee. And if he doesn’t want to be involved, I can’t look at him everyday and know what he’s putting me through. I can’t answer questions from the kids about who the daddy of my baby is if the daddy won’t step up. Even if he does, I have no idea how I’m going to explain it to them.”
I stayed for a few more hours until I had to leave to pick the kids up from school, since I’d promised to bring them salted caramel and chocolate to try. After the store, I went to their school and piled them into the car to drive home.
At our little tasting, it was decided that Leann enjoyed salted caramel with milk chocolate, but did not enjoy sea salt with dark chocolate, while Katie preferred the opposite. Ben liked it all and ate as much as the girls were willing to let him have.
We watched a movie, and Katie curled up in my arms, falling asleep halfway through, and my heart nearly shattered at how much I was going to miss this. But it was for the best. Not just for me and my baby, but for them. They needed more stability in a nanny than I could provide with my current situation, and that meant I had to go.
I put them to bed and tucked them in, wishing I could have just one more day with them, one more ski lesson, one more meal, but knowing that drawing it out would only make things harder all around.
Once they were asleep, I went to my room and took out my laptop. I opened up an email thread and typed out:
Dear James,
I am writing to inform you that, effective immediately, I am resigning from my post as your nanny. On a professional level, I do not feel that I am currently equipped to handle the needs of the children while figuring out my options regarding the issue of my pregnancy. I wish you and your children the best.
I paused, unsure if I wanted to take it further, but decided not to. It seemed like I’d covered everything that was necessary without adding too much emotion or personal motivation to theletter. I read it over, then again, and again, and finally, with a teardrop falling from my eye, I pressed send, then stood, not wanting to look at my screen for one more moment.
I rushed around my room, packing up as much as I could, leaving behind only the things James had bought me—specifically the dresses, which held too many memories for me to want to take them with me. Once my case was packed, I sat on the edge of my bed and waited for the sound of James coming home. He was later than usual, and a small part of me hoped he would stop at my door to say… something. Anything.
But he walked past, straight to his room, and shut the door. I could practically see him in there, loosening his tie and kicking off his shoes. I could imagine him pulling off his belt and sitting at the edge of his bed, pulling off his sweater, taking off his pants…
I forced my mind away. That was over, and it had been his decision. His choice was to disappear when things got scary. And people like that don’t get to live in my head rent-free.
I looked down at my computer just in time to see the read receipt from my email to James go off, and right on cue, I closed it up, stuck it in my bag, grabbed my suitcase, and left.
Chapter Thirty
James
When I finally had the emotional strength to be a person again, I called my dad to tell him I’d be by to pick up the kids.
He had been really good about all this, not asking too many questions and just telling me to take my time. It was so unlike the man who had raised me that I half wondered if I was dreaming.
Seeing my kids again after a few days was such a relief. They were like tiny rays of sunshine that broke through the ironclad clouds filling my sky.
“Hey, guys!” I said with a brighter tone than I felt.
“Daddy!” Katie said happily. “You came back for us.”
