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Iris lifts a shoulder. “You’re the one who knows her best.”
Which is exactly why I’m worried.
“What if she doesn’t forgive me?” I voice my fear aloud.
She throws her arms around me. “I doubt you’ll stop until she does.”
I return her hug with one of my own. Despite my life blowing up around me, I always know Iris will have my back.
“I just want you to know that I’m so proud of you for taking initiative and getting help yourself.”
I swallow past the thick lump in my throat. “I haven’t even gone to rehab yet.”
“No, but your willingness to go in the first place shows so much progress.”
I lift my chin. “I’m doing it for myself this time.”
“That’s why it will work. You’re going to get better, and I’ll be rooting for you every step of the way.” Her genuine smile battles against the constant chill that has been present in my veins ever since I left the lake house behind.
With Iris’s help and Lana’s friends keeping an eye on her, there is only one last thing getting in the way of me confidently going to rehab and getting my life in order once and for all.
I never thought I would spend my thirty-fourth birthday voluntarily enrolling myself into rehab. It seems fitting with the way my life is going lately to spend it all alone, with nothing to keep me company but my endless thoughts about Lana and a bunch of fellow alcoholics going through various stages of withdrawal along with me.
No one at the facility acknowledges my birthday, which is fine by me. I honestly prefer it that way because I’m not the most pleasant company at the moment. Not having a single coping mechanism to distract me from my thoughts makes me anxious and uncharacteristically agitated with everyone I come into contact with.
No Candy Crush. No alcohol. No Lana and Cami to keep me company as I battle through therapy, group sessions, enough arts and crafts to drive me mad.
Despite being given my approved amount of Adderall, my brain doesn’t stop running, long after I am supposed to be asleep every night. I’m plagued by the decisions I made and how Lana might be reeling from them.
I didn’t mean to leave her alone with the fallout of my choices, but I didn’t have an option. Sticking around would have only hurt her more. Leaving was the best option, even if it screws me up inside to be apart from her and Cami.
It’ll be worth it.
The pain. The lack of alcohol to cope. The constant reminders of how I failed everyone around me because of my addiction.
Not anymore.
I make the same wish I did back at Dreamland, although I have no candle or cake to make it official.
I wish to kick my addiction for good.
The dull throb in my chest hasn’t eased since Cal left two weeks ago. If anything, it only gets worse as the days go on. My attempts to keep myself busy only last for so long. With Cami at her friend’s house and Violet and Delilah busy with work, I have no one left to distract me.
Even the realtor and the general contractor have been quiet about the house. When I voiced my concern about a lack of interested buyers, both assured me that everything was going according to plan.
The silence in the guesthouse quickly becomes unbearable, leaving me to my own thoughts. My head is a pathetic place to be these days. A sad, miserable place that reminds me of a fact I hate admitting to myself.
I miss Cal.
It’s impossible not to when everything reminds me of him. Grocery shopping. Driving around town with my tires squealing. Spending thirty minutes scrolling for something new to watch only to settle on watching a competitive baking show we both have seen a hundred times.
Each day drags on at a snail’s pace. With me not working, my days mainly consist of taking Cami to camp and sitting around the house in case Ryder and the crew need anything from me.
Part of me wishes Cal would show back up, if only for me to be angry at him again. It’s a selfish thought that I dismiss in a matter of seconds, knowing that he is exactly where he needs to be. Yet still, I consider what it must be like to go through the process.
Is he struggling with any withdrawal symptoms?
Is he wishing he never went in the first place?
