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I dragmyself from my bed and force myself to get in the shower. It’s early… Henry isn’t even up yet, but I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. Not since I shut the door in Axel’s face. The look of betrayal and hurt on his face haunts me whenever I close my eyes. I pull on some leggings and a baggy t-shirt. I haven’t worn real clothes in days. I just can’t find it in me to care.
Henry wakes up a short time later, his usual happy, morning-person self. I paste on a smile and pour him a bowl of cereal. I drink a cup of coffee while he eats, doing my best to chase away the brain fog I’ve been living in since I sent Axel away.
Did I think it was hard mourning the loss of William? Add in the loss of Axel, and I’m completely lost. How did I fall for him so fast and so hard? Is it because I was vulnerable after being alone for so long? Or is it because Axel really is perfect for me? I might never know the answer to those questions, which makes me sad.
“Can we go to the park?” Henry asks after breakfast.
I instantly want to say no. I want to stay home and wallow in my sadness, but that’s the old me. I might be depressed and feel like hiding away from the world, but I can’t. Henry deserves better from me. So I paste on a smile and tell him yes.
Thankfully the park is free from any parents I know. I don’t think I could handle idle chit-chat today. Not having familiar people at the park doesn’t stop Henry from making friends. He finds a friend everywhere he goes. I sit on the park bench, watching him play with his new friend. Because I’m a masochist, I pull up the text thread between Axel and me and read all the messages he’s sent over the last few days again.
He's sent everything from the mundane wishing me a good night’s sleep to pleading with me to talk to him. I haven’t replied to any of them, even though I’ve been tempted like crazy.
I close our text thread and open the one from Pelar. She texted me this morning asking if I’m ready for my parent’s visit. I had forgotten entirely that they were coming until that moment. They will be here tomorrow, and I’m not prepared for it.
Not really.
I reply to her.
I can’t blame you. How are you doing with the whole Axel thing?
I close my eyes and let out a sigh from the very pit of my soul. I knew she would ask, but I have no idea how to respond. I don’t want to worry her… at the same time, I don’t want to lie.
I’m getting by.
In other words, you’re miserable.
Leave it to Pelar to cut right to the chase.
I’m fine. Or at least I will be.
Of course you will be. You’re a badass.
I just have to get through this visit first.
I’m crossing my fingers for you…
I put my phone away and go back to watching Henry play. I let him play until he runs up to me, complaining about being hungry. We go home, and I fix him a sandwich with a banana. I should eat, but I have no appetite. Instead, I make another cup of coffee. After lunch, I tuck Henry into bed for his nap.
While he’s sleeping, I start cleaning the apartment. I’ve let it get out of hand, and I don’t want to give my mother one more thing to find me lacking in. It’s bad enough that I will have to paste on a happy face and pretend I’m in a good place for three days while they are here.
I’m pre-exhausted for the whole thing.
The rest of my day is spent cleaning and entertaining Henry. I collapse into bed a little after ten, but sleep evades me. At some point, I drift off and spend the rest of the night chasing ghosts in my dreams.
* * *
“Well,isn’t this place just adorable,” my mom says as she looks around my apartment. “It’s a little small for a family though.”
She’s been here all of thirty seconds, and she’s already throwing barbs my way. This is going to be a loooong three days.
“It’s perfect for Henry and me.”
“If you say so, dear. Now, where is my grandson?”
“Henry, buddy. Grandma and grandpa are here,” I call out to him.
