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“So what you’re saying is, you’ve changed your mind.”
For a second, he looks lost for words and I’m really not sure why. This is one hundred percent his choice. He doesn’t get to look lost right now. Not when he let me believe that there could be a future for the two of us. Hell, for the three of us.
Just as I’m about to lay into him his features harden up once again so I can’t read what’s going on behind his eyes. “Yeah, I guess I did change my mind.”
I give him a jerky nod, not trusting my voice at this moment. I think if I say anything it might waver and give away how much he’s gutting me right now. I jump up off the couch and hustle to the door, flinging it open, silently telling him it’s time to get the fuck out of my house.
“Look, Bianca I—”
“You don’t owe me an explanation,” I cut him off. What I want to do is scream at him that maybe he should have thought it through when I told him I couldn’t have kids instead of telling me he didn’t care. But no, he had to give me false fucking hope that maybe I could have a great love like my friends.
But ranting and raging at him would give him all the power. I’ll never show him how much this hurts me. In fact, if I never see him again, it will be too soon.
Suddenly, I feel an additional pain in my chest and I can’t help but ask, “What about Oliver? Are you going to keep me away from him?” I may not want to see Carson but that doesn’t mean I want to lose Oliver too. He didn’t do anything. Hell, he’s an innocent little kid.
There’s a look of surprise on Carson’s face. I’m not sure if he’s surprised that I actually care about his son—which really pisses me off—or if he just didn’t consider that Oliver is going to be losing me as well.
“Of course not, Bianca. I would never keep you away from Oliver, but…” he stops speaking mid-sentence. The expression on his face turning into one of regret. I stand there, patiently waiting for him to continue. “It’s just that I’m not sure how much he’s going to be around right now.”
I can feel myself growing increasingly cold. It’s obvious be doesn’t want me anywhere near his kid. It’s one thing to rejectme, but it’s quite another to keep me away from Oliver. He knows I care about him and no matter what he says, he can’t convince me that Oliver doesn’t care about me. Instead he’s going to make up some lame excuse that Oliver isn’t going to be around? What kind of bullshit is that? This, more than anything else, tells me right where I stand with him.
“Right,” I say. “Got it. I think you better go.”
Carson starts to head for the open front door but then stops and opens his mouth looking like he wants to say something. Well, whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it.
“Goodbye, Carson.”
“Bianca, I—”
“Goodbye.” The word is thrown from my throat, clipped and harsh. I want him out of my house right this second before I do something stupid as fuck like beg him to reconsider. He merely nods his head at me and walks outside.
It takes every ounce of strength I have not to slam the door. Instead, I slowly close it, letting the door click softly behind him. I won’t give him the satisfaction of slamming the door and letting him know how much this conversation has affected me.
I collapse back onto the couch and cover my face with my hands, making a concentrated effort to steadily breath in and out. I willnotcry about this. I realize the first thing I want to do is call Violet. She always has a way of making me feel better but I can’t bother her while she’s in the hospital recovering.
I don’t know how long I’ve sat at the same place on the couch, watching the shadows stretch across the living room, but when I finally pull out of my funk it’s dark outside. I can’t help but peek out the window and see several of the lights in Carson’s house are on.
I let out a sigh and pick at the paint on my hand. I can’t even be mad at him really. After all, I knew this was going to happen. It’s my own stupid fault for thinking that I could have love whenmy life experience has shown me over and over again that it just wasn’t in the cards for me. It’s my own fault that I let myself believe for just a brief moment that someone could love me, could look past the one thing I couldn’t bring to the table, and this is what happened.
Actually, I can be a little mad at him. That fuck face made me believe for a second that I could have someone to share my life with, then less than twenty-four hours later he changes his fucking mind? Well, fuck that and fuck him. And fuck me too. I don’t know what I’m doing here moping on the couch. That’s not my style.
I’m not going to sit in this empty house all alone when I can practicallyfeelhim right next door. Fuck that. I’m going out. Who knows, maybe I’ll even meet somebody that will get my mind off Carson and his wishy-washy ass.
I shoot texts to both Jenna and Hollie before I jump in the shower and by the time I’m out both have responded that they’ll meet me at Vinnie’s tonight. I start pawing through the clothes in my closet, hell bent on wearing the absolute skimpiest outfit I can find. It’s not long before I’ve settled on A crop top that barely covers the bottom of my breasts and a high waisted skirt that will surely flash my thong anytime I bend over. I’ve never been known for my conservative party outfits but this is a bit much for even me.
Fuck it. I’m the good time party girl right? It’s not like I’m dressing to find a guy of any substance. I’m out looking for a hookup and this will definitely get the job done, I think while looking myself over in the mirror one more time.
I finish loosely piling my hair on the top of my head and doing some light makeup, it’s not like I’ll need much with this outfit. I may be a mix of confusing emotions and on the prowl tonight but I’m not stupid. I leave my car at home and slip inside a ride share headed out for a night on the town.
***
I’m on my fourth—or is it my fifth?—drink and both Jenna and Hollie are eying me with concern. I’m not totally unaccustomed to the look from Hollie, but this is a new one for Jenna. Hell, when I let loose, that girl is usually three steps ahead of me. I’m usually the one reeling her back in.
“Don’t you think you better slow down?” Hollie asks while sipping on a vodka soda. I’m pretty sure it’s the same one she’s been nursing since she first arrived.
“Why?” But even I can hear the slight slur in my voice. “Amelia!” I shout once I spot the tiny redhead behind the bar. “I’ll take another please.”
Amelia stops stacking the glasses behind the bar and eyes me skeptically. I put on my most sober smile and she lets out a sigh. “Look, drink this and I’ll get you another.” She slides a glass of water across the bar towards me and I can’t help but wrinkle my nose at it. “No water, no drink,” she says firmly.
