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Chapter Twenty-Seven
Bianca
It’s been two weeks since I’ve last seen Carson and almost a full week since I’ve heard from him at all. I should be happy. Thrilled even. The constant texts were annoying. And all those flowers? I mean, what was I going to do with them anyway? They were currently dotted around Dad’s house, most of them wilting away and dying but for some reason I stop Violet every time she tries to throw one of the older bouquets out. I think I just enjoy the aesthetic.
Like I said, I should be thrilled he’s given up. I guess I just didn’t expect for him to give up so soon. I know that probably makes me sound like a hypocrite. I love Carson, so of course I’m going to miss him. It’s because I love him that I don’t want to hurt him in the long run. I’m saving him from himself. I’m being rather selfless really.
When Violet told me he came by to see Dad last week I don’t know what I expected to happen. I can tell you Ididn’texpect him to cut off contact with me and completely give up. If I had a less stubborn soul I would corner Dad and make him tell me what the hell he said to Carson to make him go away for good. But I won’t. This is what I wanted after all.
The first week after the breakup I would go out and party every night, dancing and drinking away all my pain. Well, at least I tried to. I mostly just ended up with sore feet and bad hangovers. Now Jenna keeps trying to persuade me to go out but I haven’t been in the mood. As of a few days ago it seems like she’s finally given up and is letting me sulk which I greatly appreciate.
I’ve been staying at Dad’s place, not willing to go home and have to see Carson’s daily comings and goings. There’s plenty of room here and he assures me that he and Violet—who it seems has taken up residence here as well—don’t mind that I’m here. I know they’re telling the truth but I’m sure they want some alone time now that they’re officially together.
A few days after I essentially moved in, they sat me down and told me Violet was pregnant. I’m honestly happy for them and excited at the prospect of being a big sister for the first time. Yeah, it’s a little weird that my dad and my best friend are engaged and having a baby but they’re both so disgustingly happy and obviously in love that I’d have to be nuts to give them a hard time about it. Okay, so I might call Violet my step-mom from time to time but she deserves me giving her a little bit of shit considering she hid the relationship from me for so long. While I’m overjoyed for the both of them, it’s still a stark reminder of why I’m alone and not with Carson.
So while I’m comfortable here, I know it’s time for me to head home, give them their space, and to get back to my normal routine. Dad is going to let me know as soon as a propertyis available so I can move and in the meantime I’m going to get back to working on my paintings. Margot is still waiting on the two other paintings I promised her so I really need to be concentrating on that instead of what Carson is or isn’t doing.
The bags I’ve been essentially living out of the past few weeks are packed and sitting by the front door, waiting to be loaded into my car, I’m just not ready to leave quite yet. Instead, I grab a bottle of wine from the fridge and pour myself a large glass before sitting at the table and taking three large gulps. I shouldn’t be so nervous about going home. I don’t have to see Carson. If he’s outside I’ll just circle the block until he’s back inside his own home and I can safely park and scurry away into my own place. Luckily, since he’s stopped reaching out to me, I don’t have to worry about him barging over and demanding to have some kind of conversation. God, when did I turn into such a fucking coward? I’m so much stronger than this. I guzzle the last bit of wine in my glass and refill it again, hoping for a little liquid courage though not so much that I can’t make it home.
Violet comes wandering into the kitchen, distracting me from what was about to be a serious wine binge. “How you doing?” She asks. She’s basically been treating me with kid gloves since I’ve been staying here and it’s rather odd since she’s usually the more sensitive of the two of us.
“I’m just getting ready to head back home. I’ve got a lot of work to do and if I keep showing up to the gallery in the same three outfits I think Margot’s head is going to explode.”
“It looked to me like you were drinking a bottle of wine all by yourself.”
“Well, I would offer you some but my little brother has taken away my drinking buddy.” I jokingly glare at her stomach where she’s not even showing in the slightest. In fact, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t even have realized she was pregnant yet if it wasn’t for her recent stay in the hospital.
“Hey, it could be your sister. We don’t know yet.” She laughs and places a hand protectively on her stomach with a dreamy look on her face. I smile and realize that it’s not just lip service. I really am happy for her. All Violet has ever really wanted in life was to be a mother. Looking at her now, you’d have to be a real monster for resenting that. I’m many things but I’d like to think that a monster isn’t one of them.
“Well, my only experience with kids is with boys so I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed,” I say taking another sip. My mind drifts to Oliver and my smile disappears from my face. Sure, I miss Carson, but I miss Oliver too. The worst part is that he’s too young to understand why I’ve disappeared all of a sudden. I wonder what Carson’s told him about why I’m not around anymore.
Violet must be able to read my troubled thoughts because she comes over and hugs me from behind while I stay seated at the kitchen table. “You know, I’m sure you could go see him. Carson seems like a reasonable guy. I don’t think he would keep you away from him, especially if Oliver likes you as much as you say.”
I shrug my shoulders, effectively removing her arms from around me. “Who knows, maybe I made our relationship into a bigger thing than it actually was. I mean, how do I know how kids behave around people? I was probably just another random adult to him.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?”
“It doesn’t really matter what I believe, does it? The fact of the matter is that things between Carson and I are over. Keeping any kind of entanglements with Oliver will just make things messier than they need to be.”
She pulls out the chair next to me and takes a seat. “Hey, life is messy. Look at me. I have parents that don’t want anything to do with me and I’m engaged to my best friend’s dad who’s notonly much much older than me, but who has also knocked me up. I mean, there’s not much messier than that.”
“Jesus Christ, you’re a fucking mess, Vi,” I say jokingly. “When you lay it all out like that it does sound like a bit of a mess.”
She gives me one of her signature soft smiles. “It is, and I couldn’t be happier about it. And then look at Hollie falling in love with her grumpy billionaire boss. I mean, who would have ever believed things would work out for the two of them after all that crazy stuff with her momandher dad? that was a pretty big mess too. I don’t know, maybe you should try being a little messy.”
I return her smile with one of my own but don’t answer her with words. There isn’t really anything to say. Things aren’t as easy as she wants to make them out to be. Sure, everything worked out for her and Hollie, but what are the chances of that? One in a billion? More? No, we don’t all get our happy ending and I accepted that a long time ago. I was just stupid enough to forget that for a short time.
***
I cough and wave my hand to swipe some of the dust particles out of my face. How the fuck did this place get so dusty after only a few weeks? I swipe the shelf containing my paints with the dust rag again but am smart enough to turn my head this time. I let out a groan when I realize that whether I’m here or in the new place Dad finds for me, I’m going to be the person the cleaning always falls to.
I mean, I’m not a slob but the deep cleaning stuff was never my forte. I never seemed to have to worry about it either. It must have been something that Violet or Hollie just took care of without telling me about it. Maybe, I should think aboutgetting a new roommate who can help me out with my newly increased list of chores. The thought makes my mood dampen considerably so I push it to the back of my mind and simply go back to setting up my station so it’s ready for me to get some painting done.
As soon as I got home I chucked my bags into my bedroom, not really bothering to put anything away. My fingers were itching to get to work and let some of this emotion that’s been brewing inside of me out onto the canvas. I quickly changed into an old pair of jeans and an already paint splattered shirt then quickly tied my hair up into a messy bun at the top of my head.
Standing in front of the blank canvas, I’m not really sure what I’m going to create. I normally sketch what I’m going to paint out of the canvas before I start but this time I immediately dip a medium sized brush into the mauve and start making broad, bold strokes.
I’ve only been working for about twenty minutes when the front doorbell rings, breaking me out of my trance. My stomach immediately drops to the vicinity of my feet. I’m not expecting anybody. I glance at my phone that’s sitting on the workstation next to me and don’t see any calls or texts. Most everyone I know would reach out to me via phone before just coming over. That really only has it narrowed down to one person. How can you want so deeply to not see a person but desperately need to at the same time? I feel like a crazy person.
