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My brain screams at me to open my hand and slip the device between the couch cushions, but my hand has other ideas. As if it’s incapable of letting go. I’m gripping the bug so tightly I think I may break it. Every fiber of my being tells me to shove it between the cushions and be done with it. Be done with all this shit.
For Mama, Daddy, and Celeste.
That’s all that matters.
Even if it destroys me to betray the one person in the world who cares for me.
So I do it. I release the bug between the couch cushion, snaking it down with my fingers and then I curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.
There’s nothing I can do to stop the tears. They fall freely, of their own accord; rage mixing with sadness mixing with regret and all the feelings that have been brewing inside me for years. Being betrayed by a family member is awful but betraying someone you don’t want to hurt… well, it turns out, that’s torture.
What feels like an eternity—but in reality is only seconds later—the door bursts open, and Daniil races towards me. His face is a mask of worry as he kneels over me, grabbing my chin in his hand. “What’s wrong?” His hands track over my body, touching everywhere, looking for signs of injury.
“It’s not like that,” I sob. “I just don’t feel well. I feel light-headed.”
“What can I do, baby?” He picks me up in his arms, cradling me like a child. “I’ll do anything for you. You know that, Bianca,” he whispers, kissing my forehead.
His words destroy me. They kick-start a fresh round of tears. It would have been preferable if he ripped out my heart from my chest and stomped on it until it was flat.
“I just want to go home,” I say, my face pressed tight into his neck.
“I’ll take you home.” His voice is an anguished whisper. He kisses my head and gently carries me down the stairs and into a waiting car where I pretend to be asleep because I can’t bear his tenderness for one more minute.
CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT
BIANCA
The nightof the casino fundraiser is my undoing.
I spend the next week feigning illness, an excuse to curl into the fetal position with Eris and not leave our bed. Because lying in the dark, questioning my every choice, my every decision that brought me to this very moment, is the only thing I am capable of currently.
Nothing makes sense. Not Jorge accosting me on the stairs. Not Daniil, supposedly a dangerous and lethal bratva boss who treats me like a true printsessa and protects me like I’m the most precious thing on the planet.He would do anything for me.
My final act of betrayal cost me dearly. It cost me my sanity.
It’s late afternoon by the time I drag my sorry ass into the bathroom. I shower because after days in bed, I can’t stand how I smell. Afterwards, I wrap myself in a towel, and brush my teeth, even though it feels like a lot more work than I’m capable of right now. I’m thankful for the fogged-up mirror so I don’t have to look at my treacherous face.
Finishing up, I turn off the tap, and make a move to flip off the light, but something stops me. The knowledge that I haven’t checked the phone I use to communicate with Deidre since I planted the final bug in Daniil’s office a week ago.
Hands shaking, I bend down to open the cupboard door, then reach for the box of tampons. My hand hovers above the cardboard for one long moment. Is this what I want? Deidre will have undoubtedly sent me a message. And once I see it, I can’t unsee it.
But what’s the alternative? How long can I ignore her for? Because if she doesn’t hear from me, it’s not like she’ll back off the Kozlovs. The feds got what they wanted—four high-tech listening devices planted in the homes and offices of one of the most powerful crime families on the East Coast.
I log into our messaging platform to find that Deidre has left me only one message, sent earlier today.
USER3498: We need to meet ASAP. I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow @ 1500. Same place as last time.
Do they have something on my uncle and the Zegas? Hope flares for one brief moment before another thought takes over, a much darker one.She might have something on the Kozlovs.
Bile rises in my throat, but I swallow it back down. I need to keep my shit together long enough to find out what Deidre knows. I can’t hide from my actions any longer. But I also know I can’t face Deidre in person, not when I trust her even less than I trust myself.
USER9684: I have the flu, can’t leave the house. Call me at 1500. I’ll make sure I’m alone.
I put the phone back into hiding and crawl back into bed to block out the real world for as long as I can.
* * *
Sometime in themiddle of the night, Daniil joins me under the covers. This is usually when things take an X-rated turn between us, but he’s been hands-off all week since he thinks I’m sick. Which I am. In the head. Instead, he just spoons me, breathing in my scent.
