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And I realize I have done this all wrong. I can tell by the haunted look in Kim’s eyes that she is back in her past, back to when she was just a thing to be grabbed at and pawed. She is not ready for this yet.
So I nod. I tighten the fastenings on my trou and will my cock to stop aching. “Thank you for the kisses.”
She clutches the neck of my tunic tight to her throat. “I’m sorry. I just…I’m sorry.”
“There is nothing to be sorry for,” I explain gently. “I understand the concept of ‘no.’” I gesture at the bed. “Do you want me to leave?”
She chews on her lip—that smooth, full pink lip that makes me ache. “Can we…can we just sleep? I don’t want you to think I’m a tease—”
“I think you are my Kim,” I say to her. “And I think that when you are ready, we will try again.” I lie down and pat the mattress beside me. “Until then, we will be as we were.”
“I liked the kissing,” she says desperately, as if needing to offer some sort of token.
“Then we will do it again, perhaps.” But this time I will let her lead the way. It will be difficult—my praxiian nature tells me that I need to push myself onto her, to dominate, to make her purr and then take my own pleasure. But Kim is human, and scarred from her past, so I must choose a different path.
I think of the porn vids. I looked for courting clues and dismissed the rest. Perhaps they are worth a second watch. Perhaps they can show me how Kim will want to be touched next time…if there is a next time.
There might not be for a long, long while…if ever.
So be it. I can be patient. Did I not wait many years to kill my master? The best things are worth waiting for.
So I pat the mattress again and she slides next to me after a moment’s hesitation. Kim is stiff, her body tense, as if she expects me to paw at her the moment she lets her guard down. I pull her close, tucking her against my chest like before, and pat her arm. “Go to sleep.”
I even my breathing out and close my eyes, but I do not sleep. I am aware of her nearness, her tension, and it is not until she relaxes against me and drifts off to slumber that I allow myself to do the same.
31
KIM
Boy, I really fucked that up.
I wake up with that thought in my head—and my left boob hanging out of the low neckline of the tunic. I stuff my roving tit back into my clothing and glance over at Nassakth, but he’s still asleep. I detangle myself from his limbs and slide out of bed. I head to the bathroom and put on my wrinkled clothing, mentally noting that we need to go to my homestead today. If I’m going to be staying here, I need my clothes, my things, I need my writing backups, and…and…blankets, I guess.
The thought’s a little depressing. I like sleeping with Nassakth, but I should probably get blankets so I don’t plaster myself to him and give him the wrong impression. At this point, I’m not even sure what the wrong impression would be. I’m so confused. I told him I wanted a platonic marriage, and then the next thing I know, I’m rubbing myself all over him, kissing him, and telling him to touch me.
It’s not his fault that he did just as I asked and I freaked out.
I head to the kitchen and start to make breakfast. I’ve noticed that Nassakth likes meat with all his meals and so I put aside the sweeter breakfast noodles I top with jitai jam and make some salty askri noodles instead, cutting up slabs of meat to fry with the noodles in a pan. The task clears my thoughts and helps me concentrate, and I pick through my feelings about last night.
It’s my fault things went like they did. I encouraged the kissing, and god, I really liked all that kissing. It had been different, but not in a bad way. He’d been so gentle and considerate that all the parts of me that had felt frozen for so long were unthawing, and I’d fallen into the moment and wanted more.
I asked him to touch me, and that was when things got weird. I expected him to do more petting, maybe touch my boobs, but he went right for the endgame and I freaked out. It went too fast, and I wasn’t ready, and I panicked. Now, of course, I have more time to think and I wonder if he knows how humans like to be touched? I forgot completely that he was a gladiator and a slave for a long, long time. Maybe all the sex he has had is rough and quick. Maybe praxiians don’t do foreplay.
