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He smiled at me, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on my lips. The contact helped settle me. I had no idea why. Maybe this man I’d built up in my fantasies and dreams was now my anchor. Though I felt gross and out of sorts since the vomiting episode, I couldn’t work up the self-preservation I needed to. The longer I was in his arms, the longer I wanted to be.
“I probably stink like vomit and sweat,” I muttered. I hadn’t meant for that to come out, but I’d definitely spoken my thoughts out loud.
“You don’t. Besides, good clean sweat never hurt no one. As to the other, it happens. Been in an MC long enough to see and smell it several times. You’d barely eaten anything, and it didn’t smell like beer.”
For some reason that made me chuckle. “Well, at least there’s that.”
“You think we can move to the couch now?”
“Yeah. Probably be more comfortable than sitting on the floor.”
Roman helped me to my feet, then stood himself. “Brush your teeth and wash off so you feel better. Do you want to take a shower?”
I shook my head. “No!” I cleared my throat. “I mean, I want to brush my teeth, and I’ll just kind of wash with a washcloth. I hate showers or baths.” He frowned at me, so I quickly explained. “I don’t like the feel of water on my skin much. It’s thinner than blood but…”
“I get it.” He looked like he did, too.
“I also don’t like washing. Touching my scars.”
“Do they still hurt?” He wasn’t judging, just curious. Roman was truly trying to learn what made me tick and what set me off and why.
“No. it’s not that. It’s the sensation. I don’t like the feel of them. Even when I use something between my hand and the scars, I imagine I can feel them. I don’t like touching them.”
He stared at me for long moments. I got the feeling he was having an internal struggle with himself. When he finally spoke, his question surprised me. “Would you be OK with me washing you? I’ll only get the high spots. Just enough to wash the sweat off so you don’t feel sticky. Arms. Legs. Face and neck. Pits. I only want you comfortable, Winter.”
This didn’t compute. “You want to wash me?”
“Look, I know what it sounds like. But I ain’t tryin’ to get you naked and feel you up.” He snorted. “At least, not right now. You were self-conscious about the sweat and vomit. I just want to offer a solution to help you have what you want and not be uncomfortable.”
Tears welled in my eyes. Serelda and I had similar issues with water and touching our scars. She dealt with that part better than me, while I dealt with the nightmares and internal scars better than she did. “Serelda often helps me in the shower. She knows I don’t like to touch the scars, so she helps with the washcloth when I can’t move past it. I hold her at night when she has nightmares.”
“Then let me do this for you. However you want to do it.”
I thought about it. “A shower would be nice. Is that too much?”
“Not at all, honey. I’m here to do anything you need. Including getting in the shower with you.” He gave me a cocky grin. Coming from anyone else, I’d have thought he was being crude. Not Roman. He was trying to lighten the mood.
“Before we do this, you have to know I’m not pretty to look at. What you see on my face is nothing compared to the rest of me.”
“Baby, there’s nothing you can show me that’s gonna make me change my mind about keepin’ you. You realize that. Right?”
I sighed. “I’m not going to be that woman you’re proud to have on your arm at a party, Roman. I’m always going to look like what I am. A scarred, traumatized freak with too much makeup on. My first instinct is to hide, not fight back. I’m always going to have a target on my back with any women at those parties, and I doubt I’ll be able to hold my own.”
“Like you did with Jezlynn and her group your first night here?” He gave me a challenging look, daring me to downplay what I’d done.
“That was a one-off thing. I was stressed to the max and knew I had to prove myself. I wanted to not be sheltered by everyone around me, and she said the right combination of things to set me off. Then the other one attacked me, and all the self-defense classes Rycks forced us to take kicked in. And the sight of the blood nearly did me in. If that had continued, I’d have lost my mind.”
“Tell me something.” He leaned one hip against the vanity and crossed his arms over his chest. “What kind of woman do you imagine I want?”
“I don’t know. Someone like the club girls here? Like the woman in the restaurant?” I gave a humorless laugh. “A woman whose face isn’t half destroyed by scars?”
“OK, so first, if I wanted that woman at the restaurant, I’d have taken the invitation she offered. I didn’t. Second, the whores here are free for all. At one time or other, I’m sure I’ve had every single one of them. Every brother here has. If I wanted to be with one long term, I’d have taken one years ago. I didn’t. They’re for fucking before a man takes an ol’ lady. After that, he works out what he needs to with his woman.” He moved then, framing my face with his hands and brushing the pads of his thumbs over my cheeks. “You said you had no idea if you could move further than the kisses we shared together. Are you willing to try to do more? Knowing that I’ll stop the instant you say so, no matter how far we get into it?”
I nodded. “Yes, Roman. I want to. I want to do it all, if for no other reason than to feel normal again. But I can’t imagine trying it with anyone but you.”
“Good. Because I’ve already claimed you. Once your vest gets here with the property patch on the back, it will be official. So, I want you to listen to me. Really listen, Winter. I don’t want to have to revisit this.” When I nodded he continued, “I. Want.You. No one else, Winter. Not the club whores, not the woman in the restaurant. You. Why? Because you’re strong. You fought to overcome your past. You fought for your sister. You’re fighting now for what you want. What I want you to realize is that it makes you brave, fierce, determined. You’ll love and protect your family with everything inside you. And you have quite a lot in your heart to fight with. Not just physically, either. You did all this because not only did you need it, but you knew Serelda needed it as much as you did. If it had all been for you, you’d have stayed at Black Reign and been comfortable because you knew Serelda didn’t want to leave. You didn’t leave for you. You did it for your sister. You told me yourself.”
He kissed me again, this time with more passion. It didn’t make me feel trapped or like he was trying to take something from me. I could feel his need to give me pleasure he had to know I’d denied myself for over a decade. When he pulled back, I knew he could see desire shining in my eyes. Because I wanted this man. Roman. The enforcer of Iron Tzars. The larger-than-life man. My protector in all things.
