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He never used it on me, only her.
He only spanked me.
Why?
The thought plagues me. I pick up the flogger and run my finger over the leather tassels, unable to stop wondering why Riggs didn't use it on me. There are no answers. I finally put it back on the wall and turn, staring at the 14-ring steel St. Andrew's Cross, imagining the vision of my body restrained to it and all that Riggs did to me that night.
My core stirs. I wish we could return to that evening and my naivety. As much as there were things I hated, it awoke something in me. I loved every minute of being at Riggs's mercy and watching him dominate Aria, even though my jealousy flared.
I clutch the metal and close my eyes, fighting more tears.
How will I ever feel alive again the way Riggs knows how to light me up?
It doesn't matter. He only wanted me as a way to get revenge on my father.
He promised he'd always protect me and especially from my father. But he didn't. It was all lies.
I sniffle and then lock eyes on the bench that Aria laid on. Something snaps inside me. I walk over to it, then position my body the same way she did. Gripping the legs of the bench and staring at the cross, I wonder what it would feel like to have Riggs flogging me, belting out commands. I imagine staring at Aria, merciless and restrained on the cross, watching me the way Riggs made me watch her.
Why am I thinking about her?
He doesn't think I can handle what she can.
Ugh! I'm screwed up.
What does it even matter?
Because I saw the flame in his eyes. I saw the power he felt and the dominance he needed to display—the dominance I know he has to act on.
He had that look for her, not for me.
But he married me, not her.
My stomach somersaults again. No matter how much I try to remind myself he married me and not her, being in this room and reminiscing about that scene won't go away. And the truth doesn't blind me.
He only married me to get at my father, not because he really wanted me.
The emptiness I feel only grows. I squeeze my hands tighter around the metal legs, my vision blurry, sobbing hard against the bench. I'd do anything to have Riggs behind me and slapping the leather against my skin to distract me from the mental anguish that I can't escape.
A puddle of tears pools under the bench. I finally rise and force myself to leave the room. I go into the kitchen and open the fridge, surprised it's full but unsure why I'm shocked. It's a total Riggs move. He's always taken care of me and I've never wanted for anything.
Unless he had another sub here before I demanded this place.
What am I talking about?
Riggs has never cheated on me. Even when he brought Aria here, I know he only did it in order to train me.
How do I know anything I thought was true isn't a lie?
Maybe it all was part of Riggs's twisted game.
The rabbit hole I dive into only deepens as the night goes on. I keep my personal cell off and only have the burner phone on, torturing myself by reviewing the content again and again. Then the burner phone dies, and I realize I have no chargers for either of my phones.
I pace the apartment, and I finally can't handle it anymore. I turn on my cell, ignore the dozens of missed texts and voicemails from Riggs, and text him.
Me: I need chargers for both phones.
He tries to call me. A photo of us together in Hawaii pops up, and the pain intensifies. I almost answer it, but I send it to voicemail on the fourth ring.
