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Chapter 16: Secrets
Rachel
“We need to hang out tonight,” Taylor said in between puffs. “I hardly ever see you anymore since you’ve moved out.”
“You come over every other day,” I reminded her. I set the phone down on the nightstand and set it to speaker. Then I unfolded the sheet and spread it over the bed. When I climbed onto the bed to smooth out the wrinkles, I imagined Bernard there, with a hungry look in his eyes, and blushed.
I loved spending a few hours in his bed while Ron dozed off in the guest room.
Every night, it got harder and harder to scoop Ron up into my arms and make my way down the dark hallway. And each morning, when I saw Bernard in our kitchen, bent over the stove or leaning over the counter while he checked his emails, my heart gave an odd little lurch.
Months later, I still couldn’t get over the fact that he was in our lives.
It still felt like a dream I’d landed in the middle of.
And never wanted to wake up from.
The three of us had fallen into a routine where we had breakfast in my apartment, with Ron giggling and keeping up a steady stream of conversation the entire time. Meanwhile, Bernard and I held hands under the table and exchanged quick looks when Ron wasn’t looking. After breakfast, Bernard and I took Ron to school together. On the ride back to the office, the two of us usually ended up kissing and fogging up the car.
On more than one occasion, I couldn’t meet Jonathan’s eyes when he dropped me back at the apartment building. With the two of them away, I usually had plenty of time to clean and tidy up Bernard’s appointment, humming to myself the entire time. Although Bernard had offered, on several occasions, to take care of all of my financial needs, I still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of relying on him entirely.
Considering the unstable upbringing I had, the last thing I wanted was to put myself at the mercy of a man who didn’t owe me anything. Granted, I fell more and more in love with Bernard with each passing day, the love only growing whenever I saw him with Ron, but it didn’t mean I was ready to give up all semblance of independence.
Only when I threatened to find a job somewhere else did Bernard acquiesce.
Keeping my job as his housekeeper was a formality, but it was one I needed.
With everything else in my life moving at a rapid pace, I craved the familiar and the normal. Little by little, Bernard had become such a big part of our lives, and while a part of me was thrilled with the change, I was also terrified.
I didn’t want to wake up one night and find myself alone.
Again.
At night, I often crept into Ron’s room and watched him in the doorway, counting the even rise and fall of his chest until some of the knots in my stomach unfurled. Then I crept over to Bernard’s apartment and did the same, only returning to my own room when the pounding of my heart stopped. Moving out of Taylor’s, the warm and familiar haven we’d called home for the past five years, hadn’t been easy, but it had been time.
My friend deserved to have her space and her life back.
Even if she still wouldn’t admit that we’d hijacked it, to begin with.
“I miss you guys too much,” Taylor responded with a sigh. “I’ve gotten used to having you around. The house is too quiet without the both of you. And I miss the two of you making fun of me while I worked out.”
“We weren’t that loud,” I protested, pausing to fluff up the pillows. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something small fall to the floor with a clatter. When I bent down to pick it up and realized it was a USB stick, I frowned.
“You, Ron, and Bernie should come over for dinner. Don’t worry. My parents will cook, not me.”
“We’ll set it up. Listen, Tay, I’ve got to go. Bernie left something important at home. I’ve got to go to the office and give it to him. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Look at you sounding all domestic and stuff. You’re crazy about this man.”
“I am.”
“I don’t understand why you still haven’t moved in with him. You’re practically living together already,” Taylor continued, pausing to say something in the background. “Remind me again why you have your own apartment.”
“Because I don’t want to move too fast. It’s better this way. Ron is taking the time to process and adapt.”
“It sounds like you’re the one who needs time to process and adapt,” Taylor pointed out. “Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just saying. You can’t keep Bernard at arm’s length forever because you’re afraid of being happy.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
