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I didn’t tell her any of that, though.
Because I couldn’t.
Because it wasn’t fucking good enough.
“I don’t know,” was all I could say instead. “I don’t know why I do it, Molloy.”
Sniffling, she looked up at me and whispered, “That’s not good enough.”
I know.“It’s all I have.” Cupping her face between my hands, I leaned in close and pressed my brow to hers. “I’m sorry.”
Shivering, she closed her eyes and leaned into my touch. “I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“Neither do I,” I replied hoarsely, and then it almost killed me to add, “But I don’t want to hurt you either, which means that I need to stay away from you, and you need to let me.”
“No.” With tears dripping down her cheeks, she shook her head and tightened her hold on my waist. “I can’t.”
“You have to,” I croaked out, feeling every ounce of her pain because I shared it right along with her. “Because I need to get my head clear before I can trust myself to be near you.”
“But you’re fine now,” she sobbed, clutching onto me. “You didn’t go out tonight. You’re here. You’re here, Joe! You’re not strung out, or stoned, or drunk.”
“We both know that I’m not fine, baby.”
“But—"
“Listen to me.”
“No, because you’re not saying what I need you to say.”
“You want the words?” Roughly clearing my throat, I sucked in a sharp breath before saying, “Fine; I love you, Aoife Molloy.”
“Don’t.“
“Iloveyou,” I reiterated, eyes locked on hers, as I brushed away a tear from her cheek. “I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my life, and that’s not an exaggeration. That’s the god honest truth.”
“Joe.”
“Which iswhyI can never put you in a position like the one I put you in on Christmas Eve.” Sniffing back my emotion, I shook my head and expelled a harsh breath before adding, “It’sbecauseI love you that I willneverallow that to happen to you ever again.”
“You’re not supposed to tell me that you love meafterwe’ve broken up,” she cried, burying her face in my chest. “You were supposed to say it when we were still together.”
“Before, during, after.” I shrugged helplessly. “It still stands.”
“I don’t want this, Joey,” she strangled out. “I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend.”
“And you’re my best friend,” I admitted, torn apart. “Nothing I feel for you has changed, Molloy.”
“Then I need something more than just words,” she demanded. “If you expect me to walk away, then I need you to give me some sort of guarantee.”
“Like what?”
“Like this isn’t forever,” she whispered, green eyes searching mine. “That this is a temporary break, and as soon as you process whatever it is that you need to process, we’re going to get back together.”
“And if I can’t?”
She shook her head. “That’s not an option.”
“Molloy.” I blew out a breath. “I don’t want to make you a promise that I can’t keep.”
