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His nose wrinkles, he rubs it with mine, and then takes my hand, ignoring my quip. “You look out of this world,” he says, leading me out to a Mercedes. “We’ll have to take Danny’s car.” He opens the passenger door. “I was blocking him in earlier when he went out with Rose, so he took mine.”
I slip into the seat and pull my seatbelt on, watching James round the front, admiring him. Dinner. A normal, regular dinner, like a normal regular couple. He opens the door, but he doesn’t make it into the car. The gates up ahead open and James’s Range Rover appears. “Oh, they’re home,” I say, releasing myself from the car to say hello to Rose before we leave. I step out and watch Danny drive toward us, and the second he stops, he’s out, looking pretty fucking murderous.Oh shit.What’s happened now? Naturally, I look at Rose. She looks apprehensive.
I tilt my head. She shakes hers.
“The fuck?” Danny yells, marching toward James. “Have you lost your fucking mind?”
Now I know this isn’t about me taking the delivery because Danny told me he thought my idea was a good idea. So, again, what the hell has happened now? I look between the men, worried they might get up in each other’s faces again, take out their frustrations on each other. “What’s going on?” I ask Rose, joining her.
“Oh, you’ll see,” she says, opening the back door and dragging out piles of bags. “We had a lovely shopping trip, just me and my husband.” She smiles. It’s fake.
“Why are you lying?”
“I’m not. It was wonderful. Then we were driving home and—”
“You’re fucking insane,” Danny shouts, wrestling his way out of his jacket and slamming it on the ground. Then he obviously remembers he needs something in the pocket and snatches it back up, rummaging through.
“What the hell are you banging on about?” James mutters, obviously tired of watching Danny tearing away at his jacket because he claims it and goes straight to the pocket, pulling out his Marlboros and passing them over with his zippo.
Danny lights one, inhales deeply, then puffs out the smoke, pointing at the Range Rover with his cigarette. “Join me.” He smiles, the kind of smile none of us want to see, and paces to the back of James car, releasing the trunk with the key fob. James follows, and, of course, Rose and I too. The trunk lifts slowly, taking forever, as we all stand and wait for whatever is going to be revealed, and when it is, James is the first to speak.
“Ah, fuck,” he grunts, as I stare at a motionless body that’s bound and gagged.
“Ah, fuck?” Danny says, laughing. “That’s what you’ve got to say? Ah,fuck?Who the fuck is it and how long has he been in your car? Because it fucking stinks.”
I step forward and sniff, as does Rose, and immediately slam a palm over my mouth. “Ewww.” Stale urine. “You arenottaking me for dinner in that,” I blurt.
“Oh, you’re going for dinner?” Rose sings, facing me, her shopping bag whirling with her.
“Wewere,” I say, as James steps forward and prods the body. “Now I have a feeling we’ll be getting rid of a body.”
“He’s still alive,” James says. “He’s only been in here since last night.”
“I know he’s still a-fucking-live,” Danny yells, pulling on his cigarette urgently, like it’s the only thing keeping him on the ground. “Because he yelped when I threw my wife’s shopping in the trunk.”
“Threw?” Rose says, outraged. “There’s a Jo Malone Candle in there, Black.” She starts rummaging through the dozens of bags, looking for her candle.
“I know.” Danny laughs. “It hit him on the head.”
I look between Danny and Rose, then to James, absolutely... amused. I’m amused. And unable to push it back, it pours out of me, forcing me to drop my purse and use my hands to hold on to James. I catch Rose’s eye as she looks up from her bags, abandoning her check of the candle, and she falls apart too, obviously realizing how crazy this is.
And the men?
They smoke, and they watch, letting us hang on to them while we get it out of our systems. I think I’ve gone mad. Definitely, actually.
“So,” James says when I’ve straightened and composed myself, although I can still hear Rose’s random chuckles, the aftermath of her laughing fit dragging out longer than mine. “Are we going for dinner or not?” he asks.
“Yes, dinner,” I reply, sniffling and wiping my nose. Lord knows, I need some wine, and while this is all so inappropriate, it is respite from dealing with...everything. “What about him?” I ask, pointing to the trunk.
Danny pushes the button on the underside to close it and flicks his cigarette butt away. “He can wait.” He scowls, looking at James. “Wait, who is it?”
“The Leprechaun.”
“Irish by any chance?” I ask, dipping and collecting my purse, prompting another chuckle from Rose, but this time through her nose, making the most unattractive sound.
Her laughter stops abruptly, and she slaps her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God, I just snorted.” She looks absolutely horrified, looking at me with wide eyes, and I’m off again, laughing like a hyena, my makeup ruined by tears.
James moves in and holds me up. “He was at the Pink Flamingo last night,” he says to Danny.
