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“I am, and you must be Dr. Roberts.”
“I am.” He gestured toward the big, comfortable chair in front of him. “I can tell by your hesitation you thought I’d be older.”
“Was I that obvious?”
“No, I just get it a lot.” He grinned than looked at my file. “I’m just a few years older than you.” Interesting. “Would you care to get started?”
“Sure.” I sat down and rubbed my hands over my thighs and thought how strange it was that in all the time since I’d been home from the war, I was only now about to get some help, and I knew I had my own father to thank for it.
After some brief “get to know you” chat, he jumped right in. “Daniel, if you could describe your time in Nam, in sequence, and in just a few words, what would they be?” Well, that certainly ripped the Band-Aid off. I drove my heels hard into the floor to stop the images those words brought.
This was what I needed, just do the session.
“Shock, bewildered, horrific, brutal, hopeless, hell.” I swallowed hard.
“Powerful words.” He looked me in the eyes and held them a moment then slowly looked down and jotted something on his notepad. “When you were over there, did you think much about home?”
“Of course.”
“All right, same question, but describe what it was like when you came home. No limit on the words, just try to put them in sequence as you did before. How you’ve felt since you’ve been back.”
I forced my mind to think about the plane ride home, the belly of the aircraft opening once we landed, and the sunlight that burst over us along with the knowledge we were home. Then the shock of our lack of welcome. Even though we had an idea of it, it was still a shock.
“Relief, exhaustion, confusion, broken, anxious, demons.” I rubbed the back of my head and took a moment to think, then added, “Safe, light, happy, love, difference.”
“Good.” My eyes were drawn to his pencil as he drew a curved line and started to make little ticks along its arch. “Do you allow yourself to remember what happened over there?” He caught me staring at his pad but didn’t move it.
“I try not to, no.”
“Why?”
“What would that accomplish? Looking backward, I mean.”
“Do you feel bothered when you think back? Do you have dreams or nightmares about being over there?”
“Yes.” I knew he would already know any guy who’d been to war would have nightmares about it, but I understood he needed to ask, so I kept my voice even and gave him the answer.
“How often?” he shot back.
I answered without thought. “Maybe three times a week.” It was an honest answer.
He crossed his legs then gave a little stretch, and I followed his lead and rolled my head to relax the tension in my neck. I wondered if he’d done that to keep the session relaxed.
“It’s a misconception that soldiers think they have to push all the bad stuff aside when they get home. Show how tough they are and all that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know you have to be mentally strong to be able to do your job when you’re there, and it’s hard to let your guard down now. You’ve seen things over there that were horrific.”
I nodded and broke eye contact.
“Yet, in order to move forward, you have to be able to take that horror over here,” he moved his hands out to his side and made a circle with them, “and now you’ve finished your assignment, and you’re back safe and sound, you need to bring that over here to the forefront.” He moved his hands to the center as he spoke. “You need to do that, Daniel, in order to deal with it, or those demons you mentioned earlier will always be there waiting for you in your sleep, or maybe the next time something triggers you. They’ll eat away at you for the rest of your life.”
“Okay,” I nodded in agreement and saw his point, “I’m open to help. What’s the first step?”
“Acceptance of what happened.” He rubbed his chin and gauged my reaction. “You never asked to be a part of that war. You were told to go, and you did. You survived and returned home a different man. Screw what you see in the media, screw the dirty looks from the person behind the checkout counter, you did what you had to, to get yourself home.” He paused. “Let go of all that, and I can help you with the rest.”
A slow smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, and I sank down deeper into the chair.
“Okay.”
“Well let’s get started.” He smiled.
