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And I did know that, but that didn’t stop the grief from pouring out of me.
“Santa Adelina, Madre di Dio, prega per noi peccatori, adesso e nell’ora della nostra morte,” I murmured in a choked voice. These were the words a Made Man said upon a death, but I never thought I’d be saying them upon the death of my own brother: ‘Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.’
***
News of Aloysius’s death quickly circulated among the Fratellanza, together with details of his betrayal.
As expected, Marco wanted to make an example of what would happen to any person inside the Fratellanza who turned against the organization. Marco, however, didn’t reveal why Aloysius had acted as he’d done, and people assumed it was a case of a jealous younger brother trying to get rid of his older brother so that he could take over his position. My illegitimacy remained a secret, Marco agreeing that the truth would have too much of an unsettling effect on the organization.
The funeral was a quiet affair, with just myself, Anni, Marco, and Alessio attending. Whenever I thought about what had happened, I felt numb. I’d never wanted things to turn out this way.
***
The day after the funeral, Anni and I had just finished putting the children to bed.
We had done it together, and as I turned off the light, I took a last look at Clara. She was already asleep, having succumbed to her tiredness before I’d even finished the bedtime story.
She looked so little in her huge bed. She was lying practically on top of the stuffed cat toy Anni had given her, and Wilbur was tucked up next to her with her arm snugly around him. I had finally given in to Clara’s pleas to take Wilbur up to bed with her. He would do anything for Clara and let her spend hours stroking his fur, and she seemed to get a lot of comfort from stroking him as well as from stroking her toy cat. I was just glad that Clara was happier and coping better with her grief.
Ever since Anni had gotten the stuffed cat toy for Clara, her sleep had gradually improved to the point where she rarely woke at night now. And her not waking also meant that Clemente didn’t get disturbed and he, too, slept through almost every night.
I went downstairs with Anni, and we sat down to finally talk.
“Regarding the raid, deep down I didn’t wantto believe you were the leak, but I had to do my job as an Underboss. I couldn’t ignore the fact that the raid was the day after you’d found out about the factory. My head and heart were telling me different things.”
“I get that. But I need you to trust me,” she said seriously, “particularly when it comes to the kids.”
“I know. And, for what it’s worth, I do trust you with the kids. You don’t know how glad I am that I have you in my life, not just for the kids, but also for me.”
She smiled at me.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said when you told me that you’d been taking Clara to see a speech therapist. I know I didn’t like it at the time, but now I can see that you were right.”
“Really?” she asked carefully.
“Yeah, really. I know I’ve been an asshole about the whole speech therapy thing. You’ve done wonders with Clara’s speech since you came to live with us, and I haven’t shown you enough appreciation for what you do.”
“I don’t need appreciation; I just want your trust.”
“You have it,” I said seriously. “The next appointment, we’ll all go to the session together.”
“If you’re busy with work, I can take Clara by myself…”
“No, I’ve left you to do too many of these things by yourself up until now. We’re a family, and I want us to do these things together.” I closed my eyes for a moment. “The business is a mess right now with the raid happening and everything else, and the Aloysius thing isn’t something I know how to sort out.”
“You’ll deal with it, just like you deal with everything else thrown at you, and I’ll be right here at your side.”
“I haven’t dealt with things well in the past. Everything in my life has been about my role as an Underboss in the Fratellanza, a role that wasn’t even rightfully mine. And what has it achieved? A brother who was out to get me and is now dead, a first wife who hated what I did so much that she couldn’t carry on with life, and a job that means I have to suspect my own wife of wrongdoing if the facts point that way despite what my heart might tell me. Has it all been worth it? Is it worth it now?”
“But look at all the other things that you’ve achieved in that time: Clara, Clemente, and us.”
I shook my head. “My role is interfering with my relationship with you, and I hate that. My heart tells me that you would never do something disloyal to me, the children, or the Fratellanza. But my mind is so messed up sometimes with everything that has happened in the past, making me doubt myself and the things I’ve done. What if I’d come clean to everyone right after my father had died, telling them that Aloysius was the rightful successor? He would have made a good Underboss, and the Fratellanza would have been no worse off—and maybe Rita would still be alive and the kids would still have her in their lives. That’s the really hard thing—the thing that’s so hard to forgive myself for. Every time I see the grief in Clara’s eyes, that just kills me to my core.”
Anni put her hand on my arm. “You have to focus on the future, on healing, and on happiness. Not one of us can change the past, but we can change the way we deal with it. I’m not saying forget what’s happened. But let the kids have photos of their mom around the house,” she said gently, “and remind them of her love for them and the happiness that you had together. Because there were happy times, but right now you’re focusing on the bad times and what went wrong. We can’t control life, but we can control our response to it—if we’re going to let it beat us down, or if we’re going to embrace everything that it throws at us and come out stronger on the other side of it.”
“I just keep wondering what if I had gotten out of this life, if that would have made a difference somehow?”
“What if—the words we all say and think. And it’s okay to think about it, but don’t let those thoughts overwhelm you. No one can control what fate throws at them, and it’s futile to try otherwise.”
