Page 19 of Was I Ever Real

But this dream is a loose cannon, threatening to unearth feelings I can not and will not deal with. As I continue to stare at the ceiling, I can feel a lone tear escape my left eye. It travels down my temple and into my hair. I pretend I can’t sense it rolling down my skin. If I lay perfectly still, maybe the feeling will eventually leave. Like evading a wild animal, I play dead hoping this expanding sadness inside me will disappear and go attack another poor unsuspecting soul.

Not me. Please just… not me.

The duvet tucked tight over my chest begins to feel like a trap, and I’m suffocating under the weight of it. I jerk upwards and fling the damn thing off me.

I can feel the restlessness settle deep into my bones. It’s early, maybe four or five in the morning but I can’t just sit here and dwell. I need to do something before I snap, so I jump out of bed and head for the closet. I slip into some leggings and a sports bra, then tug my running shoes on and bolt out the door.

I park my car at the foot of the wooded hiking trail. I’ve driven in near trance-like determination up here as if this was the remedy to all my problems. Not sure what overcame me to think that I’m the kind of active person who hikes but there was no convincing me otherwise.

There’s not a soul around and a small voice inside tells me this is how eighty percent of all crime shows begin but I decide to ignore it. Stepping out in the still crisp night air, I inhale deeply and head for the trail, weaving between the trees.

My muscles were already tired before I even began, and five minutes into the hike, they’re now throbbing but I’m too stubborn to quit now. Eventually, the heavy breathing and the constant push of my body up the path pulls me into a state of serene quietness. Like I’ve somehow slipped underwater, even the rustle of the cool breeze through the leaves above me has become muted. I focus on the need to climb and climb and climb. And eventually, after the longest thirty minutes of my life, the terrain evens out and I realize I’ve reached the top of the hill. A small twinge of victory pulls at my heart as if this hike meant something else entirely but I don’t linger on the feeling and flop onto the dry dirt at my feet.

The pebbles bite into my back while I lay there, arms spread up near my head but I pay them no mind. From my peripheral, I watch my chest rise and fall, as I slowly catch my breath. The twinkling stars above are slowly disappearing, slipping back into the depths as the night sky turns into early morning. I listen to the sound of my own breathing while my heart eventually returns to a normal speed and finally I stand back up.

I realize I can see the expanse of the city outline from this high up. And somehow, the change of perspective from this vantage point makes me think I can do anything.

It’s a false belief. But I embrace it.

For a small fleeting moment while I watch the sunrise over Noxport, the rays bouncing off the glass of the taller buildings, nothing really feels that dire. There’s hope in every sunrise, and I’m privy to this one. I let it tingle through my tired limbs, my eyes falling closed for just a moment as I let this strange feeling sink in. A feeling I don’t quite recognize.

But it doesn’t last long.

This feeling can only exist here. And I can’t stay here forever.

The small tranquil smile I didn’t even realize was on my face in the first place disappears. I take one last long look at the city, and the ocean even further out melting into the horizon, and turn away.

My calves scream all the way down, but I barely take notice, lost in thought. The same thoughts I managed to hide from on the way up. The trail ends and my thoughts darken, walking gingerly to my car. Inside, I sit in silence, biting my lip and chastising myself for feeling so weak. My insides are threatening to crawl out of me. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this rattled. I hate it.

But I refuse to cry.

I jam the keys into the ignition, my hands shaking. I choose the loudest EDM song I can find and tune out. By the time I park in my building’s underground car park, I’ve managed to regain some kind of composure and wrestle my persona back into place. Lenix does not do morose. Lenix is fun, flirty and casual. I flip down the car mirror, patting the few stray tears that are on my cheek, fix a smile on my face and climb out of my car.

Chapter 13

I’monmywayhome, stuck in the late Friday afternoon traffic. It’s nearing the end of the week and my brother’s threat is grating at me with every passing second. I know it’s not an empty threat. Not when I still remember a few instances when women would disappear and then reappear a few weeks later—or even months. No one would dare say anything out loud but we knew. Upon their return, everyone would act like nothing was out of the ordinary. A sister had simply lost her way and been found again. I couldn’t see it then, but now looking back my stomach sinks recalling the look of defeat in their eyes when they were eventually brought back into the flock.

There’s absolutely no way I’m going back.

I know what waits for me if I do. I’ve been gone too long. There wouldn’t be repentance for my sins, only damnation. I would be used as an example for all. I would have to pay for what I did to my father.

A pedophile. But a holy one.

It’s the only thing that matters to the elders—and now Frederick.

There’s no love lost between my brother and I. I don’t secretly wish to save him like I do my sister. Or any of my siblings even. Being thrust into the real world, allowed me the vocabulary to understand the dynamics within the commune. A goddamn cult is what it is. The reins of patriarchy are so insidious that I know I’ve lost my brother from the corruption of it all. He’s brainwashed—just how I used to be. But it’s harder to save someone in his position, to make him see the light when he so willfully benefits from the system held in place. He’s not a victim.

And nor will I be. Ever again

I glance distractedly to the car idling beside me. That’s when I see him.

Patrick. My ex-fiancé. The one I was meant to marry that day.

He hasn’t even looked my way but my adrenaline spikes nonetheless.Fuck.I need to make a decision fast. And when the traffic finally starts to move, I try to lose him. But after a few random turns into streets that are leading away from my condo, his car is still trailing behind me. My chest tightens as I mentally think through the options I have. They’re limited but one continues to pop up, demanding my attention and finally I crack.

I connect the Bluetooth and make the call.

It rings and rings untilfinallyConnor picks up.

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