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Caelan tries again, placing his hand against my waist, and this time I accept the small gesture of comfort. I know I’m stiff at first, but he pulls me in closer to rest against his chest anyway. Slowly, gradually, I relax into the embrace.
I can’t think about it too hard, though. God, that’ll only make everything worse again. He’s trying so hard for me. Why would hetry?That’s the other massive thorn in my side, jabbing at me like a knife wound. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve them. He’s a goddamndemon,and I’m a pathetic bitch sobbing in a bathroom.
Another set of footsteps approaches. I tense and pray for whoever else needs the bathroom to go and leave, but they stop in front of us.
Elias murmurs my name, and my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.
When I don’t respond, he turns to Caelan. “What happened?”
Caelan shrugs. “I didn’t do anything.”
I have to saysomething. I shake my head. “I-I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I’m… it’s so stupid. I just got really insecure and jealous and shit a-and… maybe had a bit of a panic attack. I’m okay.”
I can feel Elias’ eyes on me. “You’re not okay,” he says, taking my hand.
I snatch it back with a choked sob. “Stop! Stop being so fuckingniceto me.”
“Why would we do that?”
“I don’t know. How can I deserve this? Did you see that room? There were hundreds of people who would kill for a chance to be with you! Prettier, smarter, funnier. I’mnothing, okay? That’s the problem. Iloveyou, but I don’t understand how you can see anything in me. I’m waiting for the day you wake up and realize I’m not worth it, and the more you act like you care about me in the meantime, the more ithurts.”
They’re both very quiet for a long moment. Elias takes my hand more firmly this time, not letting me pull away. “Shannon—” he begins, but I cut him off.
“Oh, and that’s another thing. I love you. God. I’m in love with you. I can’t keep denying it to myself, and thatterrifiesme. I know, I know you’re not human, I get it, and I don’t expect you to be able to return my feelings the same way, I swear. I’d never put that pressure on you. But I just, I—”
I manage to keep it relatively together for long enough to get most of my rant out, but there are sobs catching in my throat again, and the tears only come faster. Trying to talk about it always makes it worse. I should’ve shut my damn mouth and waited until I’d cried it all out.Idiot.
But now I must finish. They’re both waiting for me.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I manage to get out, voice cracking.
“Why would you lose us?” Elias questions quietly.
“Isn’t it disgusting? Having a pathetic human head over heels for you?”
“You think so little of yourself,” he comments, and that cuts to the quick. A simple observation, but he’s so right, and it aches.
I have nothing to say in my defense. I don’t have the energy left. When Elias wraps his arms around me, I can only collapse against him, breaths ragged and my shoulders still quietly shaking.
“I’ll take you back upstairs,” he offers. “Our room is more private.”
I nod, appreciating the thought.
Elias lifts me in a bridal carry, and I allow my head to fall against his shoulder. Caelan picks up my discarded mask and follows us to the elevator.
I don’t want to leave Elias’ arms. I’ve tired myself out with the emotional outburst, and I’m much more ready to allow myself to be comforted now, as much as I can be. It still feels bittersweet, like it can only be temporary, but it’s nice to just be held.
“Do you want to change into something more comfortable?” Elias asks, setting me down on my feet as we enter the room.
I suppose that’s a good idea. It feels like more effort than it should be, but the ballgown is unwieldy and feels somehow fake now. Like I’m trying to dress up and play pretend, be something I’m not.
I change into my pajamas, wiping off the rest of my makeup in the bathroom. It was wrecked anyway.
When I return, Caelan has lost his jacket and tie, his shirtsleeves rolled up, and top buttons are undone. A shame I’m not in the best frame of mind to appreciate the sight.
He and Elias are sitting on the room’s couch, waiting for me. I hesitate, shy around them again for the first time, and there’s something almost pained in Caelan’s expression to see me pull back.
“Come here,” Elias commands—low, sympathetic, but a command, nonetheless.
