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It’s her. The little hippy who makes me smile just by rambling to herself while I listen outside the dumpster without her knowing it. The woman who fit so perfectly snug against me when I held her in my lap while I checked out her hand after she caught a fucking cactus and refused to let it go. The one who looked at me like I was a goddamn superhero before and after I fixed her up. And most memorably, she’s the one who stirred up all those forgotten desires I had of ever one day collaring and owning a submissive who completes me. The other half of my soul. My perfect match.
No, not a match. I don’t want someone who is the same as me. I want the other gear that goes with mine to complete our set, the one whose teeth fit just right between mine so that when one of us starts to move, the other does in perfect synchrony. Working together—not two of a kind, and not opposite either. Because while the age-old adage of “opposites attract” might be exciting in the beginning, later on down the road, once that initial exhilaration wears off, you’ll want to have at least some of the same interests as your partner. Either that or you won't have anything in common, nothing that you both enjoy doing together. Then what’s the point of the relationship at all?
“Let’s think this through. Let’s think this through,” I murmur, trying to get my thoughts in order. “If I click the heart, it will immediately tell me if we matched up, if she is the one who hearted my profile. She won’t know anything about me, not even my name. She won’t know I’m a doctor. I’ll just be some random guy on a dating app for kinksters. There’s no way she can possibly know that I’m also a member of Club Alias.” I take a deep breath and let it out slow, nodding as that train of thought makes me feel more secure about giving in to my urge to link up with her.
And then what?
“And then,” I answer the internal question, “since she’ll know what I look like, if we keep talking, I’ll eventually have to tell her who I am. My name, my occupation. She still won’t know I’m the employee who got her out of the dumpster, so she never has to find out I know who she is. I’ll still be able to stay incognito there, and she also still won’t know I’m a Club Alias member. She’ll be meeting Dr. Felix Travers, and that’s it. If things go south, the worst she could do is tell someone I was on a dating app. In fact….”
I quickly go into my settings and edit my profile so that my desires section only says singles and friendship. So again, as long as she didn’t screenshot it before she clicked the heart button, there’s no proof that I knew this app was specifically for kinksters.
I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would think I’m being entirely too paranoid and cautious. They’d think keeping parts of me hidden is being dishonest. But if they went through what I did the one and only time I let a woman into all parts of my life, let her get to know the real me, every side, not just one or the other, then they’d be the same fucking way. Someone doesn’t finally put all their trust into one person, have it completely demolished, and come out of it unscathed. And maybe it’s unfair to let that shadow be cast over everyone who has and ever will come after her, but I look at it the way I would anything else—a lesson learned from experience.
If I touch a burner on a stove to see if it’s hot and it singes my fingers, I wouldn’t go back and touch the burner without being more cautious the next time, would I?
No. I might hover my fingers over it, get close enough to feel if there’s heat radiating off it first. If there’s no danger sensed, I might get a little closer, even tap the coil quickly before snatching them back, allowing the results of that test the time to register in my head. Then and only then, when I know it’s safe—truly safe—would I relax enough to really give it a good, long feel with my whole hand.
With all the precautions I can think of lined out, I finally give in to the desire I know I was helpless against the moment I did a double take and saw that smile glowing from my screen.
My heart thudding in my chest, I hold my breath and click the heart button, my stomach bottoming out as if I’m on a roller coaster as the notification window pops up on the screen.
