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“Good stalking, bad stalking, or Christmas stocking?”
“What the hell is good stalking? And what does Christmas have to do with anything?”
“Well, presents are fun to unwrap. Like Azalea probably thinks you are. Now that we know for sure you have nipples, you’re no longer hairy enough or scary enough to ward her away.”
I shake my head in disgust. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And for your information, she said she’s okay with body hair.”
“Then she’s the perfect woman for you! A match made in heaven. Or, more literally, the cradle. Either way, Granny is hoping you’ll go after Azalea. She’d like to be a great-grandma one day.”
“Bring kids into this?”
“The world is a scary, shitty place no matter how you look at it. If by this you mean the best family that we ever chose with four great brothers to support you, some questionable goons, and one hellfire of a spitfire of a Granny, all of whom would always protect and love you, Azalea, and any and all kids like we ourselves were protected and loved, then yes. I think it’s worth a shot.”
“She could say no.” Wait. Did I just say something that would lead Ransom to believe that I’m actually considering finding Azalea—Granny does know where she is—and getting her back? Am I actually considering it? “There’s always her parents to think about.” That sounds feeble, and I know it.
“Who would say no to an organization this awesome?” Ransom scoffs. “I might add, if you want a charming wingman—” He smiles in an incredibly frightening way, lifts a leg, and dangles it with one foot in the air and one knee angled in with both hands on said knee. “I’m it.”
I shudder again. “That’s the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. You trying to be charming and sweet. Shudder times a thousand.”
He unfolds himself back into a regular position, which makes the bed scream out in agony. The thing is wood. No metal or springs, so that’s even more horrifying. “Are you going after her then?”
I throw my hands up in the air. “I guess I have to, or I won’t hear the end of it until I either profess my undying affection or take a second knee to the scrotum, will I?”
“If she could just knee your scrotum, that would be tremendously impressive.”
“You know what I mean. I mean that one day, I promise I will kill you. Or even better, one day, the roles will be reversed, and you’ll fall head over arse.”
“Haha. No. Just no.”
“I’m waiting for it.” I do the I-see-you thing using two fingers to draw a line from my eyeballs to Ransom.
“There are things you could do to protect her. You could get a day job the way we all have. Hiding from the world isn’t always the answer. It’s actually a good cover. Plus, that sacking she gave you indicated she already has a good handle on self-defense, so you probably wouldn’t have to brush up on that too much. You are right for her. You do care. And you are more than worthy. I think you’ve been doing anything but living, and it’s time. Take that leap or plunger…or no. I think it’s just the plunge. Whatever. Just go after her like a knight in shining armor.”
“Actually, it’s a knight in shining black.” I know he won’t get the reference, but I say it anyway because it makes me feel happy to do so. To use an inside joke.
“Right. But listen to me when I say you need to get over yourself and believe me because I’m your brother, and I know you. If you can’t take my word for it, then trust what you feel. That feeling is worth more than any doubts, and it’s stronger than anything from our past. It’s a gift, so go out there and Christmas morning the shit out of it. Fake it until you make it. Try and believe and try and be worthy, and you will be. Manifest that shit. Put the roots down and watch your plants grow.”
“How many self-help books have you been reading lately?”
“Just a couple.” Ransom winks, and I don’t know how to take that. “The point is, just go and freaking get her already.”
I give up. I’m giving in. I can’t stand against Ransom, not when I know he has Granny and likely all my brothers backing him too. “I see that I don’t have any other choice.”
“Damn right, you don’t. I knew you’d see reason, so I already took the liberty of rebooking your flight. The Maldives are nice. I’m jealous. Oh, and before you land, try and come up with something romantic. If you’re really worried, invest in a can.”
Maldives. Azalea is in the Maldives. “What kind of can?”
Ransom points slowly down at his groin.
