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“I was going to say you could start by charming her with pizza, but not like that,” Granny says. She sniffs the air. “You got anything normal in that stack?”
“There’s a pepperoni with mushroom and spinach, a cheese with extra pineapple, a meat lovers with extra bacon, extra cheese, and extra meat, a buffalo chicken with broccoli, mushrooms, and alfredo sauce, and one taco with extra sour cream and lettuce,” Binksky rattles off. He’s basically a human hard drive. I’d say encyclopedia, but I’m not sure people know what those are anymore.
“Don’t you boys eat anything normal? Whatever happened to just cheese or pepperoni or something normal like ham and pineapple?”
Deano grunts. “No can do. Which one should I get for the little lady?”
“I think you’d have more success with chocolate or wine. You got any of that?”
I shrug. “Uh, that would be a hard no. I can pour her a scotch or a brandy or make her a protein shake.”
“A protein shake?” Granny screeches. “Good lord, boy, you think the way to a woman’s heart is through a protein shake? Tell you what. You whip me up a plate with a piece of each of those abominations of a pizza, and I’ll see what magic I can work.” Granny waves a finger in my face. “And later, we’re having a lesson on charm.” The guys hoot until she turns and wags her fingers at each of them. That silences them really fast. “You’re all getting lessons on charm! Every last one of you. I can’t believe it. Acting like thugs, drugging a lady, and kidnapping her. Good lord! Now it’s up to old granny to undo all the damage you’ve done.”
There’s a hearty round of apologies that goes through the kitchen. We all feel quite ashamed of ourselves. I thought our plan was a good one. Masterful. I thought Azalea would be swayed by the promise of big bucks easily earned. I thought she’d see reason, and it would be easy. A quick conversation, a trip to the JP to get hitched, then to the lawyer’s, where we’d each be far richer and dunzo with each other, moving on with our lives.
I watch Granny disappear off down to the basement with the plate Deano just whipped up for her, and I realize she’s right. I have zero charm. Zero lady skills. Apparently, I also have zero manners.
“Well, I was hungry, but after that beat down, I’m not sure I could eat a thing.” I do feel vaguely nauseated, but that could also have to do with the fact that my fiancé was sitting in my basement right now. Unwillingly. And that word. Fiancé. It’s so intimidating. So final. So real. Even if the marriage is a sham, I don’t like it. We locked the door at the top of the stairs so she couldn’t escape, and there was nowhere to go down there. We didn’t have to tie her to the chair, at least.
“Not me,” Deano says smoothly as he loads his plate with various slices of pizza. “I’m starving.”
“My feet still hurt,” Johnny finally says. He’s been rather quiet this whole time. I think he’s scared of Granny. I don’t blame him since she could kick his ass, all six foot six of him. He snatches up an entire box of taco pizza and heads to the table.
“I’m good.” Binksky slaps me on the back as he walks by with a loaded plate. “Everything will be fine. Your granny will straighten it all out. Although, you had better eat up. Looks like you’re going to need your strength to deal with that one. My bets are that she turns into a real firecracker when she gets going. The librarian, I mean. Not your granny.”
Good god. Could this get any worse? I just hope Granny can work her magic. If it’s up to me, I can now see that I’m going to have to kiss that couple billion goodbye, and it will stay sitting and rotting in the trust where it’s been sitting and rotting for the past fourteen years.
No, I’m not kissing anything goodbye. I need to get my shit together. Failing is not an option. There’s a lot of good we can do with that money—a lot of bad we can stop. I’m not going to let one librarian with thick sandy hair, piercing blue eyes, a smoking hot body, and a sassy mouth stand in my way. She wants charm? I’ll bloody dial it up, no matter how bad it is. I’ll endure it. I’ll be sweet, considerate, and the perfect sham husband. Granny says I can’t do charm? Well, I’ll do charm.
I’ll do charm in bloody spades and then some.
CHAPTER 4
Azalea
Instead of searching for a way out—I already know there is none, and honestly, it seems futile to waste what little energy I have left trying to figure out how to tunnel my way through concrete, which I’m sure is the actual and only escape route from the basement—I close my eyes. I close them tight, hoping I’ll wake up. Hoping to erase the pounding in my head and the thick fog clogging up my gray matter. Slowly, I move my finger along my arm. Slowly. So slowly. I’m scared to do it. I’m scared that all this might actually be real.
