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There was such anguish in his voice, the sadness I’d seen in his eyes making complete sense. I moved further in, daring to touch the lampshade on the nightstand, the characters of racecars almost breaking my heart. “What’s his name?”
“Justin. He’s the sweetest little boy when he’s not raging at everything around him.”
“Why does he rage?” I felt guilty for even asking a single question. This wasn’t my place. I couldn’t provide any help or advice. My God. I was nothing but a damn spoiled brat complaining that I’d only get five hundred thousand dollars, money I’d never wanted.
He sighed and walked further into the room. “His mother was a drug addict. She was hooked on heroin when he was born so from what little I was able to find out, he was born premature and forced to stay in NICU for five months. He’s borderline autistic, although the great doctors are hopeful he’ll grow out of it. I don’t have the skills to help him do that. Not with my schedule and the anger I have inside of me.”
Everything Phoenix said broke my heart. I turned slowly, walking closer, fearful of touching him or being able to find the right words. “I’m so sorry. I overreacted, which is a terrible trait of mine.”
“Yeah, you’re right. But I wasn’t honest with you.” He moved toward the bed, easing down and I could feel the weight of the world crowding around him.
“You weren’t required to tell me about your family.”
“Maybe I was afraid you’d realize what a horrible man I was. I am.” He exhaled slowly and glanced around the room. “At least I can provide a decent home and all the therapy he needs.”
“He just needs his father.”
“Like I know what I’m doing. My Pops certainly didn’t set a good example.”
I sat down beside him, shifting to the side and placing my hand on his heart. “It’s what you have inside here that counts. Justin knows what’s in your heart. He can see the love in your eyes.”
“Yeah, you don’t know me very well, little bird. I ain’t got much in there.”
Whatever happened to him in his past was eating him alive. And I was interfering with his life. “Does he talk to his mom? Is she in therapy?”
Inhaling, his mouth twisted, and I could tell it was a question I shouldn’t have asked. “She dropped him on my doorstep a week after I got back to town. She had a single bag of dirty clothes for him, a damn stuffed animal and nothing more. She told me I could have him and walked away. She just walked away. Fuck. She was strung out as hell. I tried to get her to stop so I could figure out a way to finally help her, but she vanished just like I’d done to her a long time ago. She never told me she was pregnant, but I wasn’t the kind of guy who would have wanted to know, and I think she realized that.”
“You were young.”
He laughed. “No, I wasn’t. I was just a hothead. Dahlia did her best, but the demons took everything away from her including her life. She overdosed a couple months ago. Justin doesn’t know. I just can’t figure out how to tell him. He can’t handle rejection or loss. That’s why I didn’t tell you about him.”
The ache in my heart was tremendous, but I had to find a way to soothe him. “You’ll know when the time is right for both of you to mention his mother. Don’t let him forget about her. Try and paint her in a light where he can have good memories.”
“You’re pretty smart for a girl,” he teased.
“Ha ha. Maybe you should think about another career?” I half expected him to snarl and toss me out of the house, but he nodded several times.
“I’ve thought of it often and I wish I could explain why I need to fight fires.”
“The beast is the manifestation of your very personal need.”
He rubbed his knuckles across my cheek, forcing a shudder down my spine. “True. It’s easier to deal with if you have something tangible to fight instead of demons who surface when you least want them to. As I said, it’s tough to try and explain.”
“Why don’t you try?”
His expression changed, his face becoming pensive. “A lot of shit has happened in my life, Wren. I ain’t going to bore you with the tragic details, but the only thing that allows me to fight the demons so they don’t win is fighting fires. I’m good at it. I’ve saved a few lives over the years, but it’s still not enough. I tried being something else. Hell, I was an EMT for a couple of years after moving away but something kept drawing me back. When I was offered a position on the Zullies team, I jumped at it. It wasn’t a month after I’d passed all the damn tests when Justin came into my life. I thought I could juggle but I’m not doing any good for anyone.”
We sat quietly for a few minutes and my heart remained in my throat.
“Maybe I could meet him someday. I mean I know that’s presumptuous and I’m not mother material, but I really would love to meet him. If you don’t think that’s wise, I’ll understand completely, but I’d love to get to tell him how great his daddy is. Protective. Grumpy but kind. A great man and a hero.”
“I ain’t no hero, Wren. No one should ever call me that.” He bristled then took another deep breath.
“You served this country. Right? A Marine?”
“Yeah. I fought like I do everything else. With a vengeance. But so did a lot of men and women. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I’m not a two-timing son of a bitch. You can call me anything you want, but never that. It’s one woman or nothing and at this point in time, I’m not good for anyone.”
“Neither am I. I’m selfish, bratty, opinionated, and worth nothing in the grand scheme of things. I guess we’re just two broken souls that should be tossed out.” I was trying to bring some levity to the conversation, but I could tell I’d misstepped again. What bothered me was how much I cared about the man. I didn’t really know him, but he was the first person in my life who’d allowed me to feel like me and enjoy it. But maybe he was right in that this wasn’t the best decision. “Why don’t you take me back to my car? Then you can pick up Justin. He needs you and I understand.”
