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No. I was a coward for staying silent, maybe yeah. But I couldn’t look into my girl’s face and admit the things I remembered. How could she ever see me as a man after all of that? How could she look at me and not feel the pity I fucking dreaded?
So it was better that she thought I was caught in the same mental minefield as the other slaves. It was better that she kept her distance and assumed I was fragile.
Because if she figured out how hard I’d grown to survive, there was no way she’d still love me.
Most of the other slaves had fallen back asleep, and the room was quiet. But there was a silent movement near the door, filmy and gray. I’d seen the mist often enough to know what it was. Nic had even visited me before, but I’d always kept quiet for him, too. I’d failed him as much as Kana, having the audacity to go on living when he couldn’t.
I could have killed myself a thousand times - should have. But I’d always been a coward with death, and Nic knew it better than most.
“Nic?” I said, my voice croaking like a bullfrog in the dark room. Lord knows I hadn’t had much use for it. Who would I have talked to, even if I had anything to say? I’d long since given up screaming for help. Sinking into silence had turned out to be the better option.
Some days, even my thoughts were able to pick up the trick.
Old friend, Nicolas said, his voice gliding into my mind like he’d once blown into my life. Soft smiles and sweet words, dreams and stories of a life I never really thought I would share. And in the end, I hadn’t. I was born a human and cut down too soon, turned into a vampire, and ruined as a blood slave just as it was getting good.
Still feeling sorry for yourself?Nic asked, drifting closer. I snorted, and it turned into a raspy cough.
Just wondering what use the gods have for me now, I answered, reverting back to mind speak. I didn’t trust my voice, and it was nice to practice any kind of magic again. Bitch queen’s magic had blocked it for so long.
Only Goddesses use men in Haret, Acadian. And our aima was invited by Iaga herself to share the magic. She carries the power of Khione now.
My eyes widened. As if I didn’t already have a fucking inferiority complex, now Kana had Goddess magic? I shookmy head, wincing at the sloshing ache that lived permanently between my temples.
What place do I have here, Nic? Kana has a pure blood vampire now. Hell, she even has a fae, which she swore she’d never do. There’s no room for me in that mess.
Nic sighed, the mist billowing out around him. I felt eyes on us from one of the other beds, but I didn’t care. Nic leaned in closer, staring down at me with hollow eyes.
She loves you so much, Cade. She never stopped loving you. All those years, even when she thought you were dead.
And there it was. He’d just pointed out the very thing I was most afraid of.
I don’t want her to love me out of regret or pity, I snapped at him through our connection.
I wasn’t a man to Kana anymore.
I was just a guilt trip into the past.
And the baggage for those was always too damn heavy to carry in the end.
She’ll never stop loving you, Acadian, Nic pressed.
We barely know each other anymore, professor. I slid in his old nickname just to get the reaction, but it fell flat.
I closed my tired eyes against the mist and the faded form of my old friend, tuning out any more mind speak he might try. Everything felt two-dimensional and tragic now, and I hated how weak I was on every level, hard but brittle enough to break at the slightest pressure.
KANA
“Where am I?” Rush murmured, and I startled, realizing I’d zoned out waiting for him to wake up.
“We’re in the gardens. You had another prophecy and passed out.” I wiggled my feet, trying to get the blood flowing to my limbs again after sitting on the cold ground for so long.
“Kana? Sorry - I came as fast as I could get away,” Kas called, jogging toward us with a worried expression. They must have been swamped for it to take him so much time. I’d almost forgotten I’d called for him. I smiled weakly up at him, relieved that at least I would only have to tell the story once. Rush struggled to sit up, and Kas knelt to offer me a hand.
“Still good timing, thief. Rush received another prophecy. And the mist came back. And... and my grandmother was with it. In the mist,” I finished lamely, trying to keep my voice from shaking. The two men exchanged heavy glances as they processed the meaning there.
“I’m so sorry, love,” Rush said, sounding so genuine I nearly began to cry. I couldn’t tell them what she’d said. Not yet. They’d waste too much time trying to find a way around the impossible decisions I’d agreed to make.
“She’s as fierce as ever,” I said instead, hoping the words would cheer me up as well. “She’ll probably be giving all the ancestors advice by now. But the prophecy. That’s what needs our attention.”
