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“It’s not about that. It doesn’t matter. He’s my—We’re—Fuck. It’s not that simple, and as my friend, I don’t want you stepping in like that. I mean it. Rhyan, don’t do that ever again.”
“Don’t what?” he asked, voice dangerously low. “Defend you? Call your boyfriend out for being a sack of gryphon shit? Lyr, he’s hurting you, he’s putting you in danger. What am I supposed to do?”
“Nothing!” I shouted. “Nothing! Because he’s not doing what you think he’s doing!” It was the same fight we kept having, the one he was so convinced he was right about that he wouldn’t let go. My heart hammered as I said, “I know you’re trying to protect me, but you’re overstepping here as my guard!”
“I’m not being your Godsdamned guard. I’m being your friend.”
“My friend? Really? Partner?”
“What else would I be?” he asked. His chest rose and fell, his eyes blazing.
I didn’t know if he was thinking of our almost-kiss but pushed the thought away. “Then as my friend, you’re not protecting or helping me. What you just did back here, you made it worse. Did you ever consider that I’ve known Tristan my entire life, and I care for him deeply, and he cares for me? Did it ever cross your mind that he actually loves me, and he’s doing what he thinks is best?”
“If that was true, then why are you hiding your injuries from him? Why are you pretending you didn’t have a limp? You looked like…like…Gods, Lyr, do you think I haven’t seen this before?” His voice caught, his eyes reddening. “Do you know how many times I watched my mother pass off a new injury as an accident—pretend her cheeks weren’t bruised, that they’d been painted that way for fashion? The amount of times she styled her hair to hide a wound or bruise or just fucking covered it up with jewelry?”
I flinched.
“Every single time she was hurt, it was him. And I knew it. We all knew it, and we couldn’t say a Godsdamned thing. And now you’re doing all the same things as her,” he said. “And I can’t—I can’t just be a bystander. Not when I can see so clearly. Not when it’s you. I can’t go through this again.”
My chest heaved, my breathing fast and uneven. “Rhyan, I’m sorry. I know how this looks, but I swear to you, it’s not what you think. And I can’t show my injuries in front of Tristan because….” I trailed off, biting my lip to stop from crying out. My scars were on fire.
“Because why?” He slammed a fist into his hand. “Tell me one good reason.”
My mind blanked. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t explain the real reason. Quickly, I had my excuse. “His parents were murdered when he was three,” I said. “He watched the whole thing. A mage with visions tore them apart. He can’t stand the sight of blood because of that.”
Rhyan blinked. “Gods,” he said. “That’s…That’s horrific.” He stared at his feet, silent until he looked back up at me. “I understand if he can’t stand the sight, but why can’t he know you’re injured to start with?”
I balked, having no more excuses, no more ideas to throw him off course, to make him drop the subject.
Rhyan watched me carefully, his eyes studious. He stepped forward, something dark and cold in his aura sweeping through the room. “I could make you tell me, you know. You’re my novice, and I’m your apprentice. I am within every right to do so. Because when you’re in this room, I outrank you. And because you already know the price you’ll pay if you don’t comply with the chain of command.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as if I’d caused him physical pain. His aura pulled back, and the room instantly warmed several degrees. “Fuck.” He practically exhaled the word. “No, I wouldn’t,” he said, his voice softening. He opened his eyes again, hand dropping helplessly to his side. “I’m sorry. Fuck. I’ll drop it. I swear. I just…. From a very practical, logical point of view, taking all emotion out, with what you need to do to prepare for the Emperor’s test, you cannot be hurt on top of all the training you’re doing—the training you’re about to add on.”
“I know. And I’m not,” I said desperately. “I just need to watch where I’m going and get some more sleep. Simple solution. I’ll do that, I’ll do my part, I promise. I’ll do what I need to do, and then you can just do the training part.”
He huffed. “Great. And then you’ll let me know when it’s okay again for me to do the caring part?”
“Rhyan.”
“Because I do. I care. And I can’t just turn it off. Much as I wish I could. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I know something is. And I know it doesn’t feel simple, but sometimes it is when we pull back all the chains and shit that come with our status. You think I didn’t see this play out before? That I didn’t have a dozen noblewomen at home all vying for my attention, purely for political gain? That I don’t see the layers of your union with Lord Grey?”
I stepped back, my belly tightening with a sickening feeling. With jealousy, I realized. Jealousy at these nameless noblewomen who at one point in time had close proximity to Rhyan. I couldn’t bear the thought of him in someone else’s arms, yet I had no right to feel jealous. He wasn’t mine. He could never be mine. I was with Tristan. I had to be with Tristan. Rhyan was my bodyguard, and he and I were part of a kashonim—making a romantic relationship forbidden.
I folded my arms across my chest, willing the feelings to vanish.
“If he’s not proposing to you,” Rhyan said, sounding pained, “and not offering you political protection, providing you with backing from an additional Ka, if he’s not making a case to the Imperator on your behalf, what is he doing? Why else would you, of all people, you, who are kind and brilliant and—” He cursed under his breath. “Why would you be with someone like him?”
“Stop it,” I said. “I don’t have a choice. He’s not as bad as you think he is. And knowing what I’m up against—knowing what I stand to lose—I had to give myself my best chance possible. And that’s him. That’s always been him.”
Rhyan flinched, his good eyebrow narrowing, his mouth tight. “Lyr, that can’t be it. Especially now when he’s not fulfilling a single need.”
“I’m done discussing this with you. You haven’t earned the right to question me,” I said. “My relationship is not your concern.”
“It is if it interferes with your training. And that is my concern.” The muscles in Rhyan’s arms flexed in irritation. The light from the window was shifting from gold to red, giving his hair a bright bronzed hue. There wasn’t much day left. The sun was already setting.
“Are we done here?” I asked, ready to walk out the door with permission from the chain of command or not. I wanted to be out of this room, away from Rhyan, away from everyone so I could forget this day had ever happened.
