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“But I don’t want anything.”
Mother slaps me hard, right across the face, and I’m stunned. She almost never hits me. Now I know we’re leaving soon. She getsedgy.
“Remember. We want everything. All of it,” Mother growls at me before leaving my bedroom.
•••
I’M AT BRENDAN’Sfriend’s house. I think his name is Matt. There are a few Matts here. The party bus waits for us in the driveway, lights flashing, music playing. We take group photos in the backyard. The boys. The girls. The couples. I have the best dress, but I knew I would. The girls don’t really talk to me and I don’t care. Brendan tells me they’re a little annoyed he’s bringing an eighth grader to their dance. Whatever.
“You’re an interloper,” he jokes.
“Something like that,” I say in return. I know what he wants to hear. But I didn’t know I needed to bring a boutonniere. He presents me with a corsage that matches my dress. Two small blush roses and one big hot-pink one. I feel dumb because the other girls’ mothers must have told them about boutonnieres for their first dances. Now they all knew what to do every time. I didn’t know I was supposed to order one at Jewel-Osco a week beforehand. I would have done it. I want to do the right thing here.
“Doesn’t matter,” Brendan reassures me, and I’m relieved. “I’ve got the best girl on my arm.”
He’s saying all the right things.
He knows what I want to hear, too.
Brendan’s parents are nice enough. They look normal. Joyce and Steve. “Mackenzie, you look absolutely radiant,” Brendan’s dad says to me. He doesn’t say anything like that to any of the other girls and I notice.
I’m sure Joyce notices, too.
We all have a few beers in the party bus, courtesy of someone’s “cool” parent, I don’t know which one. Maybe one of the Matts. I already know what beer tastes like and that I do not like it, but I nurse my Coors Light anyway to keep up appearances for the journey downtown. Brendan keeps an arm around me the whole time. We’re off to the Adler Planetarium.
I decide to bask in the attention I get all night. Might as well. The girls talk about me behind my back. The boys do, too, but in the good way. Brendan loves it. He never leaves my side. We pose for a photo with a starry backdrop, his pelvis poking into my back, arms wrapped around my front. We laugh. We eat Chicken Vesuvio and potatoes and a vegetable medley with his friends and their dates. Silver balloon centerpieces are on the tables. The DJ plays Frank Sinatra songs while we dine, and we all feel older than we are in a fun way. Brendan gives me quick pecks on the cheek all night. Longer kisses on my neck, on my lips, on the dance floor. We move to every song. Rihanna. Maroon 5. Kanye West. We’re hungry for each other. We can’t help it.
The party bus takes us back to Matt’s house and Brendan says he’ll drive me home. He drives an Audi that his father bought for him. He asks if I want to stop by his house first and I say yes because that’s what I’m supposed to say and also because I really want to. Brendan leads me into the finished basement. There’s a wet bar, a pool table, an entertainment center with a projector. The sofas are cream. Italian leather. It’s nice. His parents don’t come downstairs at all but they must know where we are. Brendan puts on more Maroon 5 with a remote because he’s trying to set a mood. He unzips my dress and I can’t believe this is happening.
“Pool table?” he asks me. I know what he’s really asking me. I say something about a Tiffany bracelet, since every girl at school has one.The silver bangle with the heart charm. Mother says I’m supposed to want everything. It’s the only thing I can think of. He says that when I’m his girlfriend, I can have anything I want. I believe him.
I love the idea of having a real boyfriend.
I love the idea of Brendan.
He might end up being a summer romance that breaks my heart, but it would be worth it to feel what all the other girls feel.
Or maybe I’ll break his heart first.
His chest is smooth and small above me, back and forth, back and forth. I look at his sternum pretty much the whole time. He looks at the wall behind me, grunting softly. I don’t make any noise because I don’t want his parents to hear me, but I breathe softly on his body because I know he’ll like it.
It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.
It doesn’t feel as exciting as I thought it would either.
It’s over very fast.
Brendan asks if I want more to drink and when I decline, he says he’ll drive me home and I know I’ve said the wrong thing. Now we’re in his car, holding hands, heading to Mike’s house. He kisses me good night, long and slow, and he waits for me to get to the front door.
Then he drives away.
•••
THERE ARE ONLYa few days left of the school year. The whispers around the halls are constant and everyone thinks they’re so slick as if I don’t hear what they’re saying about me, but I know that they all know. Brendan doesn’t call me anymore, and when Mother asks me about him, she pretends like she doesn’t already know what happened.
She just wants to see my face when she brings him up.
“Not anymore, but I’m fine with it,” I say to her, but I’m not fine with it at all. “I didn’t really want him to be my boyfriend.” I’m lying.
