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•••
I DON’T TRYto make friends at school. They wouldn’t understand. They’re still kids and I’m an adult. I feel like one, anyway. Besides, my classmates are wretched. Uniforms accessorized with designer bags. I have the uniform. I have the bags. But who is my family? Where do they come from? New money or old money? I’ll have all the wrong answers to the questions they’ll have so I make sure I’m never asked them at all, staying far away.
When I have time to myself, I watch television shows about normal teenagers. Girls from the wrong side of the tracks breaking the hearts of boys, with their hearts of gold, flip-flopping love stories with each passing season, blonde by brunette, in small oceanside towns where everyone is more than a little bit pretty, regular kids with summer jobs at seafood shanties delivering soliloquies to one anotherabout the injustice of their adolescence, yearning to be adults already so their lives can really begin.
I’m jealous.
•••
FRANCIS WATCHES HISfriend Diamond go too far at a party. I slap him on the hand. Francis immediately apologizes. Tohim. To Diamond. Then Francis grabs me by the wrist, snatching me out of the party. Mother watches but doesn’t follow us. She stays still and stoic and calm. She looks disappointed in me.
“You’re not a kid anymore, Fleur!” Francis barks at me in the hallway, just the two of us, alone. “What did you think was going to happen here? We let you take your time, you’ve had plenty of it, and if you want to stay here—if you and your mother want to stay here—you have to grow up. Okay? If she won’t tell you that, I will, because I actually care about you.”
My body feels like ice, but I cannot crack in front of him.
Or anyone.
•••
I TELL MOTHERwhat happened with Francis later and she laughs at me. She shrugs and shakes her head. She knows this will get a rise out of me.
“But you knew that, didn’t you? You’re not an idiot.”
“I thought I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do!”
“Sure. But then you won’t get very far, will you?”
“I thought I didn’t have to be like those other girls.”
“Bunny. Weallhave to be like those other girls. We just have to do it better.”
I don’t say anything in response. Do what?
“I don’t want to leave yet,” Mother adds. “Why don’t you think about me instead of yourself for once. Isn’t it my turn?”
Mother leaves me alone and I sit with that.
How could she say that when I’m always thinking of her?
But she never thought about me when I didn’t want to leave all those times. Richard or Dean or Mike. Did she ever think about me at all or what I wanted? I always think about what she wants. What is she even talking about?Herturn? It wasmyturn, wasn’t it? She could stay here with Francis, but I didn’t have to. Maybe it would be good for us to figure it all out apart for a while. I don’t know life without her, but I’m intrigued.
Sometimes the only team I want to be on is my own. At least I know who I can trust.
It’s not like she would come find me.
I don’t think so.
But I’ve never tried to leave her before.
•••
I HAVE $1,000in cash in my hand from Francis after I ask him for it. After he bargains for it; I do what I have to do. Be like those other girls, but better. I am better. I think he knows I’m leaving. I think he’s amused. I want to keep amusing him because I might need him later. I’ve been here for years now and I don’t want him to be mad at me. What if I need his help one day? Especially without her.
I’ll leave town. For a month, maybe a little more, maybe a little less. I take a train upstate. Everything gets smaller. I can do this, I tell myself. I can do this. I check into a small inn. Like something I’ve seen on TV. Like a regular girl. I pay in cash. I brainstorm in my notebook about what to do next, where I could go, what I can be. In the morning I applyto jobs in town. Like a regular girl, getting a regular job. Jobs that pay cash. Ineedmore cash. I don’t have identification. I’ll figure that out when I go back. Francis will help me. Someone will help me. Look at me. I’m a star. Someone will always help a girl like me.
I’ll fall asleep tonight dreaming about the future that will finally be mine.
•••
