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I would not be so lucky.
I was pregnant.
How? It had happened so fast. So soon. Completely unplanned. I was firmly on birth control. I never missed a dose.
And yet, there I was...
The strangest feeling.
It’s not like I grew up playing with baby dolls or babysitting the neighborhood children. I imagined what a normal mother might be like, but I knew I didn’t have one. How could I become one? I was rarely around children at all as an adult and when I was, I avoided interaction as best I could. We didn’t have anything in common. What would we even talk about?
I knew it was unsavory to resent children, but I did just the same. Privately, of course. Any child I came across with Collin, or the rest of them, had it made. Must be nice. Must be really, really nice. To have a childhood at all.
But I also knew I couldn’t resent my own child.
Because I wasn’t like Mother.
•••
I WENT BACKto my desk to finish out the day, hoping to think about literally anything else, but of course the baby was all I could think about. I coulddothis, right? It’s all focus. Just had to focus. I was excellent at being focused. What kind of mother would I be? A good one. It wasn’t hard, was it?
Oh, please. Of course it’s hard. It’s all any mother talks about when in the company of other women. The hardest job in the world. No, thank you. Life was hard enough. And what if I ended up like my mother after all? Did having children make Mother who she was? I had no earthly idea what she was like before children. Do children make some women snap in some way? Would I snap like her? What wouldshehave to say about all of this? What did I have to say about all this?
Could I even love a baby?
In theory, of course. When asked, always. But would Ireally?
I didn’t know.
I tried to look on the bright side. A child would only increase my value within the Case family, per my prenuptial agreement. More security was never a bad thing. Having a baby was a sound choice, a solid progression even further into the family, and on that note, even more of a reason for Collin to never leave me. Now I wouldn’t only be his wife, I’d be the mother of his child. That was forever.
•••
STRANGELY, THE FIRSTperson I wanted to tell was Syl, but we were obviously on the outs since our last tête-à-tête. No scandalous story ever did come to pass. She quit Collin’s office rather unceremoniously. When he asked me what I knew about it, I said we had kindof lost touch after the wedding. Drifted apart. Happens all the time. He didn’t hear any alarm bells. Oftentimes, less is more when lying.
•••
COLLIN JOLTED UPfrom the sofa when I casually dropped the news that day. We’d just finished dinner and were figuring out what to watch on TV, a whole production of at least twenty to thirty minutes before actually making the decision. A pregnancy announcement certainly mixed things up. He’d had no idea what was coming, and I admit that I enjoyed the element of surprise. The feeling of being in control, about to drop a real bomb, unbeknownst to others. Further, I knew Collin would be a good dad, able to pick up the emotional slack where I might not be able to so our child would have a shot in hell at feeling normal, like they had normal parents.
“Wait, are you serious?” Collin had a face like it was Christmas morning. How could our reactions be so opposite? Another reminder that I wasn’t the normal one in the relationship. Too much like her at the core. I felt ashamed again.
“I am.” I nodded at him happily because that’s what Bea Case would do. He scooped me up from the couch like I was a baby myself, twirled me around and planted a huge kiss on me. “I know we weren’t actively trying, but it happened. We haven’t even talked about children. I take it you’re interested?”
“Interested?!” Collin laughed, believing my blasé commentary was merely lighthearted jest. “I’m thrilled! You’re going to be the most amazing mother.” Collin said it with such confidence that I wanted to believe him, but how could he know? “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I said automatically, as I always did.
“Do we have to go to the doctor, or how does this all get going? Wehave to call my parents. Oh my God, Bea. I’m so excited. Are you so excited?”
“So excited.” I mustered up a smile, poking him playfully to put me down. I was looking forward to sharing with the family and the whole coterie of clowns, including Gale Wallace-Leicester. Surely a pregnancy would throw a wrench into any of her as-yet-unseen retaliation efforts. A baby really firmed up my stake in this new world. The mother of a Case child? Talk about untouchable.
Maybe this would get Gale to give up.
But it could also get her to try even harder...
No. Shake it off, Bea.
With a baby, you’ll be golden.
