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33
LUCINDA
I wait for Nix to leave before I move. His breathing gets quiet and then the sound of the terrace doors tells me that he’s gone. As quickly as I can, I stand and run to the bathroom and douse my eyes under the tap. My whole face feels contaminated, disgusting. Like it doesn’t belong to me. My own tears mix with the semen, adding to the salty taste. I know what he did to me. I hoped that if I ignored it and pretended it didn’t happen, he’d leave me alone. I was wrong. I reach for Dacre’s mother's floral soap dispenser and press down so the scent fills the air, masking the smell of Nix. It’s not a particularly pleasant smell. It smells like the rest of this house. Flowery with an undercurrent of bleach, but as I wash Nix off my face, it takes away some of the horror I feel. I stay in the bathroom, leaving the water running in case he happens to be listening in. The door is locked, but I’ll have to come out sooner or later. Putting the toilet seat down, I sit and close my eyes, wondering what I did to deserve a life like this. If my mother was still alive, my life would have turned out so differently. At least that’s what I tell myself, but I never knew her, so perhaps it’s just years of abuse that’s fueling my imagination. I miss her. I don’t know how it’s possible to miss someone I’ve never met, but I do. I miss being held by loving arms, being sung to. I miss having someone I can trust. I certainly can’t trust the three men that have me captive. Nor can I trust my own father. In my twenty years of life, I’m yet to meet a single man who hasn’t abused me in some way. I’m the way I am because of the way my father treated me. Quiet, scared. A mouse in a world full of lions.
I rub the last tears from my eyes and heave in a deep breath. I don’t have to be the mouse. They are stronger than me in every way, but what can they really take from me that hasn’t already been taken? My dignity? Ha, that’s something I’ve never had. The worst they can do to me is take me back to my father. A shudder runs through me at the thought of it, but it’s nothing I haven’t endured before. I’ve spent my entire life under my father’s thumb. Abused. These three think they can break me, but how do you break something that’s already broken? That’s been broken for a long time?
They can’t. They can try all they want to humiliate me, threaten me, hurt me even, but I have something they want. I’m worth something to them. It might not be the type of value I want to have. Like everything else in this world, I’m reduced to a sum of money. Nix might know I’m not worth the thirty million I told them, but two million dollars is still a lot of money, no matter how much he pretends it isn’t. They had to move out of their own house. I don’t know why, but it’s obvious Dacre wouldn’t let them all stay here if he didn’t have to. They need the money and until they get it, I’m worth something.
A sense of power washes over me. It’s not much, but it’s the only bargaining chip I have. I have literally nothing else in my arsenal. I throw another splash of cold water at my face, take a deep breath, and head out. The living room is quiet, but faint cigarette smoke ligers in the air. Josh must have left the door open slightly when he headed outside onto the terrace for a smoke. I run quickly to the bedroom and dash inside. Throwing the nightgown down on the floor, I choose something else from the wardrobe. The dress Nolan bought me hangs in the middle. The dress Alexander said made me look like a whore.
Perfect
I pull it from the hanger and shimmy into it. A whore is what they want me to be, so a whore I shall be. Joshua Nix won’t know what’s hit him. I run my fingers through my hair, pushing it to one side so the side shave is on full display. I have no idea what I look like, but I remember the reaction from Alexander when he saw me in this all too well. I almost wish Nolan was here to do my make up, but he isn’t. Lucinda Waldgrave was enough for Joshua Nix once. She can be again. My heart pounds at the absurdity of what I’m about to do. Josh wants power over me, and for the last few days, he’s had it. Not anymore. I won’t cower before him ever again. Let him do his worst.
I imagine his face as I walk across the room. I don’t know if he can see me yet, but on the off chance that he can, I sashay in the sexiest way I know how. It all feels alien to me, as though I’m no longer myself. I try not to lose my confidant gait as I feel around for obstacles that might trip me up. There’s nothing sexy about being sprawled all over the floor. My fingers touch the smooth glass of the door. With a swift move, I slide it to the side. The stench of smoke is stronger now, but it mingles with the thick New York air. It’s not as pungent and thick with fumes as the street, but it’s hardly fresh either. I hold my breath as I listen out for Josh’s breathing. I can hear the distant noise from the street thirty floors below, the cacophony of engines rumbling, horns blazing and people chatting. I can hear it all. Even the birds in Central Park across the road. I can hear everything except the one thing I want to. Josh.
“Josh,” I call out his name and step through the door. My nerves fray further as I take another step onto the terrace. I’ve not been out here yet. And though it’s extremely unlikely, there could be a gap in the wall or some part of the terrace that’s damaged. One wrong step and I could be plunging to my death.
“Josh,” I say again, this time a little louder. I take another hesitant step, mindful of how far below me the traffic sounds. An arm grips mine, fingers digging into the fleshy part. “What the fuck are you wearing?”
I rip my arm from his. Anger begins to flow through my veins, which makes me feel stronger. “You said get dressed up. I got dressed up. What were you expecting? Me to put on a ballgown? Or maybe one of Dacre’s mother’s dresses that all stink of mothballs? What is it you want me to be Josh? Because so far I’ve not figured it out. You aren’t happy when I’m scared, you aren’t happy when I’m shy. You want to hate me. It wouldn’t matter what I came out here dressed in, you’d find fault in it.”
I’m out of breath and my heart is hammering, but I did it. I finally stood up to Joshua Nix. I’ll pay for it, but right now, I’m exhilarated. I wait for him to dish out the punishment. Whatever Joshua Nix has got, I’ll take it, but he’ll never see me cry again.
“We’re going out,” he finally says.
“We’re going out? Where? Isn’t that dangerous?” Not to mention unexpected. He’s caught me off guard.
His voice is smooth like black velvet, and he’s much closer to me than he was a moment before. “It’s much more dangerous for you in here, Sin. You just have no idea how much.”
I swallow back the nerves as he runs his fingers softly through my hair. I’m startled by this sudden change in him. The gentleness in how his fingers caress my hair and then move down my cheek. I try to picture what he’s seeing and what’s going through his mind. This isn’t the angry Josh of a few moments ago. His knuckles continue their journey, caressing the side of my neck. My eyes close involuntarily and I find myself leaning into him. Warmth pools between my legs as I fall into empty air. Josh has already moved away and all I’m left with is a deep sense of self hatred.
34
NIX
I hadn’t planned on attending this party, but I need to be with her away from Mercier and Dacre to be able to get my head straight. I won’t be alone with her. Where we are going, we’ll be surrounded by people, but it’s the perfect place to be able to think everything through. Somewhere I won’t make a stupid mistake because people will be watching, but somewhere no one will see the real us. See Sin. A masquerade ball. I’ll have the most famous woman on the planet beside me and no one will know. It’s risky, but a damn sight less risky than what Dacre pulled the other day. He’s a fucking fool. A fool that gambled thirty million dollars. Thirty million that he’s lost. He just doesn’t know it yet. He doesn’t know that his master plan to bring down his parents and Peter Waldgrave is never going to happen. Tomorrow I’m taking Sin home. Back to her father. If he’s not back yet, I’ll hand her to his security staff. All this bullshit over two million dollars. It’s not worth it. It never was. Tomorrow I’ll be free of her, but tonight. Tonight is my last chance to make her pay for what she did to me all those years ago and I’m not going to have Dacre or Mercier talk me out of it.
The yacht the party is being held on is owned by one of my parent’s oldest friends and unlike most of their friends that crawled into the woodwork the second I lost everything, Edward Bailey stuck around. Ten years older than me, he inherited his fortune at around the same time I lost mine. I find him in the VIP section surrounded with beautiful women, most of them models and actresses with the odd socialite thrown in. He’ll flirt madly with them then at the end of the night he’ll leave the whole fucking lot of them disappointed when he retires alone to the master suite where I know for a fact his secret husband and shitzu will be waiting. Just like everything else in New York society, Jonathan Bailey is a fraud. He’s been voted the world’s most eligible bachelor more times than I can count, and only a select few know about Dmitri and Fluffles.
His eyes land on me, then drift over to Sin. She’s wearing no makeup and her eyes aren’t concealed by the brown contacts Mercier gave her. The mask we were handed at the dock is the only thing hiding her true identity.
“Josh, Darling.” He welcomes me with his arms wide and gives me what might appear as a friendly hug, but is really a way of interrogation. “What the fuck are you going with Lucinda Waldgrave?” he hisses in my ear. Of course he recognizes her. Edward never misses a trick. Plus he knows her.
“She’s not Lucinda.”
He turns to her, appraising her as she stands awkwardly in the corner. “Don’t fuck with me, Josh. She’s all over the news. A lame mask and some colored contacts might hide her from the masses, but the fucking paparazzi are here. All it takes is for one person to recognize her and you’ve lost your reward money. That is why you are with her, right? Please tell me it’s the money and not fucked up plan for revenge.”
Edward is the only person in the world that knows just how hard I fell for Sin and how much she destroyed me. Dacre knows some of the story, but not all of it. He didn’t know me when I was dating Sin. He never saw the fallout, only the aftermath.
“They aren’t contacts. That’s her real eye color. She’s blind.”
His eyebrows furrow. “Blind? What did you do to her?”
“Nothing yet,” I grumble, annoyed that he thinks I did this to her. “A fucking infection or something. Who knows? I’m taking her back to Waldgrave tomorrow. I’ve been staying with Dacre at his parents’ apartment.”
He raises his eyebrows. “And tonight you thought you’d have one last fling with the girl that broke your heart? How poetic. And fucked up. Straight people pull the weirdest shit.”
