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"I'm not ashamed either," I said. "I just don't like people bragging about my personal life."
"I didn't—" he started.
I interrupted. "That was how it looked. That was how it felt." I don't know, maybe I was overreacting. "It makes me look so unprofessional."
"Is that all that matters to you?" he asked. "Looking professional?" His frown deepened.
"No, it's not all that matters," I said. What else did though? I didn't have much. I had my job, two parents who split up when I was a kid, an older brother and a younger sister. I had two nieces from one and two nephews from the other. In terms of having a life of my own, there wasn't much to talk about. I worked and sometimes I baked. Now I thought about it, that seemed pathetic. When was the last time I hung out with my friends? Right, before they all had children of their own. Now they were busy raising them, and had no time for each other.
"You know what I think?" he asked.
"No, and you know what, it doesn't matter," I said. "It was one night, that was it. Nothing more. I shouldn't be upset or even surprised that the rest of the band know. You all share everything. I knew that before I jumped in. It was my fault for not looking before I leaped in with both feet."
I took a breath. "At the end of the day, it wasn't professional, and yes being professional matters. It's my job to be professional. To keep perspective. I'm supposed to be biased about the band as a whole, so I can sell you to…" I shrugged.
"Everyone. But apart from that, I need to be objective. I need the journalists I liaise with to treat me seriously. I need the band to treat me seriously. I don't know if that can happen now." Especially with Strike giving me a meaningful looks and treating the whole thing like it was some kind of joke. It was embarrassing. More than that, it was hurtful.
A tiny sliver of my deepest, darkest thoughts, actually thought I had a chance with Axel.
Yeah, pretty dumb, right? It was obvious how he felt about me. The only surprise here was that he bothered to try to explain. Maybe he was just trying to throw Strike under the bus. He might think he could get me into bed again if he could smooth this over with me. That was never going to happen. Not ever. I'd made that mistake once, I wasn't going to make it again. Especially if he was the kind of guy who let someone else take the blame, just so he could get laid. That would make him the lamest kind of person. I didn't think he was like that, but I'd been wrong about people before. No doubt it would happen again too.
All of this hurt my professional, efficient little heart. That was why I couldn't sit with him on the plane, apart from the boarding passes being sorted already. I needed to stay as far away from Axel Gregory as I could. For my own sake and his. I seriously thought about catching the next flight out, but I needed to get back to work. I needed to immerse myself in it until I forgot about everything and everyone else, especially him. If there was anything I was good at, it was losing myself in work, keeping so busy it made me numb. That was my superpower, living in denial.
"It can happen," Axel said firmly. "I'll make sure the rest of the guys don't act like dickheads, especially Strike. You know he won't say anything, right?"
I hadn't thought about that, but now he mentioned it, my heart sank a little further.
"Are you sure about that? Because I'm not. He's not exactly known for his discretion." Knowing him, he'd pick up a microphone at the concert in Vancouver tomorrow night and tell everyone how the rhythm guitarist slept with the dull, plain tour publicist because he had nothing better for his dick to do that night. Except that cute server who was clearly interested. He would have been better off going home with her.
I would have been better off if he'd gone home with her.
"If he says a word, you have my permission to make up a scandal about him and spread it everywhere," he said jokingly.
I had a hard time finding anything funny right now.
He sighed into my silence and said, "I know you would never make up anything like that. I'm just trying to lighten the mood."
"Maybe you should go and sit with the guys and forget about it," I said. The flight didn't leave for an hour, there was still time for him to hook up with someone else and put me right out of his head. I had no doubt he would.
The problem was, I didn't know if I was going to be able to put him out of my head.
Or my heart.
9
Axel
"Okay, out with it," Nate said once we settled into our seats for the second part of the flight. We had an hour and a half layover in Chicago, before we traveled the rest of the way to Vancouver. I hadn't said more than a couple of sentences since speaking to Hayley. Instead, I'd stewed, playing her words over and over again in my head.
"You taking grumpy lessons from Cord?"
Cord and Harper sat a few sets in front of us, so he wouldn't hear even if he wasn't engrossed in conversation with her.
I responded with a grunt. "No, just trying to figure a few things out."
"Hales?" he asked. "No offense, but she looked kinda pissed at you. Trouble in paradise already?"
I sighed and made sure my seatbelt was securely fastened, even though I knew it was.
