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Although I knew the version that the E.M.T.’s gave me, I want to hear it from him.
He clears his throat before beginning to speak. “She walked in here to ask me if I was hungry, and then…she just…fell over.” He chokes over the words. “I asked if she was okay, but she didn’t answer me. I must have called her name four times before I got up and went to check on her. Maybe if I would have gotten up faster…or went to check on her sooner.”
“Stop, Grandpa. You heard those guys. She was gone the moment it happened. Nothing you could have done could have saved her.”
“I already miss her so much, bud.” The emotion he’s been holding in breaks through the dam as he starts to cry. “What am I supposed to do now? My best friend is gone.”
I reach over and take his hand. “I miss her too,” I say, trying to hold back my own tears.
“It was supposed to be me. I was the one who was supposed to go first. Not her.”
I’m not sure what to say. I think we all thought that Grandpa would go first due to all of his health issues, but I don’t think I would ever be ready for either one of them to go. They’re the only family I have.
I sit with him for I don’t know how long, but after a while, exhaustion starts to take hold, and I see him dozing in the chair. I desperately hope he can get some rest because I know the next few days will probably be the hardest of his life.
After he’s asleep, I walk into the bedroom, expecting Jenna to be already asleep too. But she’s not. She’s just lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
It’s clear neither one of us knows what to say, so I decide not to say anything at all. Instead, I grab her hand and pull her up off the bed. I lead her into the bathroom and turn on the shower.
While the water warms up, we take the time to undress each other. It’s not sexual at all—just two people about to wash off some of the scent of this horrible day.
We step under the spray and slowly wash each other. I feel almost as though I’m on auto-pilot until Jenna wraps her arms around my back and pulls me toward her.
She hugs me—holds me. Nothing more. We stand there under the warm water, wrapped in each other’s arms.
I hear her whisper, “I’m so sorry, love.”
It’s at that moment that my self-control breaks and everything I’ve been holding back rises to the surface.
And for I don’t know how long, I stand there, crying in my girlfriend’s arms.
Chapter Forty-five
Jenna
I’m not good at handling grief, especially when death is involved. I get weird and awkward, and I have no idea how to help.
I don’t know if that fact has really changed. I have tried to be there for Shane the best that I can the past few days, but I don’t know how much I have actually helped.
Now, I’m just walking around with him greeting people after the funeral. It was a beautiful service, and plenty of tears were shed. Now, Shane is trying to say hello to everyone and thank them for coming.
I just follow him around and grab him a drink or something to eat every once in a while. I feel like I should be doing more, but I have no idea what.
Looking up, I see my entire family come walking toward us. All of my brothers, their wives, and our mother all have come to pay their respects. Momma has been a saint the past couple of days, bringing us enough meals to last the next couple of weeks. She’s officially been more helpful than I have been.
Shane and I have talked, but things have been so busy that we’ve barely had a moment to ourselves. His grandpa has been a mess, so planning the funeral fell to Shane. He’s been running around like crazy during the day, and at night, both of us are so exhausted, we fall into bed and crash.
I wish I had something to make the pain and grief that he’s feeling disappear. But I know the only thing that can do that is time. Right now, all I can do is be here for him. He was there for me during my dark time, so I will be here for him through this.
As people start filing out at the end of everything, I start cleaning everything up, and I pack up all the leftover food and break down all the tables and chairs. It sounds boring as hell, but it gives me something to do, so I’m not just standing around.
When I’m finishing up, I hear Shane walk up behind me. His arms wrap around my waist as he buries his face in my neck.
“Hi, Sunshine,” he whispers.
“Hi, baby.”
“Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
