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Mack (October 6, 3:47 a.m.):Miss you more than you know.
Mack:Hope you have a great day.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
It’sbeentwoweekssince I last saw Mack. The day after it all fell apart, Lexy drove with me while he was at the recording studio to pick up my things and bring them to her apartment. She doesn’t have a second bedroom, but the hall closet fits most of my clothes, and her couch is comfortable. It works for now at least, and I’m thankful for her. Luckily, she only lives five minutes from Mack, so my drive to the café for work still isn’t bad. I’ve been picking up as many shifts as possible while I figure out what my next step will be. I worry every day Mack will walk through the front door when I’m working since he was a regular here long before it became my place of employment. As far as I know, he hasn’t been in once while I’ve been working. I’m not sure if it’s out of respect for the space I asked for or if Lexy may have said something to him about staying away.
I haven’t replied to any of his texts, mostly because I don’t know what to say and partly because I don’t trust myself enough to not just forgive him. Part of me wants to forgive him desperately, but the other part of me knows I need to take time for myself to figure out how to make things work, if that’s what I want. I’m not ready to be in a relationship again because I can hardly stand to be trapped with my own thoughts most of the time. This isn’t only about Mack’s betrayal. That was just the catalyst that led me to look deeper into what I really want my life to look like.
I tie my apron around my waist and unlock the door before heading behind the counter. The bell above the door chimes, and I turn around to deliver the upbeat greeting I’ve been masking my sadness with. “Welcome to…”
He’s already standing on the other side of the counter before I’ve finished turning around all the way. “Hey, Mace…Maci,” He catches using my nickname and corrects himself, breaking his eye contact with me and looking down at his wallet in his hands. When his eyes meet mine again, they are glossed over. I wasn’t exactly sure how it was going to feel when I saw him for the first time again, but I know at this moment it’s not something I’m prepared to handle. He’s standing there frozen, gauging my reaction. I take in the man in front of me, and it takes everything I have not to leap over the counter into his arms. Outside of the look in his eyes, he’s incredibly sexy. He’s got on jeans with a gray and maroon baseball shirt and his black hat backward. It’s a go-to look for him I’ve fallen in love with. My heart breaks all over again knowing this awkwardness between us might be his fault, but it’s my choice.
I don’t say anything in response and instead punch his order into the register. The air between us is thick, and I’m pretty sure feeling like I’m suffocating in it is the only thing that’s keeping me from having a total meltdown right now. I try to keep it together as I reach for his card and swipe it through the machine. Handing it back to him, I focus on making sure our hands don’t touch, but mine shakes too much. His thumb touching mine as he takes the card back from me is enough to break the fragile tape that was holding me together. My resolve shatters. I turn and run toward the swinging doors that separate the front and back of the café, nearly crashing into Abby. She looks at me, then looks to where I’m assuming she sees Mack based on the realization washing over her face. I don’t stop to say anything to her. I can’t. I hardly make it through the doors before I fall against the wall, my back sliding down it as my face falls into my hands and tears flood out of my eyes.
I try to steady my breathing, but I can’t seem to get a grip. Looking at him overwhelms me. I feel out of control of my thoughts, my emotions and my life. I miss him so much.
After Abby gets Mack’s food and helps a few more customers, she comes back to check on me and send me home. We both know I’m not capable of working anymore today, and luckily she’s understanding.
I’m digging through my purse for my keys as I walk outside, so I don’t realize I’m going to crash until it’s too late. He wasn’t prepared for the weight of me falling into him. He stumbles back a bit, but doesn’t let go, his hands holding me up at my shoulders.
“You okay?” Mack says softly, as if I’m going to break again at his words.
When I look up, I can see his eyes are red. I shake my head but don’t look away. My tears are so quiet, I didn’t realize they were back until I taste them on my lips.
“I didn't mean to upset you, Maci. I got my days confused. I didn’t think you’d be here. I’m sorry.” His words are genuine. They always are.
“It’s not…You shouldn’t have to…I’m sorry,” I choke out as I fall into his chest and he wraps his arms around me. I take a deep breath into his shirt, the cinnamon scent coming off him helping to soothe me. It’s so good to be in his arms. Too good. I pull back when I’ve gathered my thoughts, and he reluctantly loosens his hold on me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here with you like this.”
“Hey, Maci, it’s okay.” He wipes the tears from my face, and I let him. “I’m always here for you.”
I fall into his chest again. A few moments pass before I whisper, “I love my CD.”
He pulls back to look at me, uncertainty all over his face. “Do you?”
I nod.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, please.” He’s practically begging me.
“That this is hard. That I miss you. That I’m mad at myself for missing you. That I want to figure this out on my own. That I’m not sure if I can do this.” I spit out all my thoughts so fast I have to stop to take a breath.
His hand slides to the side of my face, his fingers weaving into my hair. Pressing his forehead to mine and closing his eyes, he whispers, “I’m sorry. I want so badly to fix this, to take away your pain, and ease your fears, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to prove how much you mean to me and for that to be enough. Do you think there’s a chance for us?”
He pulls back enough to look at me, and I manage to respond without crying. “I promise this isn’t just about you, Mack. As much as this sucks, I can’t help but think it happened for a reason. I do think there has to be more effort on your part. I know you made a mistake, and I trust you to always try your best, but I have to feel confident something like this won’t happen again, and that you’ll be in my corner when I’m struggling. I’ve also realized how much work I need to do on myself too. I don’t think I’m ready to work on our relationship on top of that yet. But it’s not fair of me to ask you to wait.”
He grips either side of my face to hold my eyes on him. “Maci, I waited years for you the first time. You’re worth the wait, however long it takes and whatever I have to do.” He kisses my forehead before wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me into him. Tightening my arms around his waist, I wonder if this will be the last time.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
I’msittinghereonLexy’s bedroom floor, leaning against her bed, zoning out as my new best friend clips in her hair extensions.The Bacheloretteplays in the background, but I can’t seem to focus on any of it. I don’t want to go out tonight, and for the first time, I’m glad it’s taking her so long to get ready. Hesitantly, I pull my leggings off and jump into a pair of jeans because I know Lexy will roll her eyes and whine the entire way to the bar if I don’t change.
“You need to get out of this funk,” she says, as she stares into the mirror and glues her eyelash into place. “I have an idea,” she declares, a wicked smile crossing her face.
Sighing, I roll my eyes, questioning if I look cute enough for whatever this plan of hers is, or if I need to flip through her closet before we leave.
“You know that movieYes Man,where Jim Carrey has to say “yes” to everything anyone asks him? Let’s do that. For the whole weekend. You don’t have work, and I’m not on the schedule until Saturday night. And you need some excitement in your life.”
“Ugh, how about not? That sounds terrifying. Plus, I don't know…what if men are involved? I’m not ready for that.”
