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His amusement transforms into confusion as I freeze again, the sink water running over the sud free pan and my energy instantly shifting. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, ummm…” I turn off the water and take a breath. For some reason, even though everything is fine between Avery and me now, I was caught off guard. I feel the urge to tell him what happened, to fill him in on parts of my life he missed. Being here with him now makes it feel strange he hasn’t been around the entire time. I’m realizing how sad I am about how much of each other’s life we missed. I don’t know where to start or if he’d care to hear about my year without him.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. But you can if you want.” He sets the now damp towel on the counter, picking up my hand in its place and leading me to the end of his bed where we sit, and he looks at me, waiting.
The sincerity in his eyes makes the decision for me. I start from the beginning, trying to leave Mack out of as much of the story as possible, but I can see a flicker of realization in his eyes when it slips.
“Wow, Maci, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. That must be hard to navigate. I know she’s your best friend, and you’ve always had a special bond. I could tell whenever you were together.”
“Yeah, everything is okay now though. She’s always been my person, and nothing is going to change that.”
I make a mental note to set aside time to call Avery and check in when I get to my next stop. I should really decide where that will be. And when–but later.
“Soooo…” I can tell he wants to change the subject, but his hesitancy makes me nervous. My gut tells me what’s coming next. “Sounds like Avery’s brother is a pretty great guy.” He doesn’t ask a question, but his eyes are filled with them.
I come up with something to say quicker than I thought I’d be able. “Yeah, I’m thankful he was there to help with everything that happened.”
“What did happen, though? With him. Are you tied to him the way you are to Avery? I mean, you’ve known him forever too, right?” His forwardness surprises me, although at this point, I’m not sure why.
I adjust how I’m sitting on the bed, pulling one leg under me. I’m uncomfortable but still pulled to be truthful with him. I’ve been grateful for the shift he’s had around being open with me, and it would be hypocritical if I didn’t match that. “We dated for a while. I moved to California, like I said before. He’s super easy to be around, like it’s always been with Avery. With added benefits, of course.” I cringe. You’re such an idiot, Maci. You can be honest without sharing every thought. I can feel Dean’s eyes on me, and I’m too afraid to look up and read his face. My eyes stay on my hands, which are fidgeting in my lap, and I try to recover by keeping it simple. “We had a good relationship.”
“I’m confused. Why aren’t you still with him then?”
“Initially it was because he broke my trust. I didn’t handle it well. I panicked. I also realized I needed to take time to focus on myself before I could give our relationship the attention it deserved. Is that how you felt?” He starts to speak but I cut him off. “Wait, I’m not trying to say you felt that way about me. I know we weren’t even in a relationship.”
I try to keep rambling, but he gently holds up his hand to stop me. “Maci, I know I fought the title, but I considered us in a relationship. There was only you.”
“Your communication said otherwise.” The moment the words come out, my hands fly to my mouth as if I could shove them back in. “That was mean, I’m sorry.”
“It’s also true.” He looks down at our hands where he’s just interlocked our fingers. He doesn’t seem to know what to add, so I choose to contribute more thoughts. I debated refraining the past two days, but I think he should know how much he hurt me because I’m getting the impression he has no idea.
“The night Mack and I broke up was the one time his communication failed. He was always good at it. One of the reasons I didn’t let it slide is because I promised myself I deserved more.” I pause. “Dean...”
His eyes hesitantly meet mine again, and his thumb rubbing over my hand freezes.
“You really hurt me.”
He starts to apologize, but I cut him off.
“Please let me get this out.” His lips pinch together and he nods, letting me know I have his full attention. “I wasn’t just hurt that you left without hardly any notice or explanation…” I take a breath to keep my tears in check. He stays silent, watching me.
“I loved you. I was in love with you. I had never given anyone my heart that way. Maybe you didn’t want it, but you broke it nonetheless. I was a wreck. For months, Dean.”
He releases his hold on me so he can rub both hands up his face and into his hair. His fingers link behind his neck, his head tipped back slightly into them. He genuinely looks like he’s in pain after listening to me. I didn’t want to hurt him, but it was time for him to know. Regardless, I’m uncomfortable now.
“Sorry, that was a lot. I didn’t intend to drop all this on you. I know it doesn’t matter because we haven’t seen each other in a year, but part of me felt like you should know. You don’t have to say anything.” I stand, getting ready to wash my face and wash away these resurfaced memories.
“Maci, sit down, please.” He reaches out and runs his fingers down my forearm. I oblige him and sit cross legged on the edge of the bed, facing him.
“Do you remember when you came to see me on New Years last year?”
I nod.
“Do you want to know what I said that night?”
“Ummm…” I search my memories, but I can’t seem to remember anything but his thoughts being cut off by a customer.
“Not to you.” He laughs to himself. “I was on the phone with my mom when you surprised me.”
