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“Oh, I see.” He pulls his hand away from mine.
I reach back out for him, and he doesn’t stop me. It’s my turn to recall what else was said that night. “But that’s not what I was getting at. Do you remember what I told you on New Years last year?”
“That liking me makes you want to throw up?” He says it with a straight face and it makes me laugh.
“Okay, well, yeah.” I can’t help my smile. “When I came to your work that night, I told you I had never felt about anyone before the way I feel around you. I meant it then…and I still mean it now. I’m not saying I’m still in love with you, to be clear. That would be crazy. I hardly know you anymore, or at least I’m still learning about this new you. But the way I feel when we are together, it’s different from anything I’ve felt with anyone else. It’s electric. I can’t help but wonder how things could have been different between us. I’m also not sure you ever really stop loving someone.”
I think I shocked him into speechlessness. He wasn’t prepared for that flip in my admission. Or maybe he doesn’t know what to say because he thinks I’m crazy. Maybe he had feelings for me a year ago, but it’s been a year, and with everything he’s confessed, none of his words have been directly admitting he’s interested in me still.
“What are you saying, Maci?” He says it slowly.
“I’m saying…I’m confused and conflicted about a lot. I came here certain I’d go home to the only option I had in my head. I don’t want this to be unclear: Mack is not my backup choice by any means. But I also never expected to see you again. I’m not confident about how you feel now compared to how you did before…but I need…”
When I don’t finish my thought, he confirms what I had assumed based on him actively participating in this conversation. “My feelings haven’t changed.” He’s confident. “What do you need?” he adds calmly.
“I don’t want to make any promises or lead you on…”
Dean’s fingers pull away from mine, and he threads them through my hair. “Maci, tell me what you need, please.”
“If any part of you doesn’t want our story to be over…I need you to kiss me right now.”
The words have barely left my lips before he pulls my face toward his with his firm grip on the back of my neck. His mouth crashes into mine with an urgency that sends a shock through me, but as soon as my lips part for his, it turns tender, and we sync immediately as if it hasn’t been a year.
A few minutes pass before he pulls back just enough to look at me. Then he kisses me softly once, as if he truly doesn’t expect anything else. “Ready for bed? I just finished a book I think you’d like.”
I nod and smile at him, then head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Peeking back at him over my shoulder, I catch his thumb brushing over his bottom lip, the same way it did after he kissed me for the first time against his truck. The flutter in my stomach isn’t so different from that night either.
CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
Irollover,myeyes still closed. I feel around on the other side of the bed, much less surprised than yesterday that Dean is already gone. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and sit. Once I can see clearly, I immediately spot today’s note.
Hi Beautiful,
Your breakfast is on the stove. Tortillas are on the counter. Can’t wait to see you.
I read his words twice more. They might not be a love letter, but compared to Dean’s level of vulnerability a year ago, it nearly feels like it. I walk over to the kitchen area of Dean’s studio and smile at his second sweet gesture of the day. I slide the eggs onto a tortilla and roll them up. I’m not sure if that’s how they eat it in Costa Rica, but it looks good to me.
I might have been able to ignore the chemistry I felt around Dean once he was out of the picture and I’d convinced myself there was more to a good relationship than electricity, but it’s too hard to ignore it now, especially when he seems willing to give me the pieces that were missing before. I know I can’t possibly be in love with Dean again yet–that is, if you ever stop loving someone you’ve loved in the first place. As much as he feels like all the good parts of Dean I remember, I also know he’s grown, and I want to spend more time with that version of him, learning all the things I missed over the past year to know for sure. Can you be in love with two people at once? I’m certain I love Mack, but I can see myself falling for Dean all over again, as quickly as I did the first time, if I let myself.
It’s hard to wrap my head around how I’m stuck in this dilemma in the first place. I truly never expected to ever see Dean again. Yet, here I am, tying the straps of my bikini before I head down the beach in search of him, like we are on vacation together and never skipped a beat.
When I get to Dean’s surf shack, he’s speaking to a young local boy in Spanish. He catches sight of me, smiling in the middle of telling the boy to go wait by the water, I think. He must be giving him a lesson.
“Hi.” He leans closer like he’s considering kissing me, but then pulls back.
“Thank you for breakfast.”
“You’re welcome. I also got your board ready for you, if you’re comfortable being out there by yourself. I have a few lessons to teach today, but I’ll be close by if you need me.”
“Perfect. And then when you’re done, we can get more tacos?”
He laughs. “Yes, we can always get tacos.” Leaning in again, he kisses my forehead this time before taking off in a jog toward the water.
It’s not as late as it was when we called it a day yesterday. Dean finished his last lesson about an hour ago and has been in the shop closing up for the day. By the time he signals me in, I’ve stopped trying to ride the waves in favor of letting them lap softly beneath my board as I lie with my face to the setting sun. The water is warm, and the vibrant sky makes it so peaceful.
When I make it to shore, Dean is there waiting for me. He takes my board from me, but instead of walking it to the shop, he lays it gently on the sand. I look from it, then back at him. He takes a step closer, and drapes his arms over my shoulders. “Hi.”
“Heeeey.” I smile, my hands finding his waist as if this is a moment we share every day. He’s looking at me like he’s debating if he should tell me what he’s thinking or say nothing at all. “What?”
