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“Ahh, but don’t you see, life is love. You learn to love yourself, and you find other things and people to love too. That is exactly what makes a good life.” His thought echos what Elizabeth Gilbert said about love being one of the only two things people care about when it comes down to it. I just struggle with the idea that I'm ready for it right now.
“How can I love someone else when I don’t feel complete enough to be loved?”
“Just like any of these flowers, you can enjoy yourself, your life, other people, even before they are fully grown. The most beautiful thing will be when you learn how to love each other, use each other to help grow into someone you love, and create a life you love more. We wouldn’t be surrounded by people if they weren’t supposed to help us. Don’t forget that. Don’t let your fear hold you back from sharing your love with someone.”
“What if I figure out who I love and there’s not enough time to build that love and focus on all the other things I love too?”
“Toss aside your doubt, my dear. There is always time. It may have taken a while to figure out, but look at this city. We discovered what we value most: good people, good food, good energy. We work harder on shorter days to create the time to enjoy all of it. Once you figure out what’s important to you, you’ll find the time to love and grow together.”
“I need to figure out what is most important to me.”
“You will. You are in the city of love! It’s bound to help you figure out the secrets to your heart.”
CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE
TheroutineI’vefalleninto is lazy in a way that has given me a newfound energy. I wander the streets with my bakery treat of choice, and stay out in the fresh air as long as possible. Some days I find a park where I can sit in the sunshine and read, and other days I adventure out to see the sights. I’ve explored the Pantheon, been to the Louvre, seen the Notre Dame Cathedral, but mostly I search out the street performers. I love the simplicity and joy they seem to seek out for their lives.
After those first few days, I was able to keep my mind off both Mack and Dean for the most part. I spent most of my time helping Avery make last minute decisions for her wedding and enjoying the laid back energy of Paris. My intention while here has been to simply soak up the pleasure of traveling. I’ve decided to go to Thailand for a couple months before I fly home for the wedding, and I’ve promised myself that by the time I leave Asia I’ll determine a path for my life–in regards to work and love.
While neither man gave me an ultimatum, or are necessarily waiting for me, I know making a choice will ease everyone’s mind, and it’s only fair. I’ve also been coming to terms with the possibility I could go home and neither of them want to be with me anymore. If that’s the consequence of my choices, it’s something I will accept.
I have learned a lot these past few weeks by immersing myself in the culture. Experiencing the way people live here–as if there’s no rush, as if giving into love is all that matters–has helped me let go of my need to find a bigger purpose immediately. I have a better grip on reality and control over my perspective. The thought I keep coming back to is if focusing on what I currently love most is enough to guide my life.
I don’t believe either man was a rebound, and I know I love them both differently. But even if I can choose which one I love the most and predict who will make me the happiest, how do I make sure I can be enough for them too?
Every few days, I’ve gone to Theo’s shop to buy new flowers for my temporary home. We chat about life and love and of course flowers. Today I stop by for the last time to say goodbye before I leave.
“My Maci!” he exclaims as I walk through the propped open green front door.
“Theo! I need the best bunch you’ve got! It’ll be my last one.” My room reservation is almost up, and once I got to the point where I was comfortable and it was starting to feel like home, I knew it was time to leave.
“Ahhh, you’ve discovered the meaning of life and you’re ready to head back to yours?” He smiles at me, having listened to me on more than one occasion over the past few weeks.
Searching through the bouquets lining the wall in front of me, I turn his way to respond. “I don’t think I’ve figured it out as much as I’ve made peace with the fact there is no way around choosing.”
“Ahhh, so you have chosen your path?”
“I’ve been avoiding the actual decision…” If you can be both calm and anxious at the same time, that’s what I am. “Being here, and hearing it from you a dozen times, has made me realize love is the most important thing to follow in your life. I know I need to make a choice, but there’s one thing that’s holding me back now. What if the things I think are most important to me turn out to not be the right things in the end?”
“Sometimes what we love most changes, especially as you change. But if you worry about what you might love next, you’ll never be able to fully enjoy what you love right now. You have come in here every time and picked out the same yellow daffodils because you love them the most. If you were concerned about a day you might not love them as much anymore, or a day I might not have them, you would miss out on all the days you could have enjoyed them. We never know how this moment will connect to the next million. All we can do is choose what we want in the present. It might not work out like we hope, but you might end up running a flower store with the love of your life surrounded by joy every day.”
I run my fingers gently over the top of a bouquet before picking it up, paying, wishing him well and leaving his shop for the last time.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX
Whenthecabdropsme off, I lower the magazine I took from the plane. It’s flipped to a page of a street in downtown Phuket that was, well, picture perfect. I asked someone at the airport for directions, and after a short cab ride and 30 minutes of wandering, I found it. I think.
The scene laid out in front of me is hardly recognizable compared to the picture. The magazine showed a row of pristine white and light pink buildings with intricate gold embellishments bordering every doorway and window. But when I study it next to the real thing, disappointment washes over me. The white is dirty, the pink is faded and dusty and instead of feeling peaceful, the street is chaotic and crowded.
Putting the magazine in my bag, I walk until I find the first coffee shop I come across. It’s simple inside, with off-white walls and small two person café tables lining the side opposite the glass display case and counter. I order a tea and find a seat by the front window.
I laugh to myself when the barista drops off my tea. Every time I’m in a coffee shop it’s not lost on me I never order coffee. I loved that Mack hated it too. It was such a little joy in our relationship. A list of other things I loved about our relationship flood my mind. I soak in the memories before allowing myself to dig deeper.
My goal while I’m here is to make a decision, and that’s not going to happen if I’m not honest with myself. By that I mean asking my best friend for her opinion. I’ve successfully avoided a conversation with Avery about this for months now, but I’m ready to talk with her about it.
Maci:Can we talk about Mack?
Avery:Of course. I’ve been waiting for you to bring it up. I’m sure it’s been hard since you know I’ll struggle to be objective. But you’re my best friend, Maci. Whatever direction this conversation goes, know I just want you to be happy in the end. That’s all I want for both of you.
