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All he’d have to do is step into me one more time, and I wouldn’t have the strength to keep my distance any longer.
I spend hours lying there awake, both hoping he’ll come to me and praying that he doesn’t.
Chapter 38
Drake
You have to keep trying.
Words spoken from a woman who is in love and literally living her happily ever after.
I don’t dislike Alyssa for butting her nose into my business, but the woman is delusional, much like every person who has ever found their soulmate. They just can’t wrap their head around the fact that some people stay lonely. Some people never find that person who fills in all the holes and voids inside of them. Some people stay incomplete.
I grumble as I roll over in my sleeping bag, feeling like a broken Hallmark card.
Maybe I should be arguing that people can be alone and not be lonely.
That’s how I envisioned myself before Alexander Isaiah Smith came along.
I was fine with the fun I was having.
I was content to go out a few times a month and get laid.
No strings was the perfect plan.
Hell, Alex was supposed to be no strings, but the look on his face every time someone caught us devastated me. It was as if he saw the people in his life pulling away from him, as if their love and kindness were conditional, and he compromised that by getting closer to me.
I hate the family he was born into for fucking up his head so badly, but the fact of the matter is that he can’t change. He’s been gone from that place for ten years. For a decade the man has lived in a world where sexual orientation isn’t as readily bashed. Most people these days just give nasty looks before moving on. Most places you don’t have to worry about getting hurt or lynched for holding hands with a same-sex partner. Most people who stare do so because they consider it an oddity not because they’re honestly disgusted.
If the last ten years haven’t made him change his opinion about himself, then a couple months of hit-or-miss hooking up doesn’t have the power to do it either.
I sigh for the millionth time since talking with Alyssa, grateful that I can return to the apartment over the bar tomorrow to lick my wounds. I put myself out there today with Alex. I gave him the chance to explain why he was avoiding me. I’ve tried apologizing about Ugly showing up to the bar.
If he can’t be bothered to listen, then despite Alyssa’s urges, I can’t keep throwing myself in front of him. I was being honest when I told her he was going to start hating me. We may not have a chance at a future, but I’d never survive his hatred.
I’m still reeling over the fact that I even acknowledged caring for Alex in that way at all. I’ve never spoken to anyone about the man. I wouldn’t even have a conversation with Ugly if he were the one to walk up to me, even though he seemed to know a little about a lot on the drive up.
She told me she was tired of watching her friend struggle, and it angered me at first. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t be alone in this tent right now, but the decision wasn’t left up to me.
If things were different, I’d—
My thoughts freeze at a noise outside of my tent, my breath catching in my lungs.
I stiffen at the sound of my tent zipper lowering, but keep my eyes closed.
I know it’s him, but I know better than to think that he’s here for the reasons I’d want him to be. If anything, there’s a chance he’s going to attempt to silence me.
A warm hand grips my shoulder, tugging me to my back, but before I can pull my arms from the sleeping bag, his warm body covers mine.
He brushes his lips over mine, and my heart jerks in my chest at possibly getting everything I’ve ever wanted, but I know better. He said there’s no hope, and if that’s the case, I can’t continue with the secrets and hiding and pretending he doesn’t exist when it suits him.
I manage to pull my arms out from the sleeping bag, my palms pressing against his shoulders to move him off me.
The man doesn’t budge, and I’m an idiot for thinking I could ever move the mountain that is Alex.
“Don’t,” I grunt as I turn my head, even though it kills me to do so.
“I’m scared,” he whispers, his lips brushing the shell of my ear.
He climbs off me, and I sit up to face him.
“Of people knowing?”
I want to reach for him, to pull his face from the cradle of his hands.
I want to look into his eyes, vow to protect him from everything that could threaten to harm him, but his fear isn’t based in this lifetime. He’s afraid for his soul. I can’t compete with that. I never had a chance with this man.
