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I quieted, feeling the well opening up inside me.
“What’s happening right now? What are you thinking?”
I shook my head, pushed down the burning in my throat, and hugged my knees to my chest. “I can’t talk about her because there’s no resolution. She’ll never be the mother I want, and it’s stupid to even think like that. She will never change. Ever.” I looked for Cruz. He was on the couch, but giving me space. “After you told me about your sister, I had this moment of clarity. I’ve been struggling coming here, not being with her because… It’s so dumb, but it’s like if I was there, I’d be blamed for everything, but I could handle it or something. Being away, needing to be away, I’m not in control of anything, but I never was. I never am. It’s always her. I can’t explain it. I just–I called my dad on the beach and told him I was officially done with her.”
Cruz cursed under his breath but moved, scooping me up off the couch. He held me to him. I burrowed into his shoulder and neck. He was moving. I closed my eyes, letting myself be carried this time.
I heard the door being locked. The lights went off. He bent, and bent again, and then we were in my bedroom. He moved onto the bed, settling back against the bed’s headboard. One of his arms reached over. I heard a small clinking sound. His arm came back under me, and hoisted me higher in his arms, turning me.
I sank down, straddling him. I clambered up, holding him back like a koala.
His whole body shuddered, right before he rested his head next to mine, his cheek to mine. He murmured, “I don’t know if this is something you need to hear, but just because she’s the mom you got, that doesn’t mean she’s the mother you deserve.”
I inhaled and froze.
Was that what I thought?
Yes. Maybe.
I sat back, looking at him.
He reached up, and ran a hand down the side of my face, to my chin, my lips, and down to my throat. “You deserve everything in the world, Mara. That’s what I think.”
Things were moving inside me, a wall was opening. Cruz was already inside me, but he was creating a bigger opening, and a bunch of fear began to rush up. I clamped that down because he was right. I, at the very least, deserved some healing.
I’d accept that much, for now. But it was a start.
I whispered, “This, you and me, it’s scary as shit to me.”
He started to nod.
I stopped him. “I don’t let myself get close to anyone. But you, you changed the game. I don’t really know what all I’m saying here, but I’m just trying to say thank you and also warning you I’m a mess, but–”
He started smiling during my impromptu speech but leaned in, his mouth touched mine. “Shut up, and same.”
I laughed, my mouth still to his. Nothing else mattered that night.
It was all, just, perfect.
For the moment.
Unknown number: I’m going to kill your mom if you don’t give her what she needs.
Unknown number: Ur a horrible daughter.
Unknown number: U should doe.
Unknown number: Die.
Unknown number: I’ll do your mom and then I’ll come do you.
Blocked calls (21)
43
MARA
I was in a vehicle, with people.
Tasmin, her boyfriend, Miles, Skylar, Zoe, and I were all squished in Tasmin’s SUV.
Friends. Laughing.
I was in the twilight zone.
We were on a road trip heading to Cain. The hockey teams were playing. And since Cain was almost ground zero for Tasmin’s entire family, well; we were going for the weekend.
I was also hiding in the back.
But still. Twilight zone.
“So, are you and Cruz officially out?” Tasmin asked from the driver’s seat, looking at me in the rearview mirror.
I gave her a look. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh my God!” Skylar erupted while Zoe dissolved in laughter. They were in the back seat. Skylar added, “He slept over last night. By the way, you and he are not that quiet.”
“What?” I was mortified.
Zoe couldn’t stop laughing, and she shook her head at the same time, waving her hand in the air. “We’ve known for a while, but we didn’t say anything because you’ve made it clear you wanted to keep it quiet.”
Skylar snorted. “Until this morning. I was going for a run this morning and saw the two of you seriously making out next to his truck.”
Oh. God. I’d gone down with him to say goodbye. We were going to either hop into his truck or go back upstairs. His coach calling him stopped us.
I slouched down in my seat, ignoring Miles laughing next to me. “You and Cruzzie. You two a thingie.”
“Finally!” Zoe was grinning from ear to ear. “Also, that’s his sweatshirt, right? You wear it all the time.”
