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“When and where?”
“Come over here, my parents are both out. I’ll text you the address.”
“Sounds good. See you soon.”
I send her a message right away and get changed. I try to look presentable, but the girl staring back in the mirror looks like she’s haunted. I’m a pale specter. I’m a shadow. My face is gaunt, and heavy black bags hang under my eyes.
Brice shows up a half hour later and I lead her through the house and out back. We grab chairs near the pool and sit in the shade as the midafternoon Texas heat pulses all around us.
Brice looks worried and scared, and I can’t blame her.
“Are you doing okay?” she asks. “Angelo told us about, you know, the baby.”
“I’m fine.” I stare down at my lap. I hate that everyone knows now, but it’s not like I could keep it a secret forever. All my life I tried so hard to keep my feelings buried down deep, but now it’s like they’re spilling out for everyone to dissect. “My parents are helping.”
“Right. They’re helping.” She clears her throat. “Sweetie, are you sure you want to be here?”
“I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
She sighs and moves closer. “Honey, you could come stay with me and Carmine if you don’t want to be alone. We could—”
“No,” I say more sharply than I’d intended. “No, it’s just that, you’re too close to Angelo and I don’t want to see him right now.”
“Right, okay.” Brice chews on her thumbnail. “Do you want to talk about him?”
I close my eyes. I very much do not want to talk about Angelo, but I know I can’t avoid it. Only I don’t know what to say, especially to Brice.
How can I explain that I’m afraid of him? Afraid of how he makes me feel? Afraid of letting him into my baby’s life?
She married her Angelo.
Her husband Carmine is the Don of the Scavo Famiglia, and he’s equally as dangerous and connected as Angelo if not more so, and to tell her that I can’t let Angelo in my baby’s life because he’s a gangster, that I’m afraid he’s not fit to be a father—that would be like insulting every choice she’s ever made.
And yet it’s the truth.
“It’s not easy,” I say after a long pause. “It’s not simple either.”
She laughs quietly. “I know that. Believe me, if anyone understands what you’re dealing with right now, it’s me. Are you going to talk to Angelo about, you know, the baby?”
“No. I don’t know. I just—” I clear my throat and stare at the pool. “I don’t want him in the baby’s life. Or at least I didn’t when we were still basically strangers and he was just a one-night stand. Now I don’t know what I really want and I’m terrified. I’m so scared of—” I stop myself.
“You’re scared of what he is,” she says softly.
I glance at her. “You’re not mad at me?”
“Why would I be?” She sounds surprised.
“You know, because—” I clear my throat. “You married Carmine. I’m running away from Angelo. And it’s like—”
Brice leans forward to put a hand on my knee. “Sweetie, stop it, okay? It’s totally fine. My relationship with Carmine isn’t the same as your relationship with Angelo. We’re all different people, even if Carmine and Angelo have some… similarities.”
“I just don’t know how you did it. How you took that leap.”
“I wasn’t pregnant for one. That helped a lot.” Her smile is sad. “And I almost didn’t. I was scared, and alone, and angry, just like you are.”
“How did you come back from that? I feel like I’m trapped, like no matter what I do, I’m making a mistake.” I sit up straight and rub my eyes, willing myself not to start crying again. I’ve cried more these past few days than I had in my entire life combined. “I could stay here and let my parents help me, and maybe that would be the best thing for my baby. I know growing up without a father wouldn’t be great—but maybe I’ll meet someone else. Or I could go with Angelo, take a risk, live a little, and he might even turn out to be a good partner. But I don’t know, and whatever I decide isn’t only about what I want anymore.”
“It’s not easy,” Brice says. “You have more than yourself to think about. I really don’t know what I would’ve done if I had been in your position.”
I collapse back against the chair. A strange relief floods through me. “I thought you’d be so mad,” I say and laugh stupidly. “I’m so happy you’re not.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Brice moves closer and hugs me. I’ve never been the emotional type, and I feel so pathetic every time a lump forms in my throat and I have to swallow it away or else end up sobbing again. Brice holds me tighter and I hug her back and I stay like that for a minute, because she’s right, she’s the only person in the whole world that comes close to understanding what I feel right now.
