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“Fuck nuts,” I mutter, my voice hoarse and breathy because I’m close to giving in to the sobs that would no doubt feel really great right about now. I think I need a good cry since I didn’t allow myself to have one last night or this morning. Instead, all I did was fret and worry and feel horribly sick.
All I did was live in the past.
All I did was live in the past.
I hug myself tight, not caring how stupid or insecure that might come across. “I mean, not fuck nuts. I mean, not f…never mind. Cheese nuts. There. I—cheese. Just cheese, Ransom. I’m sorry. I panicked. All my cheese from the past was on my cheesing mind, and I let it get the cheesing better of me. I have issues, which you already know.”
“I’m sorry. I should have told you.”
“It would have helped a lot, even if you couldn’t tell me where you were going or when you’d be back. As long as you promised you’d be coming back, I wouldn’t have worried.”
Ransom blinks hard, his eyes still wet and shiny. Seeing that sheen and realizing he’s really feeling all this in as painful a way as I was and am helps me let go of the last hold I have on my lingering anger.
“But I should have trusted you,” I added.
“Why would you? You barely know me.”
“I barely know you, but I know enough to know that you’re basically a hero. You’re a hero in my eyes, and you’ve stuck with me so far, no questions asked, even though it meant giving up a lot.”
“It meant changing a lot,” Ransom corrects. “I’m sorry I was an imbecile about last night, but if one good thing came of it, talking to my brother helped me sort a bunch of sh…cheese out. I’m just changing things. Granny and my brothers are always going to be my family. Always. And now they’re yours too. One day, I hope your dad and the club brothers can also be mine. I’ve had other jobs in the past, and I’m a great tattoo artist. I couldn’t really tell you that before. A lot of the tattoos on me are my own. That’s how I learned.”
All that beautiful work. Okay, not all, but a big part of it is his. That takes my breath away because his tattoos are incredible. Thinking about sitting him down and asking him to show me exactly which ones are his makes my blood heat up.
I can finally look Ransom in the eye again after a few deep breaths. I’m slayed all over again when I see a glint of moisture clinging to his lashes. There are no tear tracks on his face, just one shimmering and glistening droplet on his thick fringe. It hurts my heart…but in a good way.
“I’m also hoping your dad might still need a good bartender. I’ve found that I have a passion for it.” He winks at me, and that droplet finally falls, spilling down his cheek, but he’s smiling through it.
My heart turns over, and I step forward to brush my thumb over his rugged cheek and zig-zag scar. From the first second of the first minute of the very first time I saw him, I had no idea I was going to feel anything close to this. Now, this second, this last second of this last moment we’re sharing, which is actually just the latest moment, because there are going to be no last moments if he and I can help it, and I know that now, I do know.
I do know that what I feel is special. It’s real, and it’s enchanting and terrifying. I knew I had a hollow in my chest that went deep, and it was chiseled out over the years by not having my mom and by her choice to live her life without my dad and me, but I didn’t realize how deep it went. I now know I’m going to need to keep working on filling up that hole and healing it. On trusting. On hoping.
I’m okay with that. It’s okay to be human and be a part of the big crazy thing called the human race. It’s okay to have those universal emotions, and it’s also okay to need to work at something and to need to grow. I’ve heard those words my whole life, but they never truly clicked with me before. That might sound stupid, and maybe I was being silly and dense, clinging to that hurt for reasons I don’t fully know, but now I do know I’m done with that.
I’m not clinging to the bad in the past anymore. I’m clinging to the good right now. The goodness of Ransom. The goodness of our baby. And how the goodness of my whole entire life is turning out amazing, even before Ransom showed up and showed me everything I was missing.
