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She throws one of her bags at me, but it misses. “How people like you get by in this world is beyond me. You belong in the gutter.”
“Have a nice life, Destiny.”
“And go suck your boss’s cock,” she yells after me as I go to my room and shut the door. I stay in there and wait until I hear her leave. When I think it’s all clear, I go out and all her things are gone except a few random things which I’m sure she will be back for.
She didn’t mess around.
When I first met Destiny, I was hoping we could become friends. But after about a week, I realized she wasn’t a girl’s girl.
I don’t have any girlfriends. I have acquaintances at work, but none are friends. Jake, my old boss, was the closest thing I had to a friend, and even then, we hardly spoke. But I knew I could trust him with my life.
Isn’t that what you should expect in a friendship?
Trusting someone with your life?
I’m not really sure.
When I was younger, I thought I had a friend in the man who took me, but I was wrong. He was only being nice to me to gain my trust so he could use me.
Men use.
It’s what they’re good at.
If you come to accept that fact, life gets a little easier.
Women, on the other hand? Well, they aren’t something I’ve managed to crack.
Women tend to hate me on sight, and I’ve also grown to accept that fact too.
I’m not someone who holds grudges. I try to move on because I would be stuck in the past if I didn’t. And the past is somewhere I definitely do not want to be ever again. I haven’t forgiven all the people who have done wrong by me. And I haven’t forgotten either.
But if there is one thing I learned in therapy it’s that I have to move on. Otherwise, I physically will not be able to move. It took a lot of time to let those words really sink in because it wasn’t me simply giving in to what happened, it was showing them that I am stronger than I thought.
My therapist asked once if I had ever thought about finding my biological parents. My reply was instant—I laughed at her. Why would someone choose to find people who gave them up so willingly, basically selling their child? I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. I’m a relatively positive person now. I work on my affirmations. I tell myself daily how strong and beautiful I am and I can do anything I set my mind to.
It wasn’t easy when I first started declaring these thoughts; I didn’t believe them, but I said them anyway. And I found it amazing what the power of the mind could do because eventually, the weight and the guilt on my chest eased, and I started to believe them.
I don’t tell anyone about my backstory. I’m not even sure Jake knows all of my history. He isn’t really one to share anyway. So I guess I’m thankful for that.
I’m also incredibly thankful when Grayson saw me naked, he didn’t see my back. When I decided to work for Jake and take back my power and my own body it led to pleasing other people, I always wore something which would cover my back. That way if someone touched it, I wouldn’t feel like they were putting acid on me. It’s the only part of me that I still can’t stand to look at. Luckily, it’s easy to avoid.
My therapist also asked me once, “If I give you lemons, what are you going to do with them?” I looked at her, confused about where she was going with that. Did she want me to throw them at her like balls? She laughed and answered, “You’re going to make lemonade out of the lemons, as the old saying goes. But what they failed to tell you is, that when you turn lemons into lemonade, you can then sell it. Which in turn gives you a profit. That is how these men used to think of you. But now that you have the lemons, it’s up to you to decide what you do with the lemonade.”
It didn’t make much sense when she said it, but I understand her analogy.
It is my choice to do what I want, and no one can take that away from me.
Not anymore.
So I turned my lemons into lemonade and made it my bitch.
