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With a deep sigh, I say her name, “Kels.”
She turns sharply and glares at me. “Get out. No wait, how did you find me? Never mind, I don’t care.”
“Please don’t say you don’t care about me.” I can’t bear knowing she hates me this much. I inhale deeply and work to keep my voice from cracking. “How I found you doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m here, where I want to be.”
“I don’t want you here, Alex.” She turns away again. I take a step closer to the bed and reach out for her, but pull my hand back before touching her. I can feel her slipping away from me, and it hurts. My heart breaks like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Kelsey is the one for me and I have to find a way to prove to her I’m the right man for her.
“I know and I accept that, but I need you to hear me and if what I have to say isn’t enough, I’ll go, and you’ll never hear from me again. I don’t know if you remember what I said the other day in the hall, but I love you. I’m in love with you, Kels. I know words don’t make up for actions. I get that. I’m sorry that I hurt you by keeping secrets. That was never my intention. Believe me when I tell you this, I had no idea Maggie was pregnant. To make things worse, I don’t even know if I’m the father or not because of her actions, and I feel like not knowing hurts us.”
“I won’t be the reason a child doesn’t have both its parents.”
“I can still be a dad without being with the baby’s mother.” I take a couple of steps toward Kelsey.
“You love Maggie,” her voice breaks, which in turn crumbles every part of me.
“No, Ilovedher. But now that I know what real love feels like I know I was never in love with Maggie. Not in the way I love you, Kels. I don’t even like the person I am when she’s around. I’m angry all the time, I’m miserable. All I want to do is snuggle on your couch and watch TV or read a book with you. Having her at my house, it’s exhausting. From the moment the sun comes up to when it goes down, she’s demanding all of my time. It’s all about being social for her and that’s not who I am or want to be.”
“So, you’re back together?”
“What?” I’m confused by her question and then I realize what I said makes it seem like we’re together. “Hell no, honey. She’s at my house until she finds a place. Or she was. I told her she needs to be gone before I get home tonight. But while she was there, these past few days, she’s taken over everything like we are back together, and it’s made me realize how much I hate it.”
I take another step closer and instead of trying to reach for her, I push my hands into my pockets. Her verbal rejection is enough to last me a lifetime. The last thing I need to see, or feel is her physically pushing me away.
“What I’m saying or trying to say is since meeting you, you’ve shown me what kind of life I want to have. That the routine we created together makes me so fucking happy and without you I’m miserable. I don’t like me right now.”
“I don’t like you now, either.”
“I know, honey.” Two more steps closer. “I want to make you like me again. Maybe even love me.”
She glances at me with tears coming down her face. I close the gap and gently wipe them away. “I don’t want to ever make you cry, Kelsey.”
She nods but is unable to say anything because the tech comes in to set her arm. Once the cast is on and he leaves the room, I help Kelsey put her coat on. “Can I take you home?”
“Look, Alex. I need some time. All of this, it’s too much. Maggie . . . I saw her kiss you today, and if you’re the father of her baby, I don’t want to have anything to do with any of it. She clearly feels differently, and after all the crap with her friends and the media, it’s never going to stop. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“Kels, please don’t do this,” I plead but she doesn’t say anything. I step back and look down at the ground to hide my own tears. “I understand. Can I at least make sure you get home?”
“I’ll be fine.”
It pains me to leave her in the room by herself, but I do. When I get back to the waiting room, I tell Basha that she’s ready, and then I leave. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do, except beg, but I’m not even sure that’ll work.
TWENTY-THREE
KELSEY
The flight to Buffalo took forever, or at least it seemed to. I’m sure the fly time was normal, but when you don’t want to go home, and yet it’s the only way to get away from your life choices, everything drags on.
My dad, Mel, meets me at baggage claim and hugs me for a long time while I cry into his chest. I didn’t fail even though that’s what it feels like. I went out to Portland with the intention of advancing my career and being successful. I’m home because I need a break. I need to not see Alex everywhere I go or be at his disposal. I need time to heal and not see him on television or walking down the street. Everything about my time with him hurts. Even though I never said those three words that can easily change a relationship, he knew. And I told Basha. For me, it was love at first sight. The lust part came by the end of the night. Hook-ups aren’t my thing, but I would’ve hooked up with him if we had met under different circumstances.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” my dad says as he rubs my back. “Mom has soup on the stove for you.”
“I don’t need soup,” I tell him. My parents think soup fixes everything.
Dad steps back and keeps both his hands on my shoulders. “But you’re hurt.” He eyes my cast because he can see the physical pain, not the emotional stuff. Sometimes I wish people could see a broken heart because then maybe they’d think twice about their actions.
“My arm will be fine, Daddy. Come on, I gotta get my luggage.”
When we walk over to the carousel and my brother, Dalton, is there, waiting for my suitcases. He pulls me into a side hug and kisses the top of my head. “Whose ass do I need to kick?”
