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“Then it would be worth it.” I aspired, coaxed by the slide of her hips. She rubbed herself against me, pressing into a dry hump against my cock. There could be something here, and maybe I would just have to work for it. Maybe it was just physical, and perhaps it could bloom into something more. I wanted to fuck Mila, but not like how I would Gemma, not yet. With Mila, I used a condom, I was more careful about the consequences of our actions. With Gemma though, I don’t think I could. I’d only fantasied about being in her raw, not wanting to be deprived of even the slightest of wetness against my skin.
To admit in my head was easy, in fact it echoed over and over again. If I were inside Gemma, I’d leave every drop of my cum, deep between her legs. I’d fuck her till she was hungry or thirsty, stopping only to feed her, to massage her aching muscles, so that I may fuck her again.
Yes, I would be reckless, considering any consequences of our actions would only make me happy. She could be the mother to our children, and I would remind them every day how lucky they were to call her Mom. I had always felt this way about her, but it was becoming uncontrollable now, her scent like fresh linen, marked on the cushion by my side. I smelt it, shutting my eyes, still thinking of her as Mila kissed my lips.
If there was a hell, I was going there, and I knew I deserved it.
I kissed Mila, still thinking of Gemma, the peach flavor on her lips a reminder of what I wished was true. She was asleep, and it wasn’t sex I truly wanted right now, admitting that I’d much rather just lay by her side and hold her while she dreamed. What a thought, what a fucking tragedy.
Not a second after this fantasy did I jump. I thought it was a scream, something far more terrifying than any horror movie Gemma and I ever watched. It was the blare of a screeching alarm, ringing through the room, almost honking.
“Fuck!” I shouted, rising from my seat, holding Mila in my arms. She screamed as I placed her down softly, her hands reached for her ears.
“Parker, what is that?” The alarm continued to ring, emitting a bright flashing light that popped in a pulse.
“Fire alarm,” I replied quickly pulling up my sweats. “Something’s wrong.” I heard the slamming of doors outside, the neighbors already leaving their apartments.
“Seriously, a fire?” Mila whined.
“I don't know.” I sighed, “Yes, I’m guessing so.” I was already making my way down the hall; I couldn't leave just yet.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m getting Gemma.” I affirmed, already calling for her attention. “Gemma!” I shouted, banging on her door. I pounded with three sharp knocks, surprised she hadn’t come out already.
“She can take care of herself.” Mila ran to my side tugging on my arm. She was panicked, but I wasn’t there yet. I flashed her a strange look. Maybe I was the crazy one, not wanting to leave right away, but I could care less about how I looked.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked. “We’re not just going to leave.” I banged on her door, more confused why Gemma wasn’t responding.
“It’s probably not even a real fire. It’s just loud.” Her determination to pull me away irked me, but I ignored it, twisting the handle to Gemma’s door. It was locked. I banged again, calling for her name, but she didn't answer.
“Your phone!” I commanded, pulling it out of Mila’s hand. I swiped it open, as she covered her ears once more.
“What are you doing?” She asked, but I ignored her as I dialed Gemma’s number, the only number I knew by heart. I didn’t know why I thought she would pick up, and actually I wasn’t sure what to think. The siren roared in my ear, warning me to leave. I’d never listen.
“Gemma, wake up!” I slammed my fist against the door, so hard that Mila jumped. The call went to voicemail, her sweet message chirping with an apology.
“You’ve reached Gemma! Sorry I missed your call, but I’d be happy to return it as soon as I can!”
Fuck. My stomach burned with a knot, a dread like I had already lost her. It was a strange thought to appear, as if it were more permanent than I realized. She wasn’t answering, and what if something did happen to her? How would I cope?
“Let’s go!” Mila shouted, but I hissed quickly.
“Goddamn it! Don’t ask me to again because I won’t!” I couldn’t help but shout, clearly losing the cool composure I had just moments ago. Gemma was on the other side, and she needed me, or more so, maybe I needed her. Was this secret I kept worth it? It didn’t feel good keeping it inside, and if something ever did happen to Gemma, then it would remain in me forever, rotting like once ripened fruit. Who would want me then, and what good would I be?
I couldn’t live with that.
It was a premonition of my future, flashing within the milliseconds between my pounding fists. Would there ever be a time where I wasn’t just locked out of her room, but ultimately her life? I pounded my fist harder, not just once or twice, but repetitively. I would stay here till my knuckles bled, until the place burned down if I needed.
I didn’t want to be closed off, I didn’t want to just be her friend, but how could I explain the reason behind it all? That night I cleaned her up in college, when she confessed her love to me, I was tempted to kiss her, to tell her the same, over and over again. I always thought I was protecting her, but maybe I was protecting myself too. If we remained friends, nothing could ever ruin that, but if we were a couple, everything could go wrong. What if her feelings eventually changed? How would I deal with that then, having tasted her, knowing I could never have her again?
I’d rather not know at all, I’d rather not risk the possibility of her ever getting hurt, even from me. But this felt wrong, and maybe it was my panic, maybe it was everything coming together like a swarm of angry crows. Mila, Alex, Gemma’s mother. The promise Claire made me keep no longer felt worth it, but I had to hold on, I had to keep her safe.
“I’m leaving!” Mila screamed.
“Then leave!” I shouted, louder than the alarm, turning to face the door. I leaned back, my thick muscles tensed with rage, kicking the door harder than I kicked anything ever before. It exploded, shattered into fragments of wood that collapsed along the dark floor. Mila screamed again, but I gripped the door frame, peering inside like a mad man. “Gemma!” I shouted, running my eyes across the room, immediately focusing on her open window.
“Parker, she’s gone, we need to leave!” Mila tugged on my arm as I stared at it, the curtain blowing from the fire escape. She was gone, and I wasn’t sure why. Did she leave, was she taken, and how did that make me feel? I wasn’t just scared, I was tortured.
